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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
MrsMertonandMalcolm · 30/09/2024 23:22

Calliopespa · 30/09/2024 23:17

I think it’s a bit different with family. There are natural loyalties there too. But because marriage makes your spouse family, I think it is a slippery slope to pursue friendships where your spouse is pointedly ostracised. Not saying going in a small group etc is a problem; but a formal 100 person wedding is a real snub. The bride doesn’t even need to talk to op .

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The bride doesn’t even need to talk to op

True, but in that case if I were the OP I would so, so not want to go anyway, knowing the bride didn't really want me there, isn't speaking to me, and leaving me to befriend a whole load of other people. There are a great many things I would love to do instead.

Bthebestucanb · 30/09/2024 23:29

MrsMertonandMalcolm · 30/09/2024 23:22

The bride doesn’t even need to talk to op

True, but in that case if I were the OP I would so, so not want to go anyway, knowing the bride didn't really want me there, isn't speaking to me, and leaving me to befriend a whole load of other people. There are a great many things I would love to do instead.

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The point being made by the vast majority is the OPs DH having a female friend or any friend for that matter who is blatantly snubbing his wife is totally out of order & he should decline the invitation out of respect for her feelings.

Calliopespa · 30/09/2024 23:36

MrsMertonandMalcolm · 30/09/2024 23:22

The bride doesn’t even need to talk to op

True, but in that case if I were the OP I would so, so not want to go anyway, knowing the bride didn't really want me there, isn't speaking to me, and leaving me to befriend a whole load of other people. There are a great many things I would love to do instead.

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No well I really wouldn’t much want to go either. But I’d be even more pleased if dh didn’t and we did something else instead together.

I’d feel hurt if my DH went in these circumstances and I can why op does.

MrsMertonandMalcolm · 30/09/2024 23:41

Bthebestucanb · 30/09/2024 23:29

The point being made by the vast majority is the OPs DH having a female friend or any friend for that matter who is blatantly snubbing his wife is totally out of order & he should decline the invitation out of respect for her feelings.

Edited
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Well, I am of the opinion that my husband had a life before we met, as did I. The fact that we are married does not have to change all of that - I respect the fact that he has a loyalty to people he's known far longer than me. I couldn't get worked up about being snubbed, I really just couldn't find the energy.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2024 23:43

Your husband knows why she doesn’t like you and isn’t telling you.

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/10/2024 00:21

So DH is a witness, one of the bride's closest friends because witnesses are usually Best Man/Bridesmaid/parent, and you are not invited? Are they having Best Man, Groomsmen/Ushers, Bridesmaids and do either bride or groom have parents or siblings who will be attending? All those people I would expect to be involved in setting up before your DH - unless it's a very DIY venue and he is a qualified joiner or electrician.

Do all these invitations which the friend refuses or you are excluded from, come through your DH? In all your years of marriage he has never wanted his wife and his close friend to spend time together? Or pushed for that to happen? That is weird, other guests at the wedding will think it's weird.

MrsMertonandMalcolm · 01/10/2024 00:28

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/10/2024 00:21

So DH is a witness, one of the bride's closest friends because witnesses are usually Best Man/Bridesmaid/parent, and you are not invited? Are they having Best Man, Groomsmen/Ushers, Bridesmaids and do either bride or groom have parents or siblings who will be attending? All those people I would expect to be involved in setting up before your DH - unless it's a very DIY venue and he is a qualified joiner or electrician.

Do all these invitations which the friend refuses or you are excluded from, come through your DH? In all your years of marriage he has never wanted his wife and his close friend to spend time together? Or pushed for that to happen? That is weird, other guests at the wedding will think it's weird.

That is weird, other guests at the wedding will think it's weird.

Nah, they'll all know why the bride didn't invite the OP. 😁

Copperoliverbear · 01/10/2024 00:32

I think she is extremely bad mannered and that she fancies your husband and has finally decided to get married seeing as she has had no luck in trying to tempt him to get with her.
But she still seems very annoyed that she didn't get what she wanted.

Copperoliverbear · 01/10/2024 00:42

Also have they ever been more than friends before you came along ?

Floppyelf · 01/10/2024 06:57

Trixiefirecracker · 30/09/2024 14:34

sorry. I’m not entirely sure I understand what you mean?!!

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People who tend to post on here seem to be almost always in a relationship that they are thinking about ending. The other lot are ones in great marriages who want to stealth boost. Its obvious which camp @soundsys is in.

Mrsredlipstick · 01/10/2024 07:08

@soundsys how are you feeling today OP?

The vast majority on this thread think you should be on your guard re your DH. I hope you have your own finances and are in a secure position.
Personally I'd be putting itching powder in his best suit. Around the collar and crutch. But I wouldn't know anything about it because I would be away on my girls weekend or with the male cycling group I joined!

ASmallCat · 01/10/2024 08:17

Wondering if the bride and groom even know OP and her DgafH are together?

I mean some men manage to keep entire families secret from each other so not beyond the boundaries of belief.

Could be this is a little off-shoot group of friends that he deliberately keeps separate from OP so he can ‘step into being single’ whenever he feels like it.

burnoutbabe · 01/10/2024 08:19

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2024 23:43

Your husband knows why she doesn’t like you and isn’t telling you.

Yes. That would be the worse thing, that he can't, very tactfully, tell me why.

It may be an irrational reason or something stupid but at least you'd know.

Him refusing to tell you is the worse thing.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/10/2024 08:23

ASmallCat · 01/10/2024 08:17

Wondering if the bride and groom even know OP and her DgafH are together?

I mean some men manage to keep entire families secret from each other so not beyond the boundaries of belief.

Could be this is a little off-shoot group of friends that he deliberately keeps separate from OP so he can ‘step into being single’ whenever he feels like it.

What would that say about the friend getting married !!

Rosscameasdoody · 01/10/2024 08:30

MrsMertonandMalcolm · 30/09/2024 22:41

Well if this woman had never invited the OP to anything and has never accepted an invitation from her, then she's nothing if not consistent. Honestly, I couldn't get worked up about this. It smacks of the woman not liking the OP, and under those circumstances I'd be only too pleased to keep out of the way. At least not being invited means I wouldn't have to decline an event I never wanted to go to in the first place.

I'd be interested to know how long the OP's husband has been friends with the OP, because if it predates their marriage then I can understand even more why this woman isn't interested in befriending the OP.

I can't get over the comments saying she'd disrespecting the OP and that the OP's husband is as much to blame by being disloyal. FFS. Life is too short. OP should work on her own friendships that she already has instead of getting wound up by one person who doesn't want to be her friend.

It’s a matter of loyalty. Her DH is trying to sidestep an awkward situation by pinning the blame for this on OP. He obviously wants to go to the wedding regardless of the snub to his wife, or the fact that she is clearly upset by the situation, so he is putting his ‘friend’ before his life partner. For the life of me I can’t see that this man could have a friendship with this woman and not know why she doesn’t like OP, but he won’t say, so again, he’s putting his friend before his wife. That would be a deal breaker for me, and I suspect others here. If he hasn’t got her back in this how can she trust he has her back anywhere else ?

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 01/10/2024 08:49

It’s weird and rude. If my partner had a friend who made it so obvious they didn’t like me and made absolutely no effort even to be polite for my partner’s sake, I would expect him to end the friendship. You should come first, not his friend. If I had a friend whose partner I didn’t like, I would always make an effort with them just for the sake of the friendship

ASmallCat · 01/10/2024 08:49

Rosscameasdoody · 01/10/2024 08:23

What would that say about the friend getting married !!

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That they are just some normal person who has a male friend they assume is single as that’s the impression said male friend has given them?

So naturally has only invited him.

And maybe has not been turning down OP’s invites to events - perhaps OP’s partner never even passed those invites on.

Didn’t OP say somewhere upthread that she and bride never communicate?

Maybe I missed a bit where they do all see each other and it’s obvious to bride that OP is longterm partner/wife to her male friend.

Can’t be arsed to read back 😆

Original poster
soundsys · 01/10/2024 09:15

Mrsredlipstick · 01/10/2024 07:08

@soundsys how are you feeling today OP?

The vast majority on this thread think you should be on your guard re your DH. I hope you have your own finances and are in a secure position.
Personally I'd be putting itching powder in his best suit. Around the collar and crutch. But I wouldn't know anything about it because I would be away on my girls weekend or with the male cycling group I joined!

Thank you for checking in! I'm ok, thank you. I'm lucky that I'm financially secure and generally quite capable - it's not like me to doubt myself like this!

All the responses have been helpful, thank you all

OP posts:
MrsMertonandMalcolm · 01/10/2024 09:17

Rosscameasdoody · 01/10/2024 08:30

It’s a matter of loyalty. Her DH is trying to sidestep an awkward situation by pinning the blame for this on OP. He obviously wants to go to the wedding regardless of the snub to his wife, or the fact that she is clearly upset by the situation, so he is putting his ‘friend’ before his life partner. For the life of me I can’t see that this man could have a friendship with this woman and not know why she doesn’t like OP, but he won’t say, so again, he’s putting his friend before his wife. That would be a deal breaker for me, and I suspect others here. If he hasn’t got her back in this how can she trust he has her back anywhere else ?

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Hang on, in over ten years the OP hasn't been to anything that this woman has been to, and now she's upset that she hasn't been asked to the wedding...she must have seen that one coming.

He has a friend who, from what we can make out, probably doesn't like his wife. He may know the reason why. He may be keeping that from his wife. Whatever the situation, it changes nothing. All we know with any certainty from what the OP has said is that her husband has a friend who goes to great lengths to avoid her. Some may say she's being snubbed, but they'd have a lot more to say if the OP had come on here saying "my husband has a friend who doesn't like me and every time we meet up it's an absolute bit*h-fest. This has been going on for over a decade".

But no. Friend keeps her distance from someone, and still can't win. Frankly, OP should be relieved not to have been invited to something she knows she isn't welcome to attend.

As for loyalties, you can be loyal to more than one person. If friend was being a bit*h to the OP and husband was allowing it, then I could understand the problem. But that's not the case here. I think the fact that the OP expected an invite at all is actually very telling.

OVienna · 01/10/2024 10:42

@MrsMertonandMalcolm Well, that's one way of looking at the world.

"The friend can't win" - she's made her feelings on the OP clear, how dare the OP expect to be invited, yada.

Some of us think that someone who makes no effort to get to know their supposed best friend's wife - not just no effort but actively declines invitations - is not actually a great friend at all and that a DH who tolerates this behaviour towards his wife is also a problem. Why doesn't his friend care enough to get to know her?

It's hard to know what's going on here. I am still in the camp that the DH is trying to manage something that mostly about HIM and not the two women and that it is in his interest to keep them apart AND he may be lying about the invitations etc.

I must say I have also wondered if the OP and her DH are in an arranged marriage that the friend disapproves of? That culturally she has an issue with the relationship and the DH is in a situation where he is trying to straddle both worlds with the friend.

This is clutching at straws and speculative.

But I just can't see a real 'friend' of DH's being this persistently unwilling to engage with the OP under other scenarios.

TikehauLilly · 01/10/2024 10:43

Yanbu

You need to both step away from this odd behaviour and person - definitely not a friend

helen32 · 01/10/2024 17:37

This is insane, he must know why she doesn’t like you! Not normal

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/10/2024 17:38

Taz55 · 30/09/2024 09:00

Why has your oh allowed her to treat you like this?

THIS^

MrsPositivity1 · 01/10/2024 17:51

I’d be raging

MustWeDoThis · 01/10/2024 17:52

soundsys · 01/10/2024 09:15

Thank you for checking in! I'm ok, thank you. I'm lucky that I'm financially secure and generally quite capable - it's not like me to doubt myself like this!

All the responses have been helpful, thank you all

Show quote history

  1. He's gaslighting you

  2. He and she have no respect for you

  3. They are having an affair and this is the last dirty fling before the big day.

  4. Are other wives invited? If so, ask why you are the exception.

  5. Ask the jealous B*tch why you ate not invited and you want the truth.

  6. Tell your husband if he goes to this wedding he will not have a wife, or a home to come back to. If he can do this to you; what else will he do in the future?

  7. Please don't enable him to do this to you, or allow him to get away without consequence.

  8. Tell him it's her, or you.

  9. When he leaves - Change the locks and throw his sh*t out in the garden for everyone to see. Then tell everyone he was emotionally cheating on you.