Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

@soundsys this is definitely weird. I’d be showing DH the thread!

Wow that's even worse! I didnt realise you meant you all live in a same city!
Do you live in UK? How long does it take to get to the venue from where you live?
You are definitely not unreasonable to be suspicious! Is there anymore to the back story of their friendship? Is it possible your H is taking someone else as a date? Or he wants to go on his own and blames the bride ? Have you seen the messages between them, or is it just what he says was said?

I'd want to see evidence you haven't been invited, there must be an invitation of some kind

YANBU and I would question your husbands loyalty to you if he did go.
It’s a FRIEND not a relative. Says it all

The reason people invite spouses/partners is because noone particularly enjoys sitting alone at weddings making stupid small talk with people you barely know/have only met once or twice (or may be complete strangers to you). It can be bloody awkward being seated for hours next to someone you have never met before. It's not as if the bride/groom can chat to them either because they are seated at the top table/ always together.

Sometimes the couple are equally close to the bride/groom but usually its for the comfort of the invited one so they can have someone they know and are familiar with to chat to and enjoy the wedding by being with someone they actually care about, rather than their great aunt Maud who has never met them before.

It's a celebration of love FFS. So this whole thing about "well, maybe she doesnt know the OP well" etc is BS. Plus ones at weddings are entirely for the benefit/comfort of the one who has been invited to make the experience nicer, and generally better.

Thats the weirdest thing about this- it's like your DH's friend is making a huge spiteful point by purposely excluding you. You need to have a chat with your husband, something is very off about this.

This was my first thought!

If that friendship means you have accept the deliberate snubbing of your life partner without question, then I don’t see that there’s much to be valued to be honest. And the optics here are awful.

Your husband is some disloyal lying, gaslighting piece of work.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.
You have no idea who he really is if he has managed to convince you that this bullshit would fly in any normal, healthy, respectful marriage.

If you have had children with him, god help you.
I hope you work and are putting money away for the day you will undoubtedly need it.

The lack of invitation is neither weird nor rude but her hostile attitude certainly is.

Your husband already apprehends that the bride can invite who she wants. That hardly needed spelling out in such an antagonistic manner. Were I in his shoes and a friend of mine behaved like this to my spouse, I would not be attending either.

In terms of DH not being keen to question it all, I suspect it’s likely some apprehension on his part about the content of the speeches … something tells me you are in the dark here oP I’m afraid. And if you aren’t, they are making it look/ you feel that way.

It isn’t always the case that spouses ate invited if it’s a budget-conscious sort of affair. But when you have 100 guests AND Dh is playing such a prominent role and needing to stay away overnight, it’s a very conspicuous “ oversight.” I’d be “ fumming” op, to use the MN term/ spelling.

Other people's opinions of us are none of our business.

If a friend of mine has a spouse I don't take to I'm civil to them and spend as little time with them as civility will allow. This bride's behaviour goes beyond uncivil and is openly hostiile.

I might have no love for for my friend's annoying husband, but I do love my friend. And he isn't my choice; he's hers.

I agree with this.

and I’d be saying this if your DH was best man to another bloke.

I often socialise with my friends without their spouses, but I’d never think twice about inviting them to parties/ events.

i think it’s nice to know your friend’s partner.

I think there must have been some history at some point. Maybe she wanted a relationship with your dh and he didn't, hence why she now doesn't like you?
They must be very close friends? Close enough to have your dh as a witness?
I'd be really quite upset that my dh would still go. As said, they must be really close for him to be a witness. Close friends should have their wives invited in my opinion!

It's weird, but do you know if other partners are invited or not? My friend got married a couple of years ago and they didn't invite any partners. The "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want" response, do you know if it was aimed at you or she just wants her actual friends and family at the wedding? Just wondering if she doesn't like you, or she generally doesn't want to make an effort with friends partners.

the behaviour is so fucking rude. If my dh allowed someone to treat me like this if be telling him i was seriously thinking about whether he was actually on my team.

This this this!!!

That's weird and if my dh were in your dh's shoes he would not attend. You've been married a decade it's not as if your a new partner. Sounds like she's jealous of you and the declining invites to things and only wanting to see your dh on his own speaks volumes

OP, most seem to agree that you are right to be upset about this. I agree and honestly, I would have confronted my DH about being excluded a long time ago. If this is the final straw for you, then you need to speak to your husband.

To me, his loyalty should be first and foremost to you. It is shameful that he has allowed this person to exclude you for so long. At this point, I would demand to know why and I would make my DH choose. If he loves you, how can he remain friends with someone who disrespects you? I couldn’t continue this dynamic and if my DH chose to attend this wedding without me, my feelings towards him would definitely change.

Do you guys have children together? If so, does his “friend” ever see them? Are the spouses and partners of the others in the friend group invited? When you host, do the others from the friend group and their partners attend?

I don’t expect to be invited to everything my DH does with his friends and vice versa. There are obviously times when it wouldn’t be appropriate for partners to be included. Neither of us would ever dream of attending something where others’ partners were included and ours wasn’t, especially something like a wedding. How can he support and celebrate her relationship when she disrespects you and your marriage?

I went to a wedding once where the grooms sibling's partner was not invited. Massive talking point at hen do but it happened. Their wedding, they can invite or not invite who they like....

Well if this woman had never invited the OP to anything and has never accepted an invitation from her, then she's nothing if not consistent. Honestly, I couldn't get worked up about this. It smacks of the woman not liking the OP, and under those circumstances I'd be only too pleased to keep out of the way. At least not being invited means I wouldn't have to decline an event I never wanted to go to in the first place.

I'd be interested to know how long the OP's husband has been friends with the OP, because if it predates their marriage then I can understand even more why this woman isn't interested in befriending the OP.

I can't get over the comments saying she'd disrespecting the OP and that the OP's husband is as much to blame by being disloyal. FFS. Life is too short. OP should work on her own friendships that she already has instead of getting wound up by one person who doesn't want to be her friend.

Tbf do you get drunk , loud ,obnoxious, opinionated or anything else that would make her dislike you. Its not your dhs fault uf she is a good friend of his and really doesn't want you at her wedding

Unless he had really done something very specific and objectionable, tbh if someone couldn’t like my DH to the point they would exclude him from a large event, I couldn’t stay friends with them. You have to know where your loyalties lie in life, and marriage should trump friendship.

"Dh, I'm really delighted this woman cares so much for you that she wants you to be her witness at her wedding. Please make sure you buy her a wonderful gift. Also, feel free to stay overnight at a hotel in our home city because she will need your full attention & me being there would be an unwelcome distraction. Oh & don't forget to give her a huge hug. It's been weeks since you last got together & she will be missing you" 😂

Blimey, there's a lot to unpick here! I can be loyal to my husband and my friends, it doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe it's different, in as much as neither my husband or I really care if someone has taken a dislike to us, so knowing that they have and do not wish to enjoy our company is no big deal - if anything it's entirely understandable.

Maybe I am coming at this from a different angle as I cannot abide my husbands sister and go out of my way to avoid her. Mostly it's a clash of personalities, partly it's because of the drama and inability to help herself when she clearly could, and partly because of the blatant attitude that I ought to be more involved with her and the extended family. This is despite neither her or my husband being involved with their family to any notable extent (they all live a couple of hundred miles away). Added to which, she's made no effort to get to know my family, which is fine by me as I only see them at funerals these days.

I think it’s a bit different with family. There are natural loyalties there too. But because marriage makes your spouse family, I think it is a slippery slope to pursue friendships where your spouse is pointedly ostracised. Not saying going in a small group etc is a problem; but a formal 100 person wedding is a real snub. The bride doesn’t even need to talk to op .