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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Bananafoster · 30/09/2024 18:42

ASmallCat · 30/09/2024 18:37

Nm a booking spa weekend I’d be booking a solicitor’s app 😂

Tell him to see if they’ll invite him on honeymoon too as if he prioritises their wishes over his own wife’s and goes to the wedding you don’t want him back.

I sort of agree with this. I’d be expecting a certain level of loyalty from my husband.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 30/09/2024 18:44

@soundsys how well do you get on with her OH? I'd be tempted to ask them if they know why

BreatheAndFocus · 30/09/2024 18:45

YANBU. The bride is being weird and nasty. People always invite spouses, whether they know/like them or not. It’s bloody rude not to. Once I got married, my DH and I were invited to his friends’ weddings, my friends’, his family, my family - I can’t imagine someone purposely excluding him.

First - are you absolutely sure you’re not invited? Could it be your DH is misrepresenting the situation to you because he doesn’t want you to come? Presuming it’s true that you’re not invited, wtf is your DH going? Why is he allowing you to be snubbed like this? How would he feel if it was the other way round? I’d pretend I had an invitation to a posh wedding in A Lovely Venue, and when DH expressed enthusiasm, I’d say, “Oh, no, DH. You’re not invited. It’s just me. I mean, the husband-to-be can invite who he wants to because it’s his wedding”

I bet he wouldn’t be so keen on that!

FasterMichelin · 30/09/2024 18:48

Ultimately the woman doesn't owe you anything, albeit she's obviously rude.

Your husband though, owes you loyalty and love. The fact he's dismissing you says it all; you're not his priority.

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:48

ManhattanPopcorn · 30/09/2024 18:01

She doesn't like you. The bigger issue is that your husband doesn't have your back.

That depends on the reason though. Why doesn't she like the OP? There might be a good reason and I bet the OP's husband knows it.

I have a friend I've known for years but I don't like her partner. He's not friendly, he's not very nice to her and I don't enjoy his company. He wouldn't be invited to my wedding or any other event. If we were close enough for her to be in my wedding, she'd know how I feel.

Of course she could just be rude but I wouldn't assume that without question.

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:50

If someone in your life doesn't like your partner, why does the loyalty automatically have to go to them?

Why not value the friendship too?

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 30/09/2024 18:51

Christ, that's really rude. My husband said in that situation he wouldn't go, but couldn't imagine being good friends with someone who was disrespectful to me in the first place.

LushLemonTart · 30/09/2024 18:52

ASmallCat · 30/09/2024 18:37

Nm a booking spa weekend I’d be booking a solicitor’s app 😂

Tell him to see if they’ll invite him on honeymoon too as if he prioritises their wishes over his own wife’s and goes to the wedding you don’t want him back.

Yeah I know. I'd never be with this h to start with.

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/09/2024 18:53

Invite her husband and not her to every social event you have from now on. Not that I'm petty or anything ...

OVienna · 30/09/2024 18:53

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:48

That depends on the reason though. Why doesn't she like the OP? There might be a good reason and I bet the OP's husband knows it.

I have a friend I've known for years but I don't like her partner. He's not friendly, he's not very nice to her and I don't enjoy his company. He wouldn't be invited to my wedding or any other event. If we were close enough for her to be in my wedding, she'd know how I feel.

Of course she could just be rude but I wouldn't assume that without question.

Show quote history

I feel like if the OP were 'that' person, she'd not have posted here. She'd have been thick skinned enough to brazen it out and been straight onto either her husband or the woman. Not questioning herself and wondering AIBU.

We don't know the OP - but I suspect the DH is behaving this way because he knows he can. She won't put up a stink, is probably too understanding. This has been going on for years.

Figleafpants · 30/09/2024 18:54

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:50

If someone in your life doesn't like your partner, why does the loyalty automatically have to go to them?

Why not value the friendship too?

Surely it depends on the reason?

Eg. If my partner was rude to my friend or was off his face on drugs all the time- perfectly reasonable to agree with the friend

If my partner had done nothing whatsoever and the friend was just jealous or excluded him without even giving him a chance to get to know him (which is what it sounds like here) then the friend is wrong

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:55

@Figleafpants exactly. It's not automatic.

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:56

@OVienna I don't know, there are some pretty unaware people around! 😄

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/09/2024 18:57

What's your DH planning to say when people ask him why you're not there?

Figleafpants · 30/09/2024 18:59

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:55

@Figleafpants exactly. It's not automatic.

Oh for sure - I would agree with that. Some people's partners do act like idiots.

But in this case, it sounds like the friend wont even give OP a chance to meet up with her at all or even try to get to know her so I would be questioning what the husband has said/done. There is something very odd about this scenario.

Reugny · 30/09/2024 18:59

People don't always invite spouses.

One of my friends' husband's got invited to a wedding. My friend didn't get invited.

We all thought it was very odd.

It wasn't a work invite or invite your sports club mates along type of invite it was a proper wedding invite.

We then found out the woman who did the invitation simply just didn't think to invite my friend because she didn't know her. Then she said they would need childcare anyway. My friend and her husband had a long line of people who could have easily provided them childcare, which is why I and others were told.

Luckily the wedding was local so he went for the ceremony and left the breakfast early. No staying overnight in any hotel.

One of the reasons we thought it was odd is that we have been invited to weddings of people we hardly know just due to being in the right place at the right time as they come from cultures where they invite everyone if they can.

Gruffling · 30/09/2024 19:01

Gosh, that's rude...but if your DH is close enough to the bride to be her witness...then he's close enough to insist on an invite for you.

That he doesn't is disturbing. Could he have had an affair with her?

rocketgal · 30/09/2024 19:03

OP what does your husband think about you not being invited? Have you ever questioned it when you've not been invited before? Are they in some kind of menage a trois?! This is just so weird. You either socialise as couples or solo, you don't leave one spouse out. Your husband is completely out of order for letting this happen. This just wouldn't run in my household! So disrespectful to you. I would never normally advocate telling someone what they can and can't do but I think you're well within your rights to put a stop to this.

Owly11 · 30/09/2024 19:04

Have you actually seen the invite? I agree with others that something is going on. I would first want to establish if your DH is telling the truth - have you always taken his word for it that she hasn't invited you to things over the years? Because if so it would be very easy for him to be not passing on invitations to you. If you haven't seen the invite, that would be the first thing I would ask to see.

Calliopespa · 30/09/2024 19:09

Are you sure op she hasn’t got him listed on the invitation as the groom?!

OVienna · 30/09/2024 19:14

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 18:56

@OVienna I don't know, there are some pretty unaware people around! 😄

There are. But the OP and her DH have been married for over 10 years. He's committed to her and it's not ok for him to let his friends treat her this way.

ClarasSisters · 30/09/2024 19:16

@soundsys given that you say in your op that you've never been invited to anything by them I'm kind of surprised you're surprised. Or are you unsurprised but just weirded out?

You have a dh problem though - why has he never stuck up for you/asked why you're not invited? Or perhaps he has and just not been honest with you about the response.

xyz111 · 30/09/2024 19:17

YANBU. It's really weird for a big wedding. If she didn't like you, she could just stay away from you for the day. It's odd. I would go away for a Spa weekend, don't sit at home like billy no mates 🤣

5128gap · 30/09/2024 19:19

Well given the woman has gone out of her way not to be in your company, and has not asked you to her wedding with not even an attempt at a polite excuse, you can only conclude she dislikes you, and doesn't care if you or your husband know it. Which is fine, not everyone warms to everyone. But you'd think your H would have a problem with his close friend not even observing a pretence for his sake.

MounjaroUser · 30/09/2024 19:20

You have a real problem with him, OP.

When she's refused invitations to things with you, has she ever given a reason?

When she and her partner have invited your husband on his own before, has he gone?

How committed are you to this man? I just can't imagine being in love with a man who'd behave like this.

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