Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

😂😂😂

@soundsys did this friendship precede your relationship? Any history there?

And have you had any relationship issues that he'd be sharing with the bride?

Do his other friends want to spend time with you?

It's not okay, and you may tell him I said so. It's even worse that he goes out with them without including you.

She doesn't want you around but there will be a reason for that. It could be jealousy, but ime it's more likely to be something he told about you.

I think you have a DH problem. He is being so disrespectful, maybe because he knows what caused her to dislike you, and he now keeps you away to avoid you finding out what it was.
❤

I think it should be about time your dh puts and end to this so called friendship.

Agree with the others. You are the unwitting cause of the bride not wanting to be around you - ongoing relationship, past relationship, your DH having blamed something on you, some other friends in common who have dissed you etc.

I don't think I would let me DH slip out of telling me wtf is going on. It would mess with my mind a bit.

The bride clearly doesnt like the OP - so doesnt want her at HER wedding so is a complete bitch (unless there is some back story) or she is aware your DH couldn't give a stuff about you and prioritises their friendship over his marriage to you.
Your DH has happily shat over your feelings. Like someone else said, this would be an issue that would make me reconsider my marriage vows. Which, incidentally your DH should re-read; something about forsaking all others to prioritise you.
Would he read this thread and explain where his justification comes from for the total disregard of your feelings?

So many people are not taught about etiquette

And some people don't care about silly made up rules that are completely bonkers

This is a major social faux pas. Weddings are always ''couplely'' events. The numbers may look a bit odd too at the top table unless there's a single women going to be on it, but even then - will DH know her? Very rude not to invite you and DH is making a mistake.

She doesn't like you. The bigger issue is that your husband doesn't have your back.

That's something no one has considered until now.

Your husband does not respect your feelings, he shouldn’t even think of going.
Unless she is paying for your husband’s room you could have a luxury weekend as well and use the hotel’s facilities, just to annoy her. You could even meet up with your friends there or go away with friends to Barcelona for example.

I had this once. Turned out he had shagged her early in their 20s and wasn’t happy when he got together with me. We have already booked a holiday abroad for 5 days and he flew back for her wedding for day 2 of the holiday and then back on day 4. It was a farce and left a bitter taste - glad he is an ex.

Then you really do have a DH problem OP. He’s trying to sidestep the issue and pin the blame on you. The bride hasn’t invited you. I don’t care what the reason is, it’s a snub. He hasn’t got your back, he’s putting the brides’ feelings before that of his own wife, and it would be a potential deal breaker for me, because I would want to know why and if he couldn’t give me a satisfactory explanation and was still insisting on going alone - and staying overnight despite the fact you’re in the same city - it would be the end. It may be perfectly innocent, but the point is, it doesn’t look that way and the optics are what matter here.

Well said. Its fine to say well maybe she doesnt like the OP but unless the OP did something horrific (which presumably she hasn't or she would have mentioned it) its just plain nasty to leave out the spouse of someone you supposedly care about for no other rational reason that "I want to". It sounds like something a petulant 5 year old would say over a tea party invite.

Not only that, but there is a history there of her deliberately excluding the OP for no real reason.

This wouldnt fly with me- it's blatantly disrespectful and rude and the worst thing is- you dont even know why! If she had texted you and said I am so sorry not to invite you but we are so pressed for numbers, I am sure the OP would have accepted that but she hasn't.

I'd be having words with your DH. He sounds like a bit of a dickhead.

Maybe the groom has said something at some point to make her feel jealous of you - they have the perfect marriage, she’s the ideal wife etc

If this was my wife I'd be rejecting the invitation and showing where my loyalties are.

I would agree with checking if you were invited or if he declined on your behalf 🤔

@soundsys I'd be booking myself a weekend spa break or whatever you're into that weekend. Either alone or with a mate. Get dcs looked after if you have any.

But my dh and even exdh wouldn't be entertaining this shit show.

Book yourself a spa weekend for those days he is going - he doesn't look after you so you might as well do so.

@IVbumble snap 😂

I can’t imagine that my husband would accept such an invitation. We would both find this incredibly rude and entitled.

It is absolutely weird, and spiteful. How your husband can tolerate someone treating you with such distain is beyond comprehension.

I agree that a couple can invite whoever they like to their wedding, but a wedding is just a day and it’s not really very important to anyone other than the marrying couple. Which in turn means that such nasty behaviour can deservedly result in people choosing not to attend. Which is what your husband should be doing.

I’d want to know why he feels your exclusion is justified and why he feels that it’s acceptable to not consider your feelings himself.

Very bizarre.

I was invited to my male friends wedding, to be a witness, and my DH wasn't invited. But it was also at peak covid and he was v much welcome at the massive party they had a couple of years later!

I think your DH needs to have another conversation with the friend. Its all very well saying "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want" but does this mean random relatives and other couples are excluded?

I wouldn’t often give this advice oP, but this calls for a massive tantrum on your part.

Its seriously rude and targeted, given the size of the wedding and his prominent role in it.

It’s really undermining you that he is going along with it like a lapdog on a lead.

Nm a booking spa weekend I’d be booking a solicitor’s app 😂

Tell him to see if they’ll invite him on honeymoon too as if he prioritises their wishes over his own wife’s and goes to the wedding you don’t want him back.