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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Fleamaker · 30/09/2024 16:30

I suspect it's your husband who doesn't want you there.

This would really annoy me.

I would say you really want to go, and can he ask why you're not invited.

BackOfTheMum5net · 30/09/2024 16:34

I've been invited to several weddings without my partner, and I've always had more fun than on the occasions where he's been the person who doesn't know anyone and I've had to babysit him. I think this may be a generational thing, not feeling couples are attached at the hip and unable to socialise without each other. This has generally been when there has been a group of friends I'm part of, though once when I didn't really know anyone too.

People wait so long to get married these days that they know a lot of people they genuinely want to spend time with, and don't have the room or budget to pay for someone they don't know well or at all. I don't think it's necessarily as dramatic as people here are making out (though I seem to be in the minority here)!

OVienna · 30/09/2024 16:42

BackOfTheMum5net · 30/09/2024 16:34

I've been invited to several weddings without my partner, and I've always had more fun than on the occasions where he's been the person who doesn't know anyone and I've had to babysit him. I think this may be a generational thing, not feeling couples are attached at the hip and unable to socialise without each other. This has generally been when there has been a group of friends I'm part of, though once when I didn't really know anyone too.

People wait so long to get married these days that they know a lot of people they genuinely want to spend time with, and don't have the room or budget to pay for someone they don't know well or at all. I don't think it's necessarily as dramatic as people here are making out (though I seem to be in the minority here)!

The OPs situation is more complicated than this though. But it is a DH problem at the root if it all.

AllAboutNiamh · 30/09/2024 16:42

Your husband is being completely disloyal to you if he goes. I’d struggle to forgive this.

GrumpyDullard · 30/09/2024 16:43

DP and I met through a mutual friend. We both love the friend but I cannot stand his wife and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like me either. No particular reason for it, just a personality clash. DP isn’t bothered about her one way or the other.

BUT there is no way we’d invite him to anything without inviting her too because we care about our friend and although I don’t like his wife, it’s not like she’s actually unpleasant to me (or vice versa). So I can put up with her for the sake of the friend. If we invited him and not her, I would 100% expect him to challenge us and it would probably ruin the friendship- because he’s a nice guy who loves his wife.

Fleamaker · 30/09/2024 16:44

Has there been a paper invitation sent to just your husband, or is it just him saying you haven't been invited?
I think there's more to this, and he could possibly be keeping you separate. I mean why would she be so rude declining all attempts to meet up? It doesn't make sense.

Boomer55 · 30/09/2024 16:44

It would be pretty normal to invite you as a plus 1, but the bride and groom can invite who they like. 🤷‍♀️

HollyKnight · 30/09/2024 16:46

I would wonder if your DH has been confiding in/complaining to her about issues he's had with you - which friends often do - but that's gone and resulted in her not liking you or wanting you anywhere near her. It would also explain why your DH is pretending to be oblivious to why this has happened.

HideousKinky · 30/09/2024 16:58

What explanation for the bride's behaviour does you DH give?

LumpyandBumps · 30/09/2024 17:04

Of course people can invite just who they want to their wedding, but it seems ironic to me that on their special day, of formally joining together, they expect people who have already made that commitment to attend separately.
I can sometimes see the logic with work colleagues when genuinely only one of them is known to one of the couple, but not in a situation like the OP.

RVEllacott · 30/09/2024 17:04

I know a couple who needed to have a low budget wedding and invited main/original friend only for a lot of guests (so there were very few plus ones even where the couple was well established). However they were transparent about what they were doing and apologised that they couldn't invite everyone they wanted.

I think it's up to them who they invite but, if they're not doing the wedding on a shoe string and other guests have got their partners there, it's a bit odd.

Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting · 30/09/2024 17:09

The bride and groom can invite who they like but it is hurtful not being included. If it was my DH I would feel hurt that he isn't bothered you aren't invited. Then again, DH and I were invited to a wedding a few months ago. Someone my DH works with. I know a few of his colleagues well but many I didn't know. We were invited to the day and evening. I got to know other people from his work. All nice but they said they didn't realise my DH was married or had dc's. He has been at the same company over 35 years and we have been married nearly 25. I know my DH keeps himself to himself with the company. Big organisation, but I was like, wtaf. 🙄I made it clear in a tongue and cheek way that they will get to know his next wife. Grabbed a drink and went off dancing.

SallySesame · 30/09/2024 17:11

OP @soundsys what is the outcome you want here? I would be tempted to send her a message saying that she’s free to invite who she wants to her wedding and you wish her the best with her marriage. But you’re sad that there’s clearly something between you and you’d like to clear the air.

That way you get to deal with it and DH sees that you are the bigger person. Or she ignores it and DH sees that you are the bigger person. Either way it’s better than guessing and if DH hasn’t got it out in the open by now then I doubt he’s going to.

iamtheblcksheep · 30/09/2024 17:15

This is so odd.

She either:

a. Knows you from a previous encounter and you just don’t remember. We all apparently called my DH sister pissy pants at school causing her to move schools. I have zero recollection of her prior to meeting my husband. Nor do I ever remember referring to anyone as pissy pants ever.

b. He’s made you out to be a monster and she’s defending her friend.

c. She’s an utter bitch.

Either way in this situation where someone clearly hated me, my DH would be finding his bags on the doorstep if he chose to go to the wedding over defending me. I’m not controlling at all. I genuinely do not give a toss what he does but in this situation it’s the principal

Overpayment · 30/09/2024 17:18

ArrowOfAthena · 30/09/2024 09:15

oh behave

Maybe the bride doesnt like the OP? Maybe they have a strict 100 cutoff and there are 100 other people that mean more to the couple than the OP

I have no issues not inviting both parts of a couple to a wedding - just because you are married/long term partners doesn't mean you are joined at the hip

Show quote history

I wonder if it may be some variant of the above viewpoint OP?

So many people are not taught about etiquette, and because they don’t understand it, they proceed to scoff at it.

Im not sure it matters if the snub is borne of ignorance or malice tbh, I’d absolutely be expecting my DH to decline such an impolite invitation. If he still goes, then you have a DH problem I’m afraid.

Jammedchakra · 30/09/2024 17:19

This would be a hill I’d die on. He goes, I’d never forgive him.

Rude in the extreme. Fuck off is the only sane response.

Gymmum82 · 30/09/2024 17:22

I would have said YABU. Twice recently I’ve been invited to weddings without my husband. We’ve been married 12 years. However both those times the bride and groom had never met my husband and we weren’t close friends.
In this case though YANBU. She clearly doesn’t like you at all for some reason and this seems very weird

Josette77 · 30/09/2024 17:22

Please show your DH this thread. He's being an asshole.

Of course you should be invited. I'm going to a wedding in November of a woman I've never even met because she's one of my partners best friends. She lives in a different city. She's still gracious enough to invite me presumably because she loves and respects my partner.

I was married for 18 years. My ex husband and I wouldn't behave like this. In fact mutual friends are visiting our city and only invited him and our son out and he invited me himself! Lol

Josette77 · 30/09/2024 17:24

OP said she is NEVER invited out with them, despite always inviting them to their parties.

This goes beyond the wedding rudeness.

I wouldn't even ask for most things and would assume my partners invited unless it's a girl's night.

crockofshite · 30/09/2024 17:25

soundsys · 30/09/2024 14:56

Yep this is what I strongly suspect tbh

Show quote history

If there is more going on, ie current or past affair, then the bride is simply making it as obvious as possible.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2024 17:29

lololulu · 30/09/2024 09:06

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you.

Or he's lied and made you out to be awful.

Yep, this. It would be a deal breaker for me. If op is not invited as his long standing partner, then he doesn’t go. Anything else is disrespectful. If her DH puts the brides demands before OP’s feelings, I would want to know why.

BibbityBobbityToo · 30/09/2024 17:32

Unless you have form for being an embarrassing drunk or turning up at other people's weddings wearing an over the top white dress that's a total snub. Are the other 100 guests not having a +1?

Or, is DH planning on taking someone else? Only asking as someone turned up at my wedding with their bit on the side, I was raging and never spoke to them again.

CheshireCat1 · 30/09/2024 17:32

Is your DH taking another plus 1.

NiftyKoala · 30/09/2024 17:32

Taz55 · 30/09/2024 09:00

Why has your oh allowed her to treat you like this?

He needs to back out of any part of this wedding. This "friend" is clearly and very obvious, being nasty to you.

Hobnob22 · 30/09/2024 17:36

Maybe there isn't a history between them. Maybe you've made a few comments over the years that your husband has relayed e.g " is X still single,she's running out of time/hard work/picky"...