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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Trallers · 30/09/2024 14:58

I'd be really upset that he doesn't have a problem with his friend continually excluding and avoiding you.

Why does he not seem to care about your feelings? Why is he not disappointed you dont get to go to the wedding together? Why didn't he think his friend was reslly bloody rude for saying 'it's my wedding I can invite who I like' and get cross on your behalf.

I woulnt stay friends with someone who viewed/treated my huanabd like this. He has picked her over you essentially.

purin · 30/09/2024 14:59

ArrowOfAthena · 30/09/2024 14:58

Oh for fucks sake

The bride clearly doesnt like the OP - so doesnt want her at HER wedding

Theres no conspiracy

Show quote history

And this is necessary based on your explanation why exactly…?

soundsys · Today 13:58

Sorry I mean the wedding is on our city so there's no need for him to stay in a hotel, he could easily get there on the day of the wedding!

SiobhanSharpe · 30/09/2024 15:07

I have to wonder if this bride to be is deliberately shit stirring with the lack of an invitation for her friend's wife -- for whatever reason, she doesn't like the op/wife while at the same time being fairly close to the OP's husband.
Whether she's jealous or just can't stand her -- who knows? But she's definitely stirring the pot.
She sounds plain nasty.

Think I'd be taking myself off somewhere glamorous with a (mixed) group of friends for the duration of the wedding, and perhaps a few days more. Sauce for the goose...

Mama2many73 · 30/09/2024 15:12

There's a 'depends on..' for me.
My DH was invited to a friend/colleagues wedding. He worked with the groom but also in the same place as bride. I had worked with both St some point but don't any longer.

I wasn't invited but on closer review none of the partners of colleagues, regardless of friendship/known both were invited . This was down to money and numbers ( over 100 there) . It would have been another 15-20 guests. Dh didnt stay over, O stayed at a local B&B with the kids and after the evening reception he got a taxi back to us and we had a lovely weekend at the beach.

Has everyone else who's invited git their plus 1? Have all the bridal party 'officials ' ? Does she want his attention on being the witness and not looking out for you? Would you be sat on your own etc if you went?

How I'd feel would depend on those answers.

Obviously the quote 'it's my wedding....' leaves a bad taste as in its more her choice than necessity!

LadyInDecline · 30/09/2024 15:18

It is very odd........but given that he only socialises with this friend without you I'm not totally surprised.

I think you have a DH issue !!!!

Figsonit · 30/09/2024 15:21

You need to go back and think about when you and your husband first got together, and your initial meeting with this woman. What was going on that meant it became the norm for you to be excluded, or kept apart from her? And why didn't you query it before now?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/09/2024 15:23

YANBU. And yes, I see this as a husband problem rather than a bride problem.

He has been perfectly content for his female friend and her fiance to exclude you from any invite that would normally be issued to a couple, and he has been content for this situation to continue for years. Doesn't sound as if he's ever questioned your exclusion, indeed you summarised that he "would say I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal, no one else would think it was a big deal and essentially it's my problem". He endorses your exclusion.

My guess is that your husband has been so disparaging of you to her and her fiance that she believes you to be a horrible person, and that her friendship offers your husband a refuge from the Hell that is you. I know that sounds like a bit of a stretch, but in my opinion it has to be something at that sort of level to account for your continued exclusion, her consistent refusal to accept invites that would involve being in your company, and this ultimate snub of excluding the marriage partner of a close friend (and witness) from a celebration of marriage.

Your husband, for his own reasons, has created the conditions where his friend treats you like an oncoming plague - to be avoided at any cost. And he gaslights you about this extremely abnormal situation. Basically - it suits him for his wife to be excluded. Were you ever to be included in their company, I wonder just what manner of cat would be let out of the bag.

You have a husband problem.

ArrowOfAthena · 30/09/2024 15:27

purin · 30/09/2024 14:59

And this is necessary based on your explanation why exactly…?

soundsys · Today 13:58

Sorry I mean the wedding is on our city so there's no need for him to stay in a hotel, he could easily get there on the day of the wedding!

Show quote history

because a lot of the posters here are making up scenarios for the bride not to want to invite the OP - there is likely to be no underllying reason of an affair, or similar - the woman is getting married. If she liked the OP then she would have invited her.

It's not complicated.

zeibesaffron · 30/09/2024 15:31

If you haven’t spent much time with the bride and have no strong relationship with her then unfortunately she can invite who she wants to the wedding. It’s not great but I wouldn’t stop my DH from going or being part of the day.

There maybe 100 guests but if they are from a big family most of those people could be relatives - there could genuinely be no more room!

People have to make decisions, they maybe unpopular, but thats down to the bride and groom!

IDontHateRainbows · 30/09/2024 15:35

It's weird without a back story.

mum11970 · 30/09/2024 15:37

Ynbu. Damn rude in those circumstances. Can’t believe your dh is going along with it. I think I’d be questioning why my dh would rather go along with you being disrespected in this way than tell his friend that it’s out of order and decline the invitation

Ginnnny · 30/09/2024 15:39

Probably a numbers thing? I'd not overthink it. My DP was invited to the wedding of one of his friends a couple of years ago, and along with his close group of male friends (6 of them total), no partners were invited!

anon2022anon · 30/09/2024 15:42

The other men from the friendship group- are their partners invited? Have you got a relationship with the groom yourself?

We are getting married this year. Large family and small registry office means that some friends are invited without partners to the ceremony and meal. Those partners are invited later though, to the evening reception. We are also inviting some friends in group without partners to the evening reception.
Interestingly, my friends partners (men) couldn't give a shit, but his friends have suggested not doing it, as their female partners will probably hold a grudge. So we're likely to be having a wedding ceremony with some people there who I've only met once in a 10 year relationship and can't remember what they look like. Fun.

At the end of the day, numbers are tight, it costs a fortune to get married. Their choice might be between a partner or an actual friend. Are you that bothered that you don't get to see this wedding, or are you bothered because you think it's out of order?

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2024 15:43

Your husband is disrespectful and dismissive of your feelings. Is he generally like this?

Or is he normally a great partner, supportive and kind?

Stringagal · 30/09/2024 15:48

I’m not one for drama and don’t think I’ve ever had an argument with my husband about social arrangements, BUT I’d be hauling him over the coals with this one. Completely out of order of her, but your husband isn’t doing the right thing by you either.

I’d be making it clear that it’s making you question your own marriage. See what the says to that!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 30/09/2024 15:59

It's very strange to be so pointedly excluded, but more than anything I wonder what your DH makes of it. Perhaps he thinks it's fine to be invited on his own, since he normally sees this woman without you? If so, are you OK with him having a female friend that you hardly ever see? That's the most important thing. Some partners would mind, others would not.

NoTouch · 30/09/2024 16:04

Your dh and his friend are obviously close and have talked about this, his friend will have explained in the past why she has declined invites and he will absolutely know why you are not invited.

He might be not telling you to save your feelings, but his loyalty should be to you not her and, assuming you are not a drama llama and can accept its ok if someone doesn't like you, he should tell you if you ask him straight what her concerns are and what triggered them. I would have a huge issue if my dh wasn't open with me about something like this.

MayaPinion · 30/09/2024 16:04

Did she really choose to not invite you or did your DH ask her not to because he fancies a jolly with his mates, hence the coming over the night before and ‘helping to set up’ rather than turning up on the day. To me, that’s far more likely than her having some vendetta against you.

TequilaNights · 30/09/2024 16:06

How well does he know the bridesmaids?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 30/09/2024 16:07

soundsys · 30/09/2024 14:56

Yep this is what I strongly suspect tbh

Show quote history

do you think they were hooking up before you married and she therefore resents you??

still really weird that she can’t even be bothered to be polite. I invited so many people to my wedding I wasn’t bothered about out of politeness 🤣

Pinkytoes · 30/09/2024 16:13

I sympathise I’ve had this with my man he works with a lot of younger colleagues they keep getting married and not inviting the plus ones ! So off he goes all dressed up when normally he doesn’t make much effort with clothes . He even bought a new pair of shoes , when he came home he said he had been slipping and sliding all evening, oh I did secretly snigger.
It really winds me up ! but I don’t want him going with a moany Minnie at home so I smile sweetly and fume all night ! I wouldn’t go without him but some men don’t seem to care . In your situation maybe she looks at him as her friend and isn’t interested in his life without her in it. Bit selfish really , but keep smiling .

Inthedarkhere · 30/09/2024 16:14

My son was invited to his friends' wedding, he and his wife knew the couple well although the main original friendship was between the two blokes.

The wedding invitation, inexplicably, was just to my son. He asked if it was a mistake and was told, we're keeping strictly to no more than a hundred guests, sorry. He very politely declined the invitation and was told begrudgingly that my DIL could attend the evening reception but he still said no, it's fine, I won't come. They jointly sent the B&G a nice card but no gift.

CasaBianca · 30/09/2024 16:17

Your OH really needs to say something, it is not on to exclude you like this.

Myusernamemustbeatleastthreecharacters · 30/09/2024 16:24

Wow. Incredibly rude. I would be fuming if my DH still attended in this scenario. Yes her wedding she can invite who she wants blah blah but this causes trouble between a couple and it is outrageous. I'd honestly tell my DH not to bother coming home if he chose to attend without me when its blatant bullying exclusion on their part. (Presuming no back story) dividing couples is not the done thing at weddings.

MrsPeterHarris · 30/09/2024 16:25

Trallers · 30/09/2024 14:58

I'd be really upset that he doesn't have a problem with his friend continually excluding and avoiding you.

Why does he not seem to care about your feelings? Why is he not disappointed you dont get to go to the wedding together? Why didn't he think his friend was reslly bloody rude for saying 'it's my wedding I can invite who I like' and get cross on your behalf.

I woulnt stay friends with someone who viewed/treated my huanabd like this. He has picked her over you essentially.

This!

I'd be so upset Op & would seriously be considering my relationship if someone who is supposed to love & cherish you allows you to be so poorly treated!