Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

Is he generally a selfish and inconsiderate dp op? Because this reeks of being that kind of partner. ‘Oh you don’t like getting left out deliberately?? Jesus Christ what is your problem this is perfectly normal of course I’m going she’s a good friend, and you’re unstable!! Like seriously…
if you have friends around (not these people who are never ever coming into uour house obviously) can you describe the situation, say she never invites you anywhere and now hasn’t invited you to their wedding but want dh to witness, do you think they’d have a normal reaction?

My husband has gone to weddings without me (but I was invited) due to it being adult only. We didn't have childcare and it was easier as they were a long way away. I didn't mind.

If I hadn't been invited however that would have been very odd. Even though I couldn't attend my husband wouldn't be happy with that either.

I think something is amiss and I would want to get to the bottom of it. It may be she was genuinely busy or has social anxiety? I hope it's something simple.

I would want you to know why you can't attend as an evening guest if not the whole event? Tbh and a compromise?

I would say to him it’s fine for you to go but now really need you to tell me the backstory of this situation. I would just be too curious!!

I find it weirder than not being invited to the wedding, that he goes out with them as a couple and you are not invited.

Which one ?

Also, if this isn’t the tip of the iceberg and it’s slowly becoming clear your dp is a total asshole, id hit the roof, tell him what I thought, and if its not a marriage ender anyway, id say from now on they are no longer welcome in our house. If you invite them to our house then we are done, because I need to live in a house where people who strongly visibly dislike me aren’t welcome. If you can’t support that then we are done now. Right now. Because if he won’t support you in that he’s not worth it. (And please book yourself several nights somewhere lovely so you’re not home alone and you’re not home when he gets back)

YANBU.
I don’t think (actually, I know) my husband would decline under those circumstances.

I’m afraid the implications are obvious as to why…

I think other people WILL think it's odd. How will your dh reply when people who know you both ask "Sudsy not with you?" Does he pretend you're busy, does he say you didn't want to attend or does he say that the bride didn't invite you?

I really can't understand how your dh can be such an important part of the bride's life, yet she never attends anything you host and never invites you to her events. I wonder what her finace thinks.

Usually I think people are overreacting on these threads where they’ve not been invited to a wedding but their partner has. In this case, it’s really weird and very rude.

Your DH has been invited to go up the day before to set up, is a witness and it’s a big wedding. The bride is your DH’s friend and has full control of the guest list. You’ve invited her (and her partner) to things lots of times but she’s never come and she only ever invites your DH to things, never including you? It’s basically a big neon sign saying FUCK OFF SOUNDSYS. No one says you need to always invite friends to social occasions with their partners but to never invite the partner sends a very strong message.

You have a DH problem if he can’t/won’t see this ^

This is not a one off. This is the culmination of her constantantly excluding you. And as pps have said this should make him feel embarrassed for you! How spineless.

He’s ashamed of you? Thinks he’s punching under his weight? Doesn’t want you socializing with his mates? He sounds awful!

sorry. I’m not entirely sure I understand what you mean?!!

This has given me the rage on your behalf OP. If you aren't a guest at the wedding, your DH should say no and not be a witness to it. It beggars belief IMO that you're not invited especially to such an important statement of friendship - even if she doesn't like you! WOW.

Dh and I have been to several weddings where the other person wasn't invited, usually work colleagues, old uni friends etc where the other person didn't have a relationship with the B or G, so I don't think that in itself is an issue.

The issue is that the bride openly dislikes you and excludes you for reasons unknown to you. Would you want to go anyway? The bride can invite who she wants and she obviously has her reasons for not liking you. I wouldn't invite someone i didnt like to my wedding.

The other issue is that your dh has continued this relationship with her. It just sounds weird.

This whole thread strikes me as OP refusing to remove the blinkers by brushing it off as just weird. There is obviously no amount of persuading OP that both her DH & his 'friend' are dismissing her as totally unimportant. I was hoping you'd come back OP with letting us know your DH changed his mind about going but it looks like that's not going to happen. You asked AIBU. You know your not but sadly you've just not accepted it.

Maybe there isn't a wedding at all - but the DH is planning a night away with his 'friend' and needs a cover story?

Do you have mutual friends? Can you ask around all of them as to what you've done to Bride that she hasn't even asked you to the wedding? Frame it as "I am not exactly hurt as we don't really know each other, but a) that's only because she consistently avoids my events and b) normal social etiquette would be to ask a plus 1". If everyone looks awkward or doesn't answer then start making jokes about "They're not shagging, are they? Come on guys, don't leave me hanging!" Make it SUPER awkward for everyone....

On the face of it, there is merit in the 'it's my wedding...' position by the bride of itself and I wouldn't hang an argument on that. I would tie this to the wider 'bride invited by you and never turns up' and bride always invites your DP on his own to non-wedding events. I would either speak to your DP's friend yourself and ask about that otherwise get a proper explanation from your DP's friend via your DP. I'd not invite the bride again and possibly put your foot down and not invite your DP's friend to events you host or arrange, depending on how strongly you feel and, based on your posts, you seem to feel quite strongly.

By the way, I have met women who take a strong dislike to people they've never met so wouldn't be certain but would expect an explanation.

Good luck.

This doesn’t add up. Has your dh told her that you are away or something? It’s very easy to blame this woman but the clue to all this might be your DH. Is he spinning things to how he wants them?

or are they part of a rugby clique or something and he prefers to party without you?

Get him a copy of 'This is how your marriage ends' by Matthew Fray. Yes, the man who wrote the blog post about leaving cups by the sink.
He describes in great detail the effect of death by a thousand cuts like this. How he similarly dismissed his fiancée/wife's feelings, didn't prioritize what should be the primary relationship in anyone's life and the cumulative effect it has over time. He is starting the path towards chronic resentment, if he isn't already well and truly on it.

I totally agree that there’s a disconnect between the size of the wedding and DH’s involvement verses the lack of invite to you. I think it’s strange from the couple’s perspective but I think more than that you have a DH problem. There has to be more going on than he is sharing with you, either historically or currently, probably both.

A wedding where the bride doesn't recognise the importance of a married couple on the invite? Seriously weird - surprised he didn't answer 'well I'm the witness and I'll attend if I want to........and I don't want to'.

I would be annoyed and would like to think my DH wouldn't go.

Yep this is what I strongly suspect tbh

Oh for fucks sake

The bride clearly doesnt like the OP - so doesnt want her at HER wedding

Theres no conspiracy