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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Lourdes12 · 30/09/2024 13:43

Has she invited husband and wife of other couples she doesn't know that well? For example: are there any other male friends of hers invited but she hasn't invited their wife or vice versa

Tohaveandtohold · 30/09/2024 13:46

She’s rude and your husband is even worse for facilitating it.
I don’t expect my husband’s work colleagues to invite me to their wedding if the invite is generic for work colleagues, same as the other way round. However when they’re close enough to be having personal roles at the wedding, it’s courteous to invite the spouse.
My DH wouldn’t attend this and I won’t either if the roles were reversed. He’s the one facilitating her being rude to you but then, maybe he doesn’t want you there and has lied that you’re not invited for some reason.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2024 13:47

If you said this is disrespectful, distressing and you don’t want him to attend as it is hurtful, what would he say?

Sceptical123 · 30/09/2024 13:49

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 30/09/2024 09:03

Shame if dh had Covid....

I don’t think he needs to think of an excuse - if OP genuinely believes she has done nothing to offend this woman he should just say - My wife comes first, I don’t want to come if she hasn’t been invited. Have a nice time.

End of.

Sceptical123 · 30/09/2024 13:51

lololulu · 30/09/2024 09:06

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you.

Or he's lied and made you out to be awful.

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you

Yet she’s marrying some other bloke

ElleintheWoods · 30/09/2024 13:52

She just doesn’t like you and get on with you. She hasn’t invited you to anything in the past so why the wedding?

Doesn’t make you or her a bad person, she’s just being quite direct.

Bthebestucanb · 30/09/2024 13:55

soundsys · 30/09/2024 13:06

In this situation I wouldn't find it weird at all - if he was going as part of a group eg colleagues, friends from a hobby. - no issues whatsoever. We're not a couple that's joined at the hip and he is - of course - free to socialise without me. But for a big wedding where he's a witness? And to not even invite me to the evening? It's weird!

Show quote history

Sorry OP, it's not weird it's absolutely dredful on both sides. This awful woman not inviting you given the circumstances & your DH for accepting the invitation & going without you. Are you not beside yourself with anger? I would be as would the majority of posters on this thread as shown by the replies.

Blueroses99 · 30/09/2024 13:56

PP made a good point - she wants your DH to witness her marriage but doesn’t respect his. Stop inviting her to stuff in future, she’s made her feelings clear that she’s only interested in being friends with your DH so leave them to it.

MaryShelley1818 · 30/09/2024 13:58

I think in some circumstances it's absolutely fine not to invite other half's (I'm going to a Uni friends mid-week evening do later this year and we've been invited as a Uni group- 5 of us).
However in these circumstances I think it's really rude and I would expect your husband to be declining.

Original poster
soundsys · 30/09/2024 13:58

Bumcake · 30/09/2024 13:22

I’d be fed up with this for sure, it’s just rude. I’d be especially annoyed at the cost of a hotel for presumably two nights (although I’m not sure what OP means by the city where both couples live).

Sorry I mean the wedding is on our city so there's no need for him to stay in a hotel, he could easily get there on the day of the wedding!

OP posts:
Pumpkinsoup24 · 30/09/2024 13:59

Very weird.
Tell your husband he's not going and don't invite her ever again to anything. Time to cut this person pit your life

CatLady22222 · 30/09/2024 13:59

This bride to be is being an unreasonable cow, but your husband shouldn't entertain this crap either. Its an unwritten social rule that if a friend you invite to your wedding has a significant other, you invite the pair of them. If I was this woman's fiancee, I'd also be concerned by this behaviour. Maybe she has a secret crush on your husband. You guys need to be a united front and your husband needs to deal with this accordingly. Why would he want to support a woman on her wedding day, who clearly has a vendetta against you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
soundsys · 30/09/2024 13:59

PrismSkyLight · 30/09/2024 13:30

Is this your first marriage and your husbands ?

I could imagine her not wanting you there if she were friends with his first wife other than that it is rude.

Everyone's first marriage, no ex-wives or husbands to consider.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/09/2024 14:00

Overall I'd have a problem with this but you've tacitly gone along with this for some time it would appear if he's always gone to events with them on a solo basis.
I think I'd be having a strop about the overnight stay beforehand though. He's a witness, he's just signing a book.

Original poster
soundsys · 30/09/2024 14:03

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2024 13:47

If you said this is disrespectful, distressing and you don’t want him to attend as it is hurtful, what would he say?

He would say I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal, no one else would think it was a big deal and essentially it's my problem

(Hence the thread really, because I think most people would think it's not ok!)

OP posts:
IsawwhatIsaw · 30/09/2024 14:03

She disrespects you, your DH goes along with it. He’s actively involved in a wedding you’re totally excluded from.
Were they involved in the past? Or he’s talked unflatteringly about you?
Something very wrong here.

lololulu · 30/09/2024 14:05

@Sceptical123

I meant that those are two possibilities not fact.

StormingNorman · 30/09/2024 14:05

YANBU. She doesn’t like you. But it’s your husband at fault for not calling out her bullshit.

fairydust11 · 30/09/2024 14:05

Pumpkinsoup24 · 30/09/2024 13:59

Very weird.
Tell your husband he's not going and don't invite her ever again to anything. Time to cut this person pit your life

I completely agree.
If you put your foot down who would he choose?
It is very odd that he is enabling this woman to continually disrespect you.

Concentrationneeded · 30/09/2024 14:05

I think I'd be finding a new plus one for future events for myself if my DH thought this was OK. Are you sure he doesn't have another plus one?

Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2024 14:09

I can’t believe he is going to the wedding. It’s a huge snub. He should be offended, not just on your behalf, but for himself.

mumtotwo11 · 30/09/2024 14:10

@soundsys did she come to your wedding to DH?

Maybe text her yourself and ask what her problem is with you?

Suffolker · 30/09/2024 14:14

This sounds very weird behaviour to me, both on the part of the bride and your DH. How/when did they meet? Sounds very much as though there is some ‘history’. Extremely poor form not to invite you when it’s a large wedding and he is taking on a key role.

Tbry24 · 30/09/2024 14:17

YANBU he doesn’t even need to stay in a hotel either. I’m fine with my DP doing anything he likes but I’d not be OK with this as there’s something else going on.

What has your DH said to her about you or what has happened between them in the past…lt’s one or the other or both.

Also if I was in this situation and my DP was excluded I’d obviously not attend….your DH is going though!

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 30/09/2024 14:17

Well she’s hugely impolite, obviously, but kind of whatever, she doesn’t owe you anything.

Your DH, otoh, wtf if he actually thinking? I’d be properly pissed off that he was fine with this and if he told me I was overreacting to be cross, I would, indeed, overreact.

How did you and your DH get together? Were you OW? Was she friends with his previous partner?