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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
BESTAUNTB · 30/09/2024 12:54

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2024 12:49

That is very different from what was expecting. He's invited as a 'witness' normally means like 2 guests at a registry office, not 100! How odd.

Show quote history

Yes I agree with Cherrysoup. Small weddings often do not feature partners of invitees. But a wedding of 100 people where the witness’s OH is not invited? Very odd. I honestly don’t think a bride and groom would do this.

To me, it smacks of DH wanting to keep you separate from this gang for whatever reason.

Skipsurvey · 30/09/2024 12:55

this happened to a relative, her husband not invited.
she refused the invitation,
gave them a bucket as a wedding present!

HowToSaveAWife · 30/09/2024 12:55

I think your biggest issue is your H totally going along with this madness. How does he think you feel? I can honestly say hand on heart my DH would never even entertain this attitude let alone go along with it.

TheAlchemy · 30/09/2024 12:58

What does the groom think of his soon to be wife’s weird relationship with your DH?

Mrsredlipstick · 30/09/2024 12:58

I am sorry but I think they have history.
My husband had a female friend who sent various cards and invites, he never went to anything.

Do you have your own money? You should make a point of going away that weekend if he still intends to go. Book a couple of days with a girlfriend at a nice location. Spa, shopping, theatre, whatever floats your boat.
If you think this is something that is the beginning of the end get a clear head and have some fun. Tell him you're away that weekend too, what a shame.
It is seriously disrespectful to exclude you. I don't like some spouses in my circle but no way would I exclude them. I'm sure her husband to be is delighted your DH is playing such a big part in her life, not.

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/09/2024 12:58

@TheAlchemy , a very good question

lizzyBennet08 · 30/09/2024 13:00

My husbands work place all trend to be single invitation only. There are about 20 of them that work together and that plus partners would be too many for most weddings so they all go as singles. I don't find it weird to be honest as long as it's no just him.

Avatartar · 30/09/2024 13:01

Could you attend if asked? Do you have DCs, is it a school day, is your job rota’d, teacher, doctor, needed on call to make it hard/impossible to attend if invited? If not, I think it’s odd that you’re not asked

TemuSpecialBuy · 30/09/2024 13:05

soundsys · 30/09/2024 10:20

Sorry I thought it was clear from my first post he does intend to go: that's really my AIBU.

If it was the other way round I'd decline and I'm gobsmacked that he thinks it's not a big deal!

Show quote history

Wtaf????

That is WILD.

None of this is normal or okay...
on the surface its an invite to a party but actually i think its a really big deal

There is clearly something you dont know here
Either he is bad mouthing you he fancies her/she fancies him / they have had sex.... something!

He is being incredibly disrespectful and disloyal allowing this to a.happen and b.continue.

If you dont have children already I'd very honestly be shelving them until this was resolved.

Carodebalo · 30/09/2024 13:05

YANBU - that is REALLY fucking weird. I would not be OK with this to be honest, and would have a discussion about this with my husband. Yes she chooses the guests, but HE chooses to go along with this and it is really, really weird.

Original poster
soundsys · 30/09/2024 13:06

lizzyBennet08 · 30/09/2024 13:00

My husbands work place all trend to be single invitation only. There are about 20 of them that work together and that plus partners would be too many for most weddings so they all go as singles. I don't find it weird to be honest as long as it's no just him.

In this situation I wouldn't find it weird at all - if he was going as part of a group eg colleagues, friends from a hobby. - no issues whatsoever. We're not a couple that's joined at the hip and he is - of course - free to socialise without me. But for a big wedding where he's a witness? And to not even invite me to the evening? It's weird!

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/09/2024 13:08

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2024 09:56

She wants to celebrate her wedding, with DH as witness ( a very big deal) but won't acknowledge or respect his marriage? Yes that's weird and rude.

In a big wedding like that, it might be ok not to ask the spouse of a work friend whom you'd never met, if there were other colleagues attending, but otherwise , it's a formal event publicly celebrating marriage, and so of course married people would be invited with their spouses.

There's something more to this. She doesn't know you enough to dislike you personally, so unless you've done something like getting drunk and violent at a previous do, it's either she fancies your DH or there a history between them that you haven't been told about.

I agree with you and the fact her DH has been going to her events without OP and still plans to go to the wedding suggests he knows why she doesn't like OP.

He surely can't be that dense or lack awareness to not know that it's wrong to exclude his partner like that or ignore how she feels.

ManchesterLu · 30/09/2024 13:12

AD1509 · 30/09/2024 09:00

I would say depends on the size of the wedding.

Yeah, this. If it's literally a case of a couple of witnesses and immediate family, that's fine. If there's a big party and lots of guests, it's weird.

Although, personally, I'd be very pleased not to have to go to a wedding and try to make small talk (or sit on my own) all day/night when my DP was catching up with old friends.

Cas112 · 30/09/2024 13:15

She doesnt like your company

Which is fine op, not everyone likes everyone and im sure you dont pine for her friendship so just move on. Having a partner does not mean their friends have to be your friends and vice versa

Londonrach1 · 30/09/2024 13:17

The behaviour before is vvvv strange. If I was your dh I'd have back away from someone so strange to you. The lack of invite to the wedding is less strange. What your dh say about her. Yanbu

lololulu · 30/09/2024 13:17

You've probably mentioned this already but has he actually asked her why you aren't invited?

Or does he know the reason but can't / won't say?

SpottySpotSpots · 30/09/2024 13:20

lololulu · 30/09/2024 13:17

You've probably mentioned this already but has he actually asked her why you aren't invited?

Or does he know the reason but can't / won't say?

She answers this in the OP (well, in that her reason is 'because its her wedding and she'll invite who she wants')

Figgygal · 30/09/2024 13:20

Shes rude and he's out of order for facilitating it. I'd be unimpressed .....has he never called her out on it?

Bumcake · 30/09/2024 13:22

I’d be fed up with this for sure, it’s just rude. I’d be especially annoyed at the cost of a hotel for presumably two nights (although I’m not sure what OP means by the city where both couples live).

CraftyYankee · 30/09/2024 13:27

Well it seems like you have two choices. Smile, wave him off to the wedding and think to yourself "nowt as strange as people" and enjoy a day to yourself

Or

Tell him you think this arrangement is weird and disrespectful to you and you don't understand why he's going along with it, thus opening the can of worms.

(There is a third choice, of doing #1 and thinking #2, but that doesn't do anything but sweep the subject under the rug.)

lololulu · 30/09/2024 13:28

@SpottySpotSpots But that's not really an answer.

PrismSkyLight · 30/09/2024 13:30

Is this your first marriage and your husbands ?

I could imagine her not wanting you there if she were friends with his first wife other than that it is rude.

Pipsquiggle · 30/09/2024 13:31

@soundsys the more I think about this, the more I think that your DH could be something to do with this.
How many brides/ grooms do you know that would be so bitchy to exclude anyone without any kind of previous shitty behaviour from either party? Sounds like you are 'normal' long term acquaintances.
Is your DH counting on you not to hear directly from the B or G?

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/09/2024 13:38

She sounds awful.
He is an absolute tool for agreeing to go, and not checking this treatment of you.
I agree with PP about what her future husband thinks?
Maybe you can befriend him and take him to dinner to find out? Clearly that’s a joke but how would she feel?
I think she enjoys the control and he loves having his ego massaged.

Pluvia · 30/09/2024 13:39

EI12 · 30/09/2024 12:41

He should not be a witness and neither of you should go. Please send them a book of Modern manners by Debrett's. Preferably, second-hand, as a wedding gift.

This. All the people saying that it's the bride's choice appear to be unaware that they are demonstrating a basic lack of manners.