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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 30/09/2024 12:20

Trixiefirecracker · 30/09/2024 11:48

I’d be inclined to show his this thread.

@Trixiefirecracker this is terrible advice…. If the marriage goes tits up. She’s already exposed to him an outlet and method of support she gets. Don’t show him this thread. Stand up for yourself.

OVienna · 30/09/2024 12:22

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

@Butchyrestingface I wonder if this is even true. We really need to know how the DH engages with this woman.

OVienna · 30/09/2024 12:24

I'm not saying @soundsys is lying. Her DH could well be!

Psychologymam · 30/09/2024 12:25

It’s completely weird and tbh my husband wouldn’t go if someone was that rude - I wouldn’t either. Unless it’s a case where someone invites a group (teammates/work colleagues) etc you invite a plus one….. and a partner of years long is a blatant snub. Why would be want to attend on someone who treats his wife so badly?

Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2024 12:26

OVienna · 30/09/2024 12:22

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

@Butchyrestingface I wonder if this is even true. We really need to know how the DH engages with this woman.

Possible, he may not want his mistress to find out the wife is not in fact doing a 15-20 stretch at HMP Wherever. Grin

Projectme · 30/09/2024 12:28

agree with PP's. Something v odd here. I'm guessing your DH is painting you in a bad light to the bride if she's refused to socialise with you/invite you to the wedding. Question is, why would he do that?

When you asked him if he still intends on going to the wedding knowing how bride feels about you, what was his response?

BrokenSushiLook · 30/09/2024 12:29

It would be fine for a distant friend, but it's fucking weird for someone who is close enough a friend that they are asking him to be a witness and help with logistics.

It's true that it's their wedding and they can invite who they like but in your DHs shoes I would be declining the invite and letting them pick someone else because that level of exclusion of a life-partner is disrespectful of the person who is invited, telling them that their most important life choices are irrelevant and unimportant means they don't really know or like the "real" person and would rather their friend reinvented themselves as single/married to someone else.

Unless you've previously shagged the groom and are better-looking than the bride. Then it's ok.

AllAboutNiamh · 30/09/2024 12:29

I wouldn’t even have to ask my husband what he proposed to do as he would simply refuse to go if I wasn’t invited.

Hallamlass · 30/09/2024 12:30

Especially staying the night before, and helping like he's Matron of Honour or something.

Pluvia · 30/09/2024 12:30

I'd be really disappointed if my partner went along with this. We are both happy to socialise independently and I have friends my partner isn't that keen on spending time with and vice versa. But when a pattern of deliberate exclusion becomes clear neither of us would put up with it. In your shoes, OP, I'd state calmly and clearly that I felt the bride's behaviour was disrespectful and designed to hurt my feelings, and I'd ask him to refuse to go.

No idea what's going on — jealousy, dislike, inferiority complex — but your DH has certainly enabled her to think it's okay to exclude you and it's time to put that right.

SchrodingersParrot · 30/09/2024 12:31

lololulu · 30/09/2024 09:06

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you.

Or he's lied and made you out to be awful.

That was my first thought too!

Bestyearever2024 · 30/09/2024 12:35

Husband should not go and should make it clear to bride that he doesn't appreciate her treating you this way

Anything else is utterly disrespectful of you

deliwoman1 · 30/09/2024 12:39
I Dont Know Her Mariah Carey GIF

@soundsys A few scenarios. She either doesn't like you, or she's indifferent, or she's the kind of person who has a very full social circle and just doesn't care to get to know friends' spouses or partners intimately enough to include them in the important events of her life. The latter isn't personal.

She doesn't have to invite you to her wedding if she doesn't like you, or know you personally. Particularly because she hasn't been two-faced about anything and has declined your past invitations. It seems she's never given you the express impression that she does like you, or that she wants to get to know you.

That's all fine in my opinion. Each to their own. Though I can see why you might be confused or hurt by it. Her response to your DH was a little curt perhaps, but she's not wrong! She's not obligated to spend money on people she doesn't like or know, especially if she's had a mare curtailing guests for her wedding.

I'd be asking my DH why he thinks she's been so disinclined to get to know you. Have you not wondered and had that conversation before now?

I would caution against assuming he's turned her against you intentionally or otherwise, or that she's jealous of you in anyway. She's marrying someone else, so I'd say it's unlikely she's been desperately in love with your husband this whole time! But it is possible she feels she's friends with him only and doesn't need to include you. He's obviously been okay with that, up until this point. And it seems like you're not? So there's something I'd be talking to him about.

In some ways, it's his right to maintain his own friendships. Not every couple needs all their friends to be mutuals. My DP has mates I have nothing to do with and I wouldn't be surprised if i wasn't invited to their weddings or whatever. As that great shade artist Mariah Carey once said, 'I don't know her.'😂

EI12 · 30/09/2024 12:41

He should not be a witness and neither of you should go. Please send them a book of Modern manners by Debrett's. Preferably, second-hand, as a wedding gift.

Fleetbug · 30/09/2024 12:42

Hi OP. Who has been telling you all the info about this woman?
Tell your DH you are going to resolve this situation by having a polite conversation with her. You want to explain your POV and find out from her directly what the problem is. Ask for her number.
His response to this will tell you a lot.
Nothing you “know” about this is your direct first hand experience.
For example, invites to attend your hosted events which she declines…who does the inviting? How do you hear about this refusal? Does she send you a text? Send DH a text which he then shows you? Do you hear anything directly from her at all?
Or is all the comms from her just word of mouth… through your DH? I think you can guess where I’m going with this…
For whatever reason, everything you know about this person is second hand. It’s all info provided by your DH as far as I can tell.
How on earth can you make any judgement about this person when you’ve not exchanged face to face convos? It’s not your reality is it- it’s just what you have been told.

Speak to her directly and tell her your concerns.

RedEdit · 30/09/2024 12:42

Weird but sounds like you have a DP problem not a bride 2 be problem.

Her not inviting you to the wedding? Fine, she can invite who she wants.

Him having a significant part in the wedding and being happy to go without you. Big time disrespectful.

What is he going to say when people ask where his wife is? He's either inconsiderate and thoughtless or has been badmouthing you as his nightmare wife for years so this behaviour seems ok to bride-to-be and her circle.

WimpoleHat · 30/09/2024 12:44

I think there’s a generic problem that people getting married lose perspective about weddings; it’s all about “my day” and there’s not enough attention paid to the needs/convenience of the guests. It’s easy to lose track of the fact that an invitation to your wedding is not some phenomenal honour and the event of the year, but something which might be a bit of an inconvenience for others! My wedding was a really important day for me, but I could fully accept it was less special for everyone else! And that’s why it’s rude to expect people to come alone without spouses, or make unbelievably convoluted arrangements to come without children. You’re asking people to give up their time (which for most people is precious) and spend money on getting to your special event. And if that involves a long journey/a hotel room or whatever then of course it’s much nicer for them to be able to come as a couple/family and make a weekend of it if they want to. Fair enough if it’s “all my mates from football/yoga/French evening class are invited for a drink in the evening”. But a big event, where her DH is a witness and will be staying overnight? Unconscionably rude to exclude his wife. And, yes, pretty shabby of the DH to go along with it….

shieldmaiden7 · 30/09/2024 12:47

If you were a new couple then I'd get it but that's just plain old rude.

I'm surprised your husband can be friends with someone who clearly dislikes he's wife

Silvers11 · 30/09/2024 12:48

@soundsys Have you seen the invitation? Is it definitely only for him? And all the times you asked her, to events you were putting on as a couple did you ever see the refusals or were they always verbal?

Is it possible your DH fancied her, they had an affair (even an emotional one only) and he's told her you couldn't go to something while telling you that you weren't invited? Just a thought.....

Lackinginspecialskills · 30/09/2024 12:48

This idea posters are developing of your DH being the main manipulator in this story seems highly plausible to me. You have no idea what he has been saying over the years about you. If you have no contact with this woman, how do you know you’re really never invited? He may well have given the impression you don’t like to go out or not passed on your invitations in the past. If there has really been little contact and no incident then her dislike of you makes no reasonable sense.

Seems to me for some reason it suits your DH to keep the 2 of you (or certain of his friends) separate. The fact you’ve let this slide for so long is unfortunate but on his side, seems like a conscious effort. Not cool.

OP - don’t be distracted by the bride’s seeming bad manners or “problem” with you - weddings often create bad feeling, your issue here is your DH’s response to it and the way he is framing the whole thing. I’d be doing some phone/email snooping if it was me.

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2024 12:49

soundsys · 30/09/2024 09:04

Approx 100 guests. If it was just them and a witness each I'd understand that!

Show quote history

That is very different from what was expecting. He's invited as a 'witness' normally means like 2 guests at a registry office, not 100! How odd.

Skipsurvey · 30/09/2024 12:49

reaaly rude

Thelittlehouseonthehill · 30/09/2024 12:52

Ah well OP.
Now you know where you stand-he puts her and her feelings before you.
He’s a twat. So disrespectful.
Now you can decide whether he’s worth investing any more years into.

Buildingthefuture · 30/09/2024 12:52

No idea what her problem might be but there is no way my dh would attend a wedding under those circumstances. He wouldn’t even consider it or discuss it with me, he would just decline. This is a dh issue. He needs to fess up what’s gone on or what’s been said…..

BlackStrayCat · 30/09/2024 12:53

The more I consider it, the more triangulation is clearly the main factor here.

Sadly, I dod not think it is the brides fault. But she will get the blame.