Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

This. It’s a lucky escape op. You can and will do better.

Don’t send him money! He still has all the food and you have none of the food. He sounds awful. Bin him.

You appear to be missing the fact that he's a scrounging man who has little respect for you, doesn't communicate and expects you to do what he wants

He accused you of cheating. I think that's reason enough.

He doesn’t value YOUR time. He assumed you’re going to be grateful for any time he makes avails and run at short notice like you are picking up breadcrumbs in a forest. He assumes you WILL be available. Very arrogant. He is cheap - not generous. Please don’t have babies with this man. Do you honestly see him being an equal partner in this relationship?
Give him £10 - half of what he spent and tell him not to contact you again. Have some self-esteem.

Would you want to be married to a man like that?

Do you want to be accused of cheating if things don't go his way? Maybe once you have children he will tell them how terrible you are.

Do you want to be with someone who puts no effort into meeting you halfway, ignores what you say and goes ahead and purchases things despite you firmly stating your boundaries and then harasses you and accuses you?

I promise it is better to be single than with someone like this.

His behaviour is filled with red flags and people who act like this usually turn out to be much more abusive once they have you trapped into marriage and motherhood.

Another vote for dumping him.

He ignored what you'd said about plans (although I would have confirmed with him on the day). Bought food you didn't ask him to buy.

He accused you of lying and cheating.

Then he blocked you.

He's not a great guy and I promise you OP if you stay with him this behaviour will only get worse. He's controlling and gaslighting.

You say you want a family etc but that doesn't mean you should settle for someone who isn't right for you and will likely be a shit partner and father.

You are scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. He might be worried about his employment situation but that's no excuse to sponge off you, be selfish with meet ups and then react like this when you suggest meeting closer to yours. He also didn't confirm the arrangement but just assumed he could decide last minute where and what you'd do together and you'd fall in line. Seriously, stay away from him, he's bad news.

Because this isn't actually about money (although even if it were, it's quite offputting that he's asking you for all/50 percent of 20 pounds for some pizza that could be eaten tomorrow, but the way he's acting is like he'd bought concert tickets and you ditched those plans for a work event). More concerning is everything he's done/said to you sounds like someone that has form for being quite manipulative or controlling in order to get his own way. You've done absolutely nothing wrong today but he's trying to guilt you and accusing you out of the blue. I think it'll probably get worse as time goes on and you've seen his true colours tonight.

If you really can't see it, you shouldn't be looking for a relationship. Men like him will walk all over you and expect you to thank them for it.

Why? Because he's mean, rude and controlling?? You've been with him a matter of weeks, you shouldn't be calling him a 'DP' and you shouldn't be allowing him to talk to you this way.

The issue has fuck all to do with him being unemployed. He's leeching off his girlfriend. And why should she answer the phone at a work event?

Block and dump because if this is how he treats you now, married with children will be much worse.
What he has done is unbalanced, unfair and he doesn't see what you bring, only what he brings.
He's also accusing you of something you didn't do. This will be your life.

30 is not old, and not the reason to stay. Muster some self respect, there is someone much better out there.
(He won't change, don't bother trying. You'll only waste more time.)

OP, I think being 30 and your west african heritage, you are probably feeling the pressure of 'Have you got someone?' 'When are you getting married?' etc.

Your person will come.

This disrespectful, insecure, horrible, heavily-red-flagged individual IS NOT your person.

There are times in life when we look back, we see how certain decisions took us down a path in life. For you, this will be that time.
It doesn't look like this will be a path to happiness, fulfillment, content, support, sharing, kindness, love, consistency, reliability etc that having a partner is supposed to be.

He has blocked you, be thankful.
Leave him be.
Don't chase him.
Do not contact him again.
Do not speak to him again. Ever.

You are 30. You are still young. You will meet your person. Strength your boundaries. Value yourself.

I’m with the ‘dump him train’ of thought. I think the red flags are that he is: controlling, unkind, unpleasant and shows coercive behaviour to name a few. And this is just from these few posts.

Don’t settle for mutton when you can have prime.

"I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number."
This is also about control. He will unblock you, he's punishing you, and knows that this will hurt you, and that you'll desperately be trying to get hold of him.
Please stop, invest your time in pursuing a new relationship. This is not a good man. Controlling and manipulative.

Pay him back, then block him and move on.

Yes. You are missing normal expectations in a relationships like respect. You feed him, fine. Atleast he should be gracious and appreciate it. When you say no to come over he goes and buy stuff because he does NOT respect you. Your no means nothing to him. And he wants you to reimburse him on top of it!! He can eat the pizza, put some in the fridge and eat it tmw as well. Why should you pay?? And he can't support you having a life outside of him because then you are cheating. Run for the hills !!! You can not be this desperate surely! There are decent men out there OP, he's not one.

Idk why so many people are telling you to pay him back. You really shouldn’t. He was told you had no intention of going over to his. Besides you’ve paid for food for him and he’s going to eat the food. Just no.

No you do not need to. Is he going to use the food? If he eats the food he didn’t throw his money away. But still you both have some communication issues. You are not his mommy. Sounds like he is a little immature.

I'd send him an 'invoice' with the £20 minus all the things you've bought him and end up with some ridiculous figure like £1.33 and ask him for his bank details.

Then bin him off.

Dump him of course. Aim higher

Can I ask if he would normally have bought food like this if he knew you were coming? It certainly sounds orchestrated as he KNEW the plans and this is his way of making you feel guilty for the (non) miscommunication. Seriously OP, he's a manipulative bully, find someone worthy of being of being your life partner and father to your potential children or you're in for a lifetime of frustration, resentment, hurt and anger. He has manipulated the situation. It won't get better.

You told him you weren't going over. He acknowledged that. Then he bought food for your non- visit which he expects you to pay for? He is a manipulative bully.

You make all the effort tin the relationship and always go to him. He gets when he's the one that has to make an effort.

He accuses you of cheating and lying

Things don't go his way he blocks you. That's immature and manipulative.

I think paying £20 is a cheap price to pay for this. You don't have to pay it but I would and then move on. I'm not all LTB however this is only two months in when everyone is suppose to make effort and show their best. I can't imagine what he will be down the line.

If it was a genuine misunderstanding he would talk about it and not have a tantrum and accuse you of cheating and demanding anything. He was purposefully ignoring your request of not going to his and got upset that you dared to make other plans.