Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

Luckily for you it sounds like he's dumped you, but please please please do a lot of reading on healthy relationships and red flags before dating anybody else.

Yes this. I know it feels like everyone is moving forward and you feel stuck but you are still young and you will meet someone else. Don't let this feeling rush you into something that isn't right for you. Even if he is stressed about money the accusations are unacceptable. He is showing you who he is: someone who will upset you and accuse you of terrible things, he's paranoid and trying to control you. Move on. He's not someone who will make you happy.

I think this might be the first 100% AIBU I have ever seen!

Seriously?

If you don't see it then you've got problems

Don't stay with him just because you don't want to be single. You could miss out on the right person.
if he's accusing you of cheating it's not a great start, irrespective of the money thing. There are jobs everywhere if you are willing to take one rather than be unemployed. You would regret having children with this man.

run for the hills

Don't pay him. His reasoning is 100% flawed. A man who tries to gaslight and guilt trip you, then accuses you of cheating, TWO MONTJS INTO a new relationship is not a man you want to hitch your wagon to. Be glad he's shown you his true colours now and not when you're saddled with his children.

Consider his blocking the end of your relationship and work on your self worth.

Yes!

Dump him and run for the hills. This guy sounds like a little man baby and a walking red flag. Don't pay him back either.

This. Presumably he ate his half.
Block. He sounds vile.

He is manipulative. He knows you are naive and want serious relationship- so he is using this to get what he wants - sex on a tap when it's convenient for him.
You are young - aim higher - you deserve better than this.

A couple of months into a relationship, a good healthy relationship with a man who values you, you should be feeling treasured. Special. Worth a lot of effort, if he is a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘partner’.

This man makes you do all the running. He doesn’t travel to see you. He doesn’t get off his arse. He accepts money and food. You told him no, you wanted to meet in town. He then gaslights you and threatens you, and accuses you of shit.

If he behaves like this after only a couple of months he will get worse.

All your friends, getting married… ask them if their partners behaved like this in the first couple of months of the relationship … or ever.

They will say no.

He is NOT great, op. He has accused you of lying and cheating. He sounds like a spectacular arsehole, and this is the 'honeymoon period.'

I don't care about the stress of his employment status. People cope with that and worse, and don't act like this.

He's horrible. Run a mile, then run another one.

His first reaction when you told him you weren't coming was to accuse you of cheating. That is a HUGE red flag that you ignore at your own peril. He does not consider you an equal in this relationship, and he expects you to do the majority of the work in keeping it going, such as always traveling to his.

He's not a keeper. Please don't be so desperate to have a man, any man, that you're willing to put up with his shit.

No man has ever accused me of cheating or hounded me for £20 and I dated quite a few frogs before I found Mr Cream. He is abusing you and you should be in the honeymoon stage with each showing your best face and having fun. I just can't understand why you would continue this. I'd pay him the £20 and consider it cheap at the price to get rid of the weirdo. I'd be blocking his number right after.

Tally up what you've spent to help him out, send him a screenshot, and tell him you'll generously deduct the 20 from - playing by the rules of his childish, insulting tantrum - what he owes you if he promises to never bother you again.

You do not owe him.

nothing was confirmed. He showed up and made a decision to purchase food. Did he do this with the expectation you would go halves had you eaten together? If so, that is crazy.

if he didn’t, but asking now then he is vindictive, and also jealous and triggering you to think you’re wrong.

this may be the wake up call he needs to find new employment and stop whining like a baby.

My take is that he heard you say no, thought well I’ll buy the stuff and when she finds out the plan I’ll guilt her into coming over here as she knows I’ve spent money. Then when you didn’t contact him he riled himself up.

think about what your boundaries mean to you op and if this is the kind of relationship you want.

Do any of you that post this stuff honestly not just take a breath, pause, read back and think, "Fuck that'?! Because you should!

Really? That's really sad (being genuine, not rude). It's a new relationship but he's already accusing you of lying and cheating, sends you a demanding screenshot that you pay him back for pizza (especially after you've been paying for food etc!) and can't seem to commit to a simple plan or make the effort to come to you.

is this honestly a man you want to invest time in - especially if this is how he behaves at the start of the relationship when everyone is on best behaviour?!

The accusations of cheating is a huge red flag for controlling behaviour. Then there’s the lack of effort on his part to meet you half way, and his angry, accusatory overreaction when there’s been a miscommunication.

He’s insecure, has a controlling side and can’t take responsibility for his own part when things go wrong. If he’s like this a few months in, how will he be in a year or two once he’s comfortable?? When things get tough? When there are babies in the mix?

I get how you feel but don’t let your longing for a family set up see you attached for life to a man like this. You deserve a better partner and you will find him.

No savings and he's quibbling over £20?

Run away fast!

Everyone is saying to bin him because you keep listing dumping offences.

No way would I put up with a man this petty, childish, and jealous.

Eurgh. Meanness and a lack of effort on his part is such a turn off. He should be keen and excited to see you and make things work. He isn’t.
Read the red flags you are getting from us. He isn’t going to change.

He's angry, tight, doesn't listen, ignores what you say, accuses you of lying and cheating, I mean yeah, sounds like a catch, I can see why you wouldn't want to dump him and would want kids with this sheer delight of a man.

I disagree with sending him any money. He'll just be back for more