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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
sundayagainagain · 30/09/2024 10:08

Well he is not your boyfriend if he has blocked you is he, so why even ask if you should pay him back?

Wheresthebeach · 30/09/2024 10:09

If you can't see how abusive this is, and how awful his behaviour is, then I suggest counselling. Fast before you tie yourself to some nasty bastard.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 30/09/2024 10:10

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Because he keeps accusing of cheating. That is not normal behaviour unless he is 14.

I can't believe that you would continue seeing him, I just assumed that you had dumped him already.

Abhannmor · 30/09/2024 10:10

He sounds immature , petulant, selfish and stingy.

CleanShirt · 30/09/2024 10:12

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Yes, you're missing the fact you're in an unhealthy relationship with a nasty dickhead. The hills are that way >>>>>>

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 30/09/2024 10:12

Why are you in a relationship with him? End it, as this is only going to get worse!

YellowphantGrey · 30/09/2024 10:13

Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share

I've been over to his flat many times. I wanted him to make the effort this time and come over to me

If he's got no money then he probably can't afford to go out and you seem to be annoyed that your going over to him all the time, yet he can't come to your flat.

He shouldn't have spent the money on food for you without knowing what you were doing however, I'm assuming he will eat the food he bought? So no, don't pay him back.

I'd dump him purely for the accusation of cheating. He doesn't trust you.

TwistedWonder · 30/09/2024 10:14

And do not under any circumstances give him £20

However I suspect you’ll ignore the pretty much unanimous opinions on this thread and continue bank rolling this sorry excuse of a man whilst allowing him to treat you like shit because you think it’s better than being single - big clue being single is far far far far far better than being with a tight gaslighting immature petulant wanker.

twoshedsjackson · 30/09/2024 10:17

Consider the £20 a pretty reasonable disposal charge for freeing yourself from this unpleasant encumbrance.

Tae1 · 30/09/2024 10:18

OP, perhaps the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a good idea to help you build boundaries and protect yourself from twats like him.

His accusations of cheating and his nastiness should be more than enough to dump him.

He has blocked you?
Good.
Let him off.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

NewFriendlyLadybird · 30/09/2024 10:18

VestPantsandSocks · 29/09/2024 22:21

Pay him.
Then block him. Forever.

^^ This.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/09/2024 10:19

I would pay him then block him. It's ended then and he can't say anything bad about you or come knocking on yoyr door, it draws a very firm line.

Olika · 30/09/2024 10:21

I think your desperation to meet someone and have family means you cannot see what the rest of us can. The way he has acted and now even blocked you shows you he isn't the man to be with. He isn't man to build life with. He isn't the man to have a child with.

Mostlyoblivious · 30/09/2024 10:24
  • He is controlling
  • He doesn’t respect your boundaries or needs
  • He is petty
  • He is, at the very least, financially mean
  • He has attempted to manipulate you about the food and the facts of a situation (see point number one.)
  • He is emotionally volatile
  • He can’t communicate healthily

You cannot change him or ‘save’ him and please don’t settle for him, for this.

FeedingThem · 30/09/2024 10:33

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:26

Why?

Show quote history

Seriously????

FeedingThem · 30/09/2024 10:37

Mostlyoblivious · 30/09/2024 10:24

  • He is controlling
  • He doesn’t respect your boundaries or needs
  • He is petty
  • He is, at the very least, financially mean
  • He has attempted to manipulate you about the food and the facts of a situation (see point number one.)
  • He is emotionally volatile
  • He can’t communicate healthily

You cannot change him or ‘save’ him and please don’t settle for him, for this.

This!!!!!!!

He accused you of cheating because he you didn't answer your phone. He tried to gaslight you over arrangements and then expected you to pay for a pizza and bits that he clearly could eat my himself. And that's aside from you financially propping him up and him showing no appreciation for it

Cem82 · 30/09/2024 10:40

If you are in your 30’s and long for a family don’t waste time on men that act like children and have tantrums when things don’t go their way. He doesn’t sound like he is ready to be part of a family, financially or emotionally!

I have dated a man like this and they don’t change - he is moping in his house all the time and having tantrums because life didn’t go to plan. Do not have a family with this man. Do not waste your fertile years waiting for this man to grow up and be ready!

Ask yourself if you have kids and go on maternity leave is he going to be financially able to look after you and willing to pay for most things when you are on a reduced income, is he going to be emotionally able to look after you if you are struggling after a difficult birth or C-section, will he be okay if you give most of you attention to the child? Will he be able to cook and do housework when you are feeding your newborn? What if you can’t sleep with him because you are tired or recovering from child birth? If you look through mumsnet there are countless stories of men who leave after having kids or expect their wives to do everything while they go off and have affairs. Don’t have kids with someone who is emotionally immature, kids are really hard work!

Some massive red flags to me would be the lack of communication followed by making decisions without asking you, a tantrum and accusations- this to me sounds like someone who lashes out when they don’t get their own way. Expecting you to pay for food you didn’t ask for says he is a leech who wanted you to come over and buy him dinner, getting a free pizza seemed to be high on his list of priorities (bet he ate the pizza). Always having to hang out in his house shows a lack of ambition, I lost my job so I will just never leave the house! He sounds like a spoilt boy who has a lot of growing up to do!

Socktopusses · 30/09/2024 10:40

🚩red flags galore!

He accused you of cheating... He accused you of lying... He ignored the plans you'd actually made and then tried to guilt trip you into doing what he wanted all along by playing mind games...

End this now before you get too embroiled and you can't get out.

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/09/2024 10:45

Whatever123456789 · 29/09/2024 22:22

I'd give him the 20 quid and say goodbye. He sounds pathetic

Yup!
"Sorry for any misunderstanding about the date night.
I will send you £20 as this is clearly important to you.
Overall though we are not compatible, so I'm ending the relationship now.
Please note that I do not want to keep in any sort of contact.
Wishing you well for the future".

sundayagainagain · 30/09/2024 10:50

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/09/2024 10:45

Yup!
"Sorry for any misunderstanding about the date night.
I will send you £20 as this is clearly important to you.
Overall though we are not compatible, so I'm ending the relationship now.
Please note that I do not want to keep in any sort of contact.
Wishing you well for the future".

Show quote history

He has already blocked her though!?

CautiousLurker · 30/09/2024 10:51

As others have said… this guy should now be your exBF and no, you are under no obligation to repay him for food/a meal you didn’t agree you were having with him. It’s not like he won’t eat that food, just over two nights rather than by sharing it with you.

Block and move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and, frankly, even if there isn’t a shoal passing iminently you’d be better off bobbing alone on a life raft than being manipulated by this guy.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 30/09/2024 10:56

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

You may be missing the fact that your bf became extremely unpleasant and unreasonable the first time you said what you wanted from the relationship, ie to have an evening with him not in his flat. He said 'OK' to meeting up near your place then pretended you had an arrangement to go to his. Then he asked you to pay for food which he could perfectly well have eaten himself over the next two evenings, even though you never said you were coming. And he accused you of lying and cheating with no evidence at all. This is a horrible way to be treated and there's no reason to think that his behaviour will improve. Of course many of us want very much to be in a relationship and have to compromise in some areas, but this is too much.

Button28384738 · 30/09/2024 10:58

No of course not, don't pay him back and don't see him again!

Cheesetoastiees · 30/09/2024 11:00

Reading your updates, you’d be incredibly stupid to plan to marry and have kids with this guy just because your friends are getting married ect.

He accused you of cheating and tried to make you pay for food because he didn’t get his way. Not exactly material for a happy blissful marriage with children.
It is however material for a cheating controlling man who will ruin yours and potential children’s lives.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2024 11:02

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Urm - read what you wrote - this is why people are saying dump him. It's worrying that you have to ask to be honest!!!

He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was

He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone