Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

Why give him money for not listening and then not communicating. OP needs that £20 to get herself a nice treat now as she moves on.

This.

I hope you're joking...
You've been helping him out and he wants you to pay for the food he decided to buy for you after you told him you wouldn't be going??? And he couldn't make the efforts to come your way, it's just YOU who makes the effort apparently

And worse, he gets angry and accuses you of lying and cheating, when you're supposed in the honeymoon phase in the relationship?
Open your eyes, this will get much worse!
Pay him or not, but please DO run for the his!

Don't pay him. For what? For buying food you didn't ask for and didn't eat? For calling you at work (where you earn money)? As a reward for accusing you? You're not his personal welfare state. Why are people saying to pay him? Are you all in with him and going to get £3 each for a fancy coffee?

Pay him back so he has no need to contact you again and dump him , huge red flags.

He ignored your 'no'.

That's what you're missing.

You said no, he went ahead anyway and is now having a massive strop and punishing you because you wouldn't simply.

Having the temerity to charge you for the plan you didn't agree to is the icing on the cake. But even without that he should be gone from.yoir life.

Never stay with a man who ignores your 'no'. He's not a good man. He's not a safe man. Get rid.

But why should she answer when at work (a work event is work)? If she were a surgeon you wouldn’t expect her to interrupt her work. Why should any other job be different?

Extremely wealthy? Really? Have you done a survey?

I think it’s far more likely that out of the thousands of subscribers the majority have pretty average incomes and that includes people like me who have experience of unemployment and poverty. Currently our income is well below average and due to DH’s health issues, which is unlikely to improve any time soon.

Also, re: the phone calls. If you’re at work/a work event, why would anyone answer their phone to their boyfriend? That would be weird.

Not sure why the quote didn't attach to the above. It was a reply to this.

All of this.

I'd send him a message saying that because the last communication you had between each other was that HE was going to either meet you halfway between yours and his or he was going to come to yours and then you heard nothing back following that, until he demanded money for food you neither ordered nor wanted, along with the insinuation that you were cheating on him because you didn't immediately answer your phone, you're no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with him and you wish him well but he isn't to contact you again.

As he's blocked your number, he clearly doesn't like being told no - so I'd use this time to box up any of his belongings that he may have left at your place so you can hand it to him at the door (should he turn up) and don't let him in.

Yes, I can understand how it can be upsetting to hear how your colleagues are settling down and starting families but your time will come but you need to learn to love yourself first (so the red flags that were waving in relation to this bloke) stand out clearer to you and you can find your diamond and not have to settle for a piece of coal!

He has shown you who he is under pressure. You do not want to be with someone who behaves like this under pressure. You do not want to have children and parent with someone who behaves like this under pressure. Being married or in a LTR and having children has ups and downs, how they behave in the downs is critical to the success of a partnership. He has shown you that behaviour and you need to pay attention. Don't be having children with someone who behaves like this. They are not husband or father material

Have you heard about the Freedom Programme? It would be worth your while doing it to ensure that any future relationships you have are healthy.

Mumsnet advice can be pretty harsh sometimes but seems much needed here. He has shown you who he is. You need to get out while you can.

Don’t tie yourself to a manipulative loser just because you desperately want a family. You’re only 30 so you’ve got several years to find a decent bloke who treats you kindly and fairly and doesn’t try to manipulate the narrative.

Read some of the threads on here from women who overlooked their partners shortcomings because they also wanted a family and assumed they magically improve and now they’re stuck with someone who isn’t kind, treats them badly, cheats or wants 50/50 access to the children to save having to pay maintenance.

I met DH in my late 30’s and had children in my early 40’s. Don’t settle for a rubbish man at this stage. You’ll have a lifetime of regrets.

His reaction to this situation is very concerning. Ignoring your clear "no" to coming over to his, not communicating/compromising with you, accusing you of lying and cheating (WTF!! ), getting aggressive on the phone, then demanding money for something that you hadn't agreed to! These are all massive red flags. I suspect over time he will become he will become more demanding, controlling, aggressive and abusive. Sack him off OP, keep yourself safe and happy.

Op, the fact you are 30 does not mean you need to be with a manipulative manchild that accuses you of cheating and blocks your number because you didn't do what he wanted you to.

Is that honestly the future you want? Someone this nasty and petty when he's stressed? That doesn't listen to you? It won't get better, only worse as he gets more comfortable. End it, chalk it up to a bad experience, and look for someone new. This guy isn't going to give you a happy life.

By blocking you he has saved you from yourself! I bet he will unblock you in time, this is just his way of punishing and manipulating you, but please don't respond and move on.

OP, magine being unavailable for a relationship when a kind, decent man comes into your life, because you grabbed on to this piece of shit out of sheer desperation to have a man, any man.

Dump him. Block him.
This is his true personality.
Why is he not working in a bar/restaurant/shop if he’s short of money.

You are missing something!
He accused you of cheating.
He ignored what you said about not coming over.
He demanded you pay for the food and bits he bought ( all of it not even half)
that is not a sign of a happy long term future relationship.
get out now while you can! You won’t find mr right when you stay with mr wrong!
He is sending out red flags.

OP. Please don’t settle. He sounds controlling and quite the arsehole to be honest.
He has blocked you. That’s pathetic. Find a man who is mature and has a job, one that doesn’t take his issues out on you.

Oh OP, chuck him back.

Let me tell you why.

You will still feel left out . You won't have what your friends and colleagues have, (no matter how much bad behaviour you ignore, excuse, rationalise etc.) because they probably aren't in relationships like this.

You weren't going to his place this time. He ignored that and confident he'd get his own way, bought the food.

This man doesn't hear it when you say no. That's all you need to know about him.

Well you clearly know it’s shitty behaviour or you wouldn’t be complaining about him on the internet.

Ah OP please don’t be so desperate for a family that you settle for this guy. Your life will be miserable with him. 30 is a tough time for your biological clock but you’ve got plenty of time.

My friend was well into her 30s when she ended a live-in relationship because it wasn’t right and she said the decision was really tough because she wanted kids and was worried she wouldn’t meet anyone else. She was married with 3 DDs before she was 40!

Longing for a family is understandable. Wasting precious time finding a decent man because you’re stuck with this sad act is not.

But OP had come on here to ask about the minor question of should she pay him back whilst completely missing the bigger picture that her boyfriend needs dumping.