Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

This.

Get your own place ASAP and move on.

And she would have had the protection of a contract. She can't just be turfed out if they split up

Both of you have been reasonable and unreasonable at different points. He’s just as reasonable to not want to marry as you are to want to - he hasn’t strung you along as you knew what the situation was. Perhaps you thought time would change his mind, but not taking him at his word is on you. I don’t understand why you chose to move in and pay his mortgage. He’s unreasonable to want you to pay off the mortgage for a house that isn’t yours in the event of his death.

You’re incompatible, simply.

From his perspective, he has been hurt once. He doesn't want to go through it a second time.

Best to part and go your separate ways.

If you're not that in love and not that dedicated to eachother.... totally fine, but then why cohabitate?

Or even if they are, if its not what they want to make it fair, why move partner in?

The happiest relationships I know are 2 couples who don't live together but see each other a lot and stay over eachithers etc. They seem to have it perfect.

I feel exactly the same way. No way will anybody be getting their hands on my child’s inheritance. If anybody did move in they would also be expected to pay, why anyone thinks they should live rent free because their name is not on the mortgage is ridiculous!

This!! Be prepared for him to come crawling when he realises what this means for his finances… don’t believe any promises!

If he made it absolutely clear marriage isn’t something he wanted, you should have taken him at his word if it was so important to you. I suppose you will have hoped he’d change his mind but there are no guarantees and you both wanted different things, so you should have left it there and kept moving

That's the crutch isn't it. Doesn't love or trust enough to do things fairly.

Therefore. Why move in, in the 1st place?

Buy your own place in your name and put it in trust to the kids. Then even if you do get married again, the asset you have worked for goes to your kids and not immediately to your dh/ dw.

If you buy somewhere 50/50 then again- your half plus appreciation in trust to your kids. Don't have anyone who inherits as executor.

You could have your name on the house with % ownership plus appreciation. From when you moved in, but he sounds awful so move you and your kids out of his home pdq where he treats you all like shit. Imo

I agree. Threads like this remind me that if something happens to DH, I will be going it alone and not getting involved with anyone else. Too risky.

OP get out now. Get on with your future, think of those DC.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he was just using you to make his life a little easier! You were contributing to his mortgage and upon his death it was all ring fenced for his children, including the money you put in! You contributing financially meant that he could contribute less and you were also doing the housework so that was one less thing for him to worry about. The fact that he was so unkind when you said you were leaving says it all unfortunately. If he loved you or cared about you then he would have tried to get you to change your mind about leaving by offering a compromise. You are doing the right thing by leaving. Get yourself your own place so that you have stability and something to leave to your children. I’ve read your posts and have respect for you; you come across as a very strong person! Onwards and upwards! 🌺

I agree with others, you’re not compatible op, I know it’s easy for us to say but prioritise yourself. Even if you stay the resentment will slowly poison how you felt about him and erode your self esteem.

Op I would look into your legal position. Does your contribution count as paying for the mortgage (in which case you have a claim on the equity) or does it count as rent (in which case do you have a de facto tenancy in place) if the former use it as leverage to keep him sweet while you get out. If the latter then use it in case he tries to throw you out.

My concern is that he is turning suddenly and he may just try to change the locks. If you are a tenant legally then he has to give you notice to leave, 3 months I believe.

I don't know if there is a third option where you fall into neither of these categories and he can throw you out with no notice. Are there any legal experts on here who could help??

OP, this is putting it starkly, but as an outsider, I kinda agree with it.

Put yourself and your dcs first. Do not accept crumbs from the table. You deserve much better than this dick.

Well, isn’t he a delight! It just gets worse and worse. Wants to make life difficult for you and the kids til you move out-all innocent of anything bar shoring up his finances for 3 years. And thought you’d merrily continue paying his mortgage should he die and his dc would kindly allow you to continue living there? I don’t think so!

I hope you’re able to get out asap, OP.

You have had an inadvertent lucky escape! Imagine if you'd married him and found out this nasty side to him afterwards.

As you have contributed to his mortgage you may in fact be regarded as having an interest in his house. Might be worth a legal consultation to find out your position in this regard. If nothing else you could use it to persuade him that it is not in his best interests to provoke you or subject you to unwarranted nastiness just because you're leaving him or it might end up costing him a few quid. Good luck moving on from this horrible man.

I can’t get over that you’re doing all the cleaning and still paying rent
unbelievable!

omg, move out of this situation asap. I am impressed and I salute you OP in sticking to your guns. What a disgusting human this man is. Just think of all the women we read about every day who would accept this crap or justify it in some way. Be proud of yourself OP for sticking to your guns.

Regardless of who is to blame you have incompatible ideas which cannot be compromised on.

The ultimatum must not be a hollow threat, so finding a new place soon is what you should do.

God forbid anything happens to my other half... I'd be happy with just my whippets and cat.

I couldn't imagine putting myself in this position in1st place, however myself and my partner have always made things as fair as possible for us Both.

It makes me sad others don't do that. I even consider what would happen if I die, to make sure my partner gets house and even pension. As I love them and want them to be ok if anything were to happen to me.

If it wasn't reciprocated, I wouldn't put myself in the position.

Especially with kids to think about too. If anything were to happen, there's a lot to think of what leaving for children too.

His children coming top trumps in inheritance so far...

What. Happens if op needs care in older age too and has no assets for nice care home?

Partner gets top care whilst op can get minimum state care.

Lots to consider op.

You dodged a right bullet there OP. Try to find an airb&b and get the hell out of there with your children.

It doesn't work, sweetheart, you can see for yourself that is a waste of time

Leave the guy! No benefit to stay with him. It does not sound like he treats you well at all or your kids. Put yourself and kids first and get out of there.