Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

But he’s happy for her to keep contributing to the mortgage , with no security for herself - what a selfish man!

Wow men like him infuriate me. He wants all the benefits of wife (housework, I assume cooking, contributing to the bills), but you get nothing in return. He's shown his true colours. You are lucky you didn't marry this nasty manipulative man.

Just be really careful OP, he sounds vindictive enough to change the locks whilst you are out.

I'd have a bag of all your valuables ready to go just in case so he doesn't leave you high and dry.

How old are your children?

Unrelated to everything else because he generally sounds unpleasant, but as someone who works in estate planning, though not in the uk, it’s extremely common for an arrangement where your parent’s partner is allowed to live in the house (and it’s your inheritance) after your parent dies, but they have to pay the fees associated with that. Otherwise the kids end up stuck with the responsibility, sometimes to their detriment, and no benefit while the partner ends up with all of the benefit with no risks or incentive to leave. Expecting them to pay means they aren’t immediately made homeless but they also have a reason to get their situation sorted sooner rather than later, especially when it’s a property that’s expensive to maintain.

Curious how long you've been working from home and how old his children are, OP? Are they school aged?

Does that mean on top of doing all the housework, you've also conveniently been there for pick ups and drop offs and have as such been facilitating his working hours?

Good point. I'd try really hard to get somewhere new, even if it's short term, as soon as you can. And I'd remove anything valuable or hard to replace from the house (think passports etc) when you go out today, even if you lock them in your car or take them to a friend's house for now.

I hope you find your house soon and get out of this relationship. It has run its course. Thank goodness you had no child with him.

Your future awaits!

I voted YABU simply because you should never have moved in under those terms. Now you have paid 3 years towards his mortgage and wasted 3 years of your children's life. Well done for finally seeing sense, i hope you find somewhere to go very soon and your future is happy and contented.

He’s punishing you because you are no longer playing ball.

Sell the house once you are gone…..ahhhh, tough f*cking tits. Not that much to leave his kids with then eh? He’s not Mr. Minted. They’ll inherit…err, not a lot as he really has fuck all. He could’ve lived somewhere really nice, all together but no, because he’s a selfish arsehole.

OP, you need to find your own place that is YOURS and not make yourself vulnerable again.

You need to pretend you are WFH but actually ask for some time off so you can sort yourself out.

Best not tell him you might be recouping some of the mortgage you’ve paid just yet.

Neither is BU to want what they want. BUT he being very unreasonable expecting contribution to his mortgage and not wanting to put something in writing to protect you if anything happened to him. My house belongs to me and I have two dds. When now dh moved in he had no savings or house of his own, but we agreed that we were happy to combine finances and did so before we were married. We also sorted out all the what ifs before the wedding. Every penny he earns goes into the joint account. The household expenses are all met from that and having two incomes has helped me stay afloat. Dds dad doesn't pay maintenance. I have written into my will that the house belongs to my dc but that he is allowed to stay in it if I die first because he is making such a contribution to it. He doesn't have his own dc which simplifies it, I know.

Basically it's perfectly possible to ensure that his property goes to his dc without screwing you over if he dies. He has made it clear he doesn't care enough to go for that option so I agree with pps. Start paying your own mortgage and ensure there's more in your own pot to leave to your children. I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship. Inequity in any form is a crap basis for a relationship.

Oh my god he gets worse!

No doubt he's hurt that what he's offering you isn't enough for you. Until you examine what he's offering: no commitment, no shared house, allowing you to subsidise his mortgage, do all his housework, presumably help with his kids etc.

What a twat.

You don't need to be married. But you need financial protection. Been with my partner 12 years ush, lost count. We won't marry, have no children or house, but large pensions and life insurance and want the other to be ok if we die. Wills and trusts can be drawn up

Is the "paying the mortgage" actually just rent? Why would you and your kids expect to live somewhere for free. You could have sorted your housing out by yourself and still gone out with him as it sounds like he has been honest from the start about keeping his asset for his kids. Where did you live before you got together?

Leave, buy your own place, pay off the mortgage over time, leave it to your children. No brainer, OP. While you're finding somewhere to buy, stop paying his mortgage for him. Good luck.

@Everythingwillbeokk Hes an utter delight isn’t he.

Or very hurt and lashing out at you.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, he should be grown up enough to understand your are both pulling apart from each other. You were both honest in what you wanted as an end game of the relationship and you said it doesn't work for you.

That he wants to protect assets for his children is natural and normal, that he wants you to continue to pay the mortgage on his death so only his children benefit is unrealistic, unless he puts it all in trust for his children.

This and it is clear that OP's partner has had their fingers burnt which influences his feelings. I appreciate that OP is paying towards his mortgage ( I presume in the form of rent which she would be paying anyway). As hard as it is, I think the situation is a dealbreaker.

This misses the point. OP would have been paying rent as contribution to home

Well he's definitely showing his true colours now isn't he?! He's realised you're serious and he's losing his paying skivvy!
Get away from the loser

Good, it will be easier for him to give you the money you've contributed towards the mortgage bank, won't it?

You should definitely take legal advice regarding your past three years' contributions.

Oh god he sounds horrible. Stay strong!

He’s done you a massive favour by refusing to marry - thank your lucky stars he did.

Now stop paying his mortgage - simply cover your bills - and stop all cooking, shopping washing for him and all other housework - it’s not your house.

It will be so much better for you financially in the long term to be paying your own mortgage. I hope you find somewhere suitable soon.

There is some shit behaviour on your partner’s part here, OP but as a divorced woman who has worked incredibly hard to pull it all back, I have to say that I am clear I will never marry again, will not be sharing my property with anyone other than my children in the event of my death and will not be sharing bank accounts. If that makes me a bad person, so be it, but there is no way anyone is getting their hands on my children’s inheritance.

He’s showing his true self now, OP. Cutting off his nose to spite his face, but that’s his problem. You were a useful lodger who provided sex and housekeeping services as well as paying rent. You can do much better. Good luck with the move xx

What a horrible nasty man

You’ve done the right thing . No question.