Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

What will you do moving forwards op? Has he said much else?

What a misogynist, arrogant, miserly, vindictive creep. Good for you for leaving.

How old are your kids? What a horrible environment for them, too.

Neither is being unreasonable. He is sensible; It's his house. You pay a contribution ( rather than live rent free), and that's fair. He doesn't want to risk his home or his kids' home. I admire him for protecting their interests. There's many a second spouse who once they get their hands on the house then cut out the dead spouse's kids and leave it to their own.
Buy your own home. Be independent and free. You can still have a relationship.

You are not Unreasonable to want a share of the house though especially if you feel you are a substantial contributor. But marriage is a bad idea from his kids' point of view.

Well done for taking action OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable - but you know that already. It's crazy he expects you to contribute to his mortgage and that his children will benefit from that; whilst you and your DC will not! His reaction also tells you all you need to know, his gravy train has definitely stopped and he doesn't like it. Keep going OP and get you and your DC in a much better position without him.

Is it his house? If so I think you are being unreasonable to expect any of the equity from it. However if you can afford to put down a deposit on a house together then I agree that this would be better for you and allow you to benefit from house price rises and from your mortgage payments. If he refuses to do this, and you refuse to continue to pay him rent, then your options are to move out and pay rent to live in your own house, which also won't provide you any security or equity, or get together a deposit and buy your own place. The former option may be very expensive and leave you worse off than you are now. The latter will provide some financial security. You need to do some sums and work it out on the basis of being responsible for yourself and your children. If the relationship is otherwise good and it is cheaper for you to live together then you may decide to stay. I think when a couple come together with children from previous relationships it's a reasonable and sensible decision not to join finances, especially if they are unequal. If it was the other way round, and your partner was living in your house, how would you and your children feel if half their inheritance went to your partner's children?

Rather than relying on legal rights of a de facto tenant (caveat: I don't know the legal position), OP is better served by checking out the AirBnBs and rentals asap with a view to lying low until she can move out with her dcs. This will lull him into a false sense of security, so that it minimises the risk he will disrupt her plans or try to throw her out prematurely.

In the meantime, she should consult a solicitor about whether her previous contributions to the mortgage give her an interest in the property. She can then use that as leverage to make him buy her out if she has an interest. I don't believe she has to remain in the property to bring a claim against the property. If she has an interest, she has an interest irrespective of whether she living there.

One thing I just remembered. Banks often ask persons living in a property to waive any claim to it. When I refinanced a mortgage, I had to get the aupair to sign a document to the bank. OP should try to remember whether she previously signed such a waiver. If she did, her legal claim to the property could be compromised. If she did not, perhaps the threat of registering her interest in the property on the title (if her lawyer advises her to) may trigger the bank to bear down on her DP re: the mortgage. Might be a leverage tool for her DP to buy her out. But I am not a conveyancer and OP should be consulting one.

@Hedgewitch123

Isn't that an awful stance, when supposed to be in a loving committed relationship though!

Why is it awful to prioritise your children’s financial security over a relationship?

Your position seems to take as read that a relationship partner’s needs should take priority over those of your child.

What may be a “loving committed relationship” one day may turn into a bitter resentful one. Theres literally no way to guarantee the success of a relationship and around half of marriages fail. It would be reckless to think that the relationship should take precedence over the children, who will be yours forever.

I live with my DP and my daughter who is not his biological parent. We have a joint mortgage but it’s set up to ring fence my contributions from his so the equity in the house would go to me (and ultimately my daughter) in the event we separated, because I earn more than him. He is completely happy with this as he should be and he knows I will never marry him. Why should I carry a grown adult and put his security above that of my child?

I completely agree that this guy is an arsehole and the OP needs to leave: that’s very clear. But it’s not a obligation to marry everyone you fall in love with if it disadvantages your children.

What a foul man.

I hope that somehow you might be able to recoup the money that you've contributed but it's unlikely.

You've really been nothing but a lodger and without a tenancy agreement.

As @rubyrubyrubyrubymurray says, as you've paid towards the mortgage, you may have some 'beneficial interest' in the property and be able to get some money back.

Not really. He's protecting his children's interests. He's only been living with the OP for 3 years and he's unlikely to favour her kids' interests - that's her job. The OP is paying money into the household in the same way a lodger would, she can't expect to live there rent free. However, she realises that their ideas do not align and she is addressing the situation by looking to buy a home for herself and hopefully build up an inheritance for her own children.

What was your living situation before this?

I’m confused why you would move in with someone who was very honest about not wanting marriage or a joint tenancy.

Did you hope you could change his mind?

This relationship will never work because you’re incompatible.

I would try and find somewhere to live by the end of this week.

Staying in a home where your partner has said they’re planning to leave you is going to build resentment and be incredibly tense, which is not good for anyone especially the kids.

You know what you want which is great.
You just need to find someone who wants the same things as you do.

I'm reading something differently to you.

Have you seen that should he die, he expects the OP to carry on paying the mortgage for his kid's sake, but that she won't get a penny from its sale?

Also, if she was a lodger she'd sign up to that knowingly.

She didn't.

OP has said she’s the bread winner in this relationship and she has enough saved for a deposit for a house, it’s him who will struggle without her and may have to sell up.

Throw this one back @Everythingwillbeokk He's a dud. He will make a terrible husband and a terrible father, because EVERYTHING is always going to have to be on HIS terms!

So you have a fair deal as does partner youre both happy with.... op has no fair deal.

He might be being horrible now, but I wonder if he might have a miraculous change of heart once he realises how much he stands to lose. But if he does, I don’t think you’ll fall for it.

I’m so sorry you had to find out what he’s really like in this way. He definitely doesn’t fit into the description ‘partner’. But thank goodness you found out now rather than a few more years down the line.

@Everythingwillbeokk
When this is all over and you are settled in a new home with your children, please think about the freedom programme or other counselling to explore why you have been willing to put up with a man who has told you quite clearly through his behavior and words that he doesn't actually respect or care for you.

You do not need to be a man's housekeeper.

Small update - it bloody gets worse!!

So he has messaged me asking me to let him know when I have spoken to the children (mine) then he can put the house on the market.

What did I say though?!?

Sigh. For reference, mine are 15 and 10 so not babies. I will speak to my children in a couple of days once I’ve worked out a plan

Ive also reminded him that he has now managed to lose not only me, but his children’s home, all from being a knob.

Going to start moving all the things I just couldn’t live without in the next few days - to my mums garage.

I’ve had a look on Air BnB. There’s one in the area but if I’m being honest, it’s at least £1.5k above what I’d expect to pay for such property and I wouldn’t move a hamster into it let alone my children.

I’ve informed him we will be staying for the meantime until I find a suitable property - or will cross the bridge of temporary accommodation if and when we come to that

I am aware that if things get really bad I can ring the police - funnily enough that might also be the job that DP does……. So far though I can actually say he’s never shouted at me or given me any reason to feel unsafe in our entire relationship

Also - DD and I have done the food shop. Not so delightful DP was quite put out that I’d do a weeks food shopping….. Bearing in mind he is fully aware we have nowhere to go.

Well, you have ended the relationship, OP, so it's not surprising that he now doesn't want to spend the day with you.

Don't blame him for wanting his assets to go to his children. I'd feel the same way in middle age.

That being the case, though, I wouldn't charge a lover to live with me, beyond splitting food costs.

But his taking advantage of the OP, getting petulant if the house isn't clean, then the "ok I don't have to be nice to you now" and canceling the outing because she told him she's buying her own place all are signs of a selfish arsehole.

@Everythingwillbeokk
What did I say though?!?

You threatened his relationship with you, his finacial and housing stability for him, you and both sets of children.

It will calm down, you might yet talk. He told you he didn't want marriage, he stood his ground and so did you.

I'd be a bloody knob if someone threatened my financial and housing stability too.

What a tool.

Can you move in with your mum temporarily?

What ages are his kids? What are your and his ages?

Did he own the house before you got together? How did he afford it then?
If your contribution has been the key to him paying the mortgage, then surely you have a claim to part of the equity? I don't know but I"d definitely consult a solicitor.

You gave him an ultimatum, ended the relationship but expect him to be nice to you and go out on a trip with you? Not sure you are thinking straight. If my partner gave me an ultimatum and then ended the relationship I would want them out of the house asap too.

This.
Absolutely