Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Do lodgers usually have sex with their landlord and do all the housework?

This. You shouldn't be paying off his mortgage for no benefit.

Now he needs to find someone else to do his childcare, and housework and pay towards his mortgage.

he is going to be financially and timewise worse off - sounds like he had the perfect set up. Now he knows he is losing all that you fund he is showing you what he thinks of you.

Why would anyone say that? If a man moves in with a woman who owns the property she shouldn't charge him 'rent' towards the mortgage. It's foolish. He would only be a cocklodger if she was paying all the rent and living costs. Partners aren't lodgers!

He doesn't want to commit to you be tied down and never will it's one thing not to get married but not to settle down and own a home together is another , he wants an easy exit .

This is 100% about the boyfriend being financially destroyed during his divorce. Ultimately, he sounds concerned about OP’s finances, which he has every right to be. We aren’t the ones being asked to sign up, so it’s easy to call him an unreasonable monster. Neither me or my husband plan to marry again if we divorce, we feel that after our assets have been divided once, that would be more than sufficient and our over riding responsibility’s (financial and emotional) are to our DD, now and in the future. For whatever reason he doesn’t appear to think the OP’s negotiating position is strong, hard to know what sits behind that bar fear of a rerun. On the bright side this man sounds an excellent father.

You want different things.

I agree with your DP's sentiments on marriage in this situation but he's a cheeky fucker to expect you to help pay off his mortgage for no return or security.

At least you are in a position to leave and set yourself up elsewhere.
He’s had a great run - live in maid who is helping with the mortgage.
As for not being nice to you? What a child.
Be prepared for him to actually get a shock when you leave and the washing starts to pile up. If he changes his tune, don’t hear it.
I would be interested to hear his ex wife’s thoughts?!

What a charmer. Well, if he doesn't have to be nice anymore, that goes both ways. Do not do ANY more housework, not a single thing in the house that's not for you or your kids before you go. If you have washing to do don't put his in with it - may seem petty, but remind yourself of his plan to get you to pay off the mortgage and hand it over to his kids.. Do not pay anything else towards the mortgage or any house bills. If he says you owe him for any of those, tell him he can claw it back from the payments you made towards his mortgage that he took from you in bad faith.

Second the Air B n B suggestion. Get a longer term let while you sort out a house purchase rather than spend another day looking at this miserable sod.

If this is true I'm astounded you're still there. What an absolute prick.

From his point of view, there is no need of marriage:

• You were happy enough to not marry your last partner and even had two kids with them.
• You have lived with him for 3 years, performing all wifely duties (presumably).

Stop contributing to his mortgage. And leave asap.

Landlord and tenants have contracts

Well he wasn’t lying about not being nice to me anymore - he’s now cancelled planned outing stating he will go himself this week. Planned outing was to help him get workwear as he’s useless doing it by himself. So I’m going out alone with DD shortly given she was all ready to go. His attitude towards me is abhorrent tbf - also not surprising.

I also think he may have to sell the house once I am gone.

Good. Move out as soon as possible. And stop paying towards the mortgage and stop doing all the housework.

You could probably move in to an air bnb this afternoon!

He’s a user who is taking you for granted and doesn’t have your (or your kids’) best interests at heart. Speak to a solicitor to see if you have any claim to his house, and buy your own asap.

In similar position, and as we are both contributing to the house, if something happens to us the house goes to the other; would be terrible to lose your other half and lose your home. Everything else - pension, death in service ect, goes to respective kids. This is worth roughly the same as house equity currently. There are ways of working this stuff out so you are looking out for each other and your respective children.

@Everythingwillbeokk I agree with this ^^ you should be able to move out into somewhere temporary as soon as you like. What a horrible man he is - and sorry to see you have only just realised it yourself. Get away from him as soon as you can

@Everythingwillbeokk hope you are ok.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP as you will be entitled to a % of the value of the houae as you have lived together for more than 2 years and you have contributed to his mortgage (hopefully you have written evidence of this). I saw a solicitor when dh and I had the conversation about moving in and to protect my investment I had legal documentation drawn up to protect my house from this exact scenario.

My house is mine, dh has no stake in it and he knew from the start that he would never receive a penny from it should we split up. It is tied up legally with a prenup etc but he also does not contribute towards the mortgage. Only 50% of the running costs. All maintenance cost are fine and mine alone

Some areas have serviced apartments that you can book for 4 weeks- this might be an option?

Can I ask OP, are you somewhat of a people pleaser or have you had bad experiences with your previous relationships?

You absolutely should be paying him half of the mortgage and bills.
You are living there too and it’s no different to you renting your own place somewhere

Except the lack of rental agreement, legal protections and the fact she shares a bedroom with her landlord of course. 🙄

That outing didn't sound all that great anyway OP.

It sounds like he never really liked you and I doubt his attitude and behaviour- which are choices - are not down to his previous divorce, but more if what you say is true about maybe needing to sell his home, down to his epiphany that you are - rightly - leaving him up shit creek without a paddle.

In short, he is having a mantrum because he was living beyond his means when single and having had you in his home, made the lifestyle he had become accustomed to, achievable. And now by leaving, he is gonna have to "hustle" again - hence the nastiness.

A prince amongst men!

Aren't you glad you didn't marry him, OP? You dodged a ballistic missile, congratulations

Sounds like he’s just trashed his golden goose tbh Op!

Leave asap and keep you salary, your wifework and your inheritance for your own children ❤️

Get legal advice asap, because as the property owner, he may be able to ask you to leave and class your mortgage payments as “rent”. if you suddenly stop contributing financially, he may also have rights to ask you to leave. How much have you paid towards the mortgage? Are you paying 50/50?

Some info from Citizen’s Advice here: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=A%20property%20may%20be%20owned,'%20in%20it%20–%20see%20below.