Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Don’t play games. Just do what you need to do.

He will definitely be doing and saying whatever to get you back in your skivvy appliance box.
Remember he cares not a whit for you or your children.
Your children deserve so much better than this.
So do you.
Don't be manipulated.

This.

Please take a day off work (sickie, whatever) and move out as much as you can to your mum's before he works from home. Have your friend with you, if possible to help

@Everythingwillbeokk

Do you think he's really WFH or just taking the day off to keep an eye on you. I hate to sound paranoid, but do you think there's any way he overheard a convo or (God forbid) does he know you're on MN? Could he have the house 'bugged' or hidden cams? Now I really do sound paranoid!

I found it interesting that in your convo with him it was referred to as you 'being allowed to leave'. If it was you, you don't really feel you need permission, do you? Are you afraid of something? I can understand him thinking he's the boss of you, but you know he isn't, right?

Since it appears you've lost your day to move things out, see if you can at least find a way to 'stage' things so they're easy to locate & move on short notice. Small items can be smuggled out in clothes 'for the charity shop'. And quietly arrange a different day off from work and say nothing about it.

Big of him to agree that you can leave…. Love how he thinks he can control this.

This!

I think the only way you’ve been unreasonable is to have paid his mortgage up until now with no security or stake in the house!

I think his treatment of you on the plane is a very helpful reminder of how 'nice' he can be. Fairness is clearly foreign to him!

Keep a picture of that holiday out - to remind you of what you are dealing with.

I wonder what the hopes to gain by working from home. What does he suspect ?

Do not waste another minute on this man. I mean, he did tell you upfront. But nah, move on. You want different things, no-one is right or wrong.

So, he doesn't use your car?

If he doesn't, that's good as you can get all of the keys and put them where he cannot get to them.

You really, REALLY, need to get all of your and your children's paperwork and valuables out of the house. So what if he sees you doing it. As long as you don't bring attention to it, what can he say?

Make sure he’s not on the insurance for the car too.

Cant view rental tomorrow - the earliest appointment they had available was Thursday. I’m taking a friend with me so worst case if my car is being followed I’ve got back up.

Why are you worried about him following your car or sneaking around doing viewings behind his back?

He knows you’re planning to move out because you’ve decided to end the relationship, so it’s not going to come as a shock to him.

He is also (I would hope) going to try and make you stay or ask that you reconsider etc.
After 5 years together, I would hope he did everything he could think of to keep the relationship together, apart from getting married or having a joint tenancy.

You obviously wouldn’t stay with him but I’d still expect him to try.

Its odd to me how you’re both so calm about ending a 5 year relationship.

Most couples one would be crying, begging them to stay, being upset, arguing or just showing some sort of emotion - at the very least there would be conversations about it.

Most couples one would be crying, begging them to stay, being upset, arguing or just showing some sort of emotion - at the very least there would be conversations about it.

Maybe also 'most' couples might be more adult about it & understand we all have the right to end a relationship at any time.

People on the thread are worried about his actions as he appears to be abusive & the most dangerous time with an abusive man is when you leave.

You need an urgent plan B and C.

What if he throws you out today? What about your stuff, where will you go? You need essentials and valuables out now. Every trip you make out, you need to take something.

He may be working from home to keep an eye on what you are doing, to make sure you don’t take stuff.

Email whoever you need to speak to. Pretend you are working. Lie to him to let him think you aren’t going anywhere soon, to get him off your case this week.

He could have put an airtag in your car so won't ned to follow you if he wants to know where the rental is.

You’ve watched too many crime dramas.

Yeah I think there's a lot of ridiculousness now to be fair that's not helping things one iota.

On the other hand, the OP's "D" P has been open about the hard time he'll be giving her, spoken of "allowing" her to leave and unexpectedly taken a WFH day when his employers don't want this.

Do what is safe but don’t pussyfoot around. Just be matter of fact.

Honestly, this guy’s a cop and a misogynist at that. I would be taking that car to a mechanic and asking them to check for tags asap. I would also be taking my phone to a phone repair shop and asking them to check for bugs too.

Oh, and when you leave, Make sure you don’t give him any money in cash. I’d rather hope you just leave him in the lurch. If any utilities are in your name you just transfer them straight to your new place. Don’t give him notice. That way you “owe” him nothing and he has to set up new accounts.

I haven't ..."watched too many crime dramas" but I have read and seen of many court cases in the media and threads on here where women have been tracked by vindictive partners, ex partners or soon to be ex partners, @Blossomtoes and @Salmoney

Just be cautious as this is the worst time for women, danger wise when they decide to leave an abusive relationship, be it physical, mental, emotional or financial abuse.

One foot in, one foot out! He has all the benefits that come with being in a relationship with none of the commitment. I hate to say it but he sounds like one of those men who is 'waiting for a better offer'. Move on and find someone who can't wait to commit properly if that's what you want.

And yet, until a couple of days ago, the OP was desperate to get married to him. She proposed, by way of an ultimatum (marry me or else! and they say that romance is dead!), and he declined - which given the terms of her ultimatum, meant that she had to leave.

Yes.

It can take a shock to see things clearly. I think that OP now has his measure. She is looking back over their lives together and is perhaps now realising how she has settled for an idea of him rather than the man himself.