Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

He's staying home to cramp you from doing things, sorting things. He's keeping an eye on you.
Don't like it. 😒

Deep breath.
Talk to work.
Tell them you need support due to a difficult domestic situation.
Let him have his day off.
Paperwork is your priority.
He is going to try and back track now that being nasty hasn't worked.
Tell him nothing.
Mislead him that you will need time.
Any aggression tell him you will report him and do it.
Do not be bullied.
Keep your phone on you at all times.

If he's a bobby how often is it1 he will be working from home? Hopefully it's a one off op.

Trying to control and manipulate. Keep calm, keep on here and keep communicating. Women who been through similar will walk you through.

This ^^ Please take care of yourself.

If you do go out tomorrow then make sure you take or hide small valuables and things like your and your kid's passports, spare car keys etc. There's every chance that if he doesn't "agree" to you leaving that he'll get nasty in ways other than violence.

Why not go and see the rental house tomorrow and also take all important paperwork and give to your friend to look after? Passports, car details etc. Agree with other posters, best to be out for most of the day, also I probably would speak to work and let them know you need an emergency day of leave next week?

How can he reconcile needing you to pay towards the mortgage and do all the "wife-work" (without being a wife), with "allowing" you to leave? There's something odd going on here. If I were you, @Everythingwillbeokk, I would not be waiting around to see if you can get that rental property, I would use your mother's place as a half-way house immediately. I don't trust this man and I don't trust you and your children to be safe with him from now on.

Emergency leave from work would enable you to be put tomorrow and get stuff done.

Be careful.
Tell people your plans.
Enlist help.
Don't tell him what you're doing or when you're going. Be as vague and non committal as possible at this point.

Oh Lord!! Not good OP. Will you still manage to see the rental place this week? Was that going to be tomorrow. Hope it doesn't get snapped up before you can view it

I think if you can work from your friend's tomorrow, I would do that.

He’s gone from not speaking to you and being verbally mean to now talking about his stress and working from home.
I know it could be seen as a dangerous time but he knows you are leaving. There is nothing to stop you sorting through stuff that is obviously yours, even for an hour or two, if your friend could help.
He can hardly say anything if you have someone with you.
I do agree though that he’s starting to try and direct what is happening so you need to get out of there as soon as you can.
I know you mum’s is not ideal but the longer you are there the more chance he has of playing silly beggars.
Get some help with everything don’t do any of it alone.

Or, to add, as someone else said, take an emergency day off work tomorrow to see the rental

How can a police officer work from home?

Probably asked to, to control situation by stating stressed. Catching up in paperwork, online courses... lots of work police do on computer.

Cant view rental tomorrow - the earliest appointment they had available was Thursday. I’m taking a friend with me so worst case if my car is being followed I’ve got back up.

It’s got rather farcical here though. He’s clearly panicking about money now - he’s actually just asked his daughter to give him back any unworn uniform she might have so he can return for a refund. He’s also mentioned selling his car (that he has a loan on) - there’s no way he would clear even half the debt on it by selling - and buying an old banger. You couldnt make it up could you.

Sit tight, you've got this.

@Everythingwillbeokk Where is his children's mum in all this? Is she still alive? It sounds like the children live with him full time and he was expecting you to keep a roof over their heads in the event of his death? Why would you do that if they have a mum? And if their mum isn't alive or capable of taking care of them, what contingency plan will he have now?

Doing this in earshot of you is manipulation

He did used to work from home quite often but his department put a stop to it. So I don’t understand why it’s been allowed tomorrow. Definitely a rare thing nowadays - hence my concern

@Everythingwillbeokk - This ^^ in spades!!

Their mum lives in a neighbouring town, and they have 50/50. I do believe in the event of his death, I would imagine that they would live with their mum but that I would pay the house off for them. Madness.

Is it possible he's read this thread?

Ridiculous.

I mean, I'd simplify your whole argument down to that one point.

I need to own property in order to be financially secure in retirement and hopefully have something to leave to my children one day. I can't afford to buy my own property whilst also helping you pay the mortgage on a property you wholly own and I have no stake in. So either we need to buy a property together and commit to a shared future, or I need to move out on my own and build up my own equity, not yours.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

He can't have his cake and eat it.

Can he afford the mortgage by himself?

Its quite joyful to hear him panicking 🙌

I can’t believe he could be so rude to you and think you’d just keep paying. Especially when you’ve got kids of your own!!!

Don't be fooled by the performance.

He's likely not half as skint as he's allowed you to think. He's just horrified he's lost his cash cow and pulling out all the stops.

Not that you're a cash cow to anyone else, let me make that clear. He's just scum.