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Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
blueshoes · 01/10/2024 16:43

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/10/2024 15:05

People talking about the "lifetime interest" in the house need to make the distinction between what the OP's ex partner has told her is in his will, WHICH HE HAS NOT SHOWN HER, and what is actually in his will (if, indeed, he has made a will), and acknowledge that he could change the will at any time without informing the OP about it. I would also query why on earth he doesn't have life insurance in place to cover the mortgage for his children in the event of his death, and is effectively expecting the OP to provide it for them.

Show quote history

This

Lifetime interest is pie in the sky.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 16:50

Boomer55 · 30/09/2024 17:36

He’s not stringing her along. He’s been clear he doesn’t want to marry her, and that his kids come first.🤷‍♀️

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Yeah, he wants HIS kids to come first...on HER dime!

catindahat · 01/10/2024 16:52

Leave with your head held high. No hatred, tho.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:03

Owly11 · 01/10/2024 14:34

@HomeTheatreSystem he has said to OP that it is in his will - see OPs update - a lifetime interest. If that's true it means she can live in it for the rest of her life. If he dies tomorrow that's potentially a very long time, for what is quite a short relationship. Totally legally enforceable. I think it's pretty generous. I wouldn't want my kids to have to wait 30, 40, 50 years for a short term partner to die before they got their inheritance when they could have it sooner and get themselves on the property ladder.

LOL! Yes, because I am sure those "children" could pay the ever rising mortgage, when their own "alive father" cannot manage it on his own.

It really isn't a "lifetime interest" when it is mortgaged, expensive and the dickhead expects the OP to pay the mortgage and all the other bills and then hand it all over to his kids.

How utterly idiotic!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:09

lololulu · 01/10/2024 11:26

Why do people keep saying she's paying his mortgage?

She's contributing but she's living there too.

The fact that she is paying half of ALL the bills, while he maintains ownership, and the bills are likely more than it cost for her and two children to live and rent and eat. It is vastly unfair to her. He is getting the benefits without the cost. Add to that, SHE pays for treats, take-aways, and holidays means she is getting the VERY short end of the stick. Add to that, the value of her car, cooking, ALL the cleaning, laundry, childcare and everything else...he should be paying her. He doesn't even pay for car fuel. I mean JFCOAC!

Hedgewitch123 · 01/10/2024 17:12

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:09

The fact that she is paying half of ALL the bills, while he maintains ownership, and the bills are likely more than it cost for her and two children to live and rent and eat. It is vastly unfair to her. He is getting the benefits without the cost. Add to that, SHE pays for treats, take-aways, and holidays means she is getting the VERY short end of the stick. Add to that, the value of her car, cooking, ALL the cleaning, laundry, childcare and everything else...he should be paying her. He doesn't even pay for car fuel. I mean JFCOAC!

Show quote history

Lololulu like to be misogynist sympathiser, can reason with women like that. From what ops has posted, how anyone can defend it is beyond me.

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:13

What

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:14

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2024 12:25

Just a side note for the hard of reading: the man is in a potentially dangerous line of work. He could die at any time. (Hopefully not). He has made no arrangement fir his live in partner and her children other than allowing her to continue paying for the mortgage (the whole cost of the mortgage) so that his children can inherit the house. As she will not be his wife and inherit, or have any tie to the children, why would she not leave and pay her money towards her own property at that point? Why would any woman hang around in this fake widowed position?

Everyone complimenting him on how sensible he is not marrying the OP and how sensible his supposed “life interest” plan for the OP has failed to realize that marriage offered him protection that OP would stick around and share the burden and care for his children in the event he was injured or died. Now he gets nothing.

But, OP, don’t play games with him or try to make him regret your going. The british police have an absolutely horrendous reputation for domestic violence and misogyny . Just get out fast.

Edited

⬆⬆💯⬆⬆

THIS! All of this!

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:16

@Hedgewitch123

I don't know how you can say that from the one question I asked. Projecting much!!

Hedgewitch123 · 01/10/2024 17:16

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:13

What

Trying go be tricksy with op... you know exactly "what".

What part of the deal he was proposing do you think is fair for a loving committed,equal relationship?

Try without being misogynistic and without defending men who are using women financially

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:17

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 12:55

Careful with the winding up

You don't want him to turn nastier than he already is

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I agree. The most dangerous time for a woman in a domestic situation, is when the break-up is happening. No matter if there has been violence before or not, it's always best to make as quick an exit as is possible with as little attention focused on you as possible.

Hedgewitch123 · 01/10/2024 17:18

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:16

@Hedgewitch123

I don't know how you can say that from the one question I asked. Projecting much!!

I have nothing to project but the stick op is getting sits very wrong with me. Have you read the poor woman's posts.? How she has been treated, how she's tried to be reasonable for years and thiis is straw that broke camels back?

Or just trying to kick a woman when down.

Women who act like you are part of the patriarchal problem.

You either have a very low Barr for yourself and for other women or are being a Doyle.

Either way I hope you raise your standards for yourself and for women in society.

This man was not offering her a fair life... its not defendable.

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:19

What are you talking about?

You must have got me confused with someone else.

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:20

lololulu · 01/10/2024 13:56

Lots of police men think they have all the power at home too.

Be careful when "showing him what he's missing."

Did you miss this post?

Hedgewitch123 · 01/10/2024 17:20

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:17

I agree. The most dangerous time for a woman in a domestic situation, is when the break-up is happening. No matter if there has been violence before or not, it's always best to make as quick an exit as is possible with as little attention focused on you as possible.

Show quote history

This is very true. When they feel like lost control can become violent sometimes. Keep guard up op!

Hedgewitch123 · 01/10/2024 17:21

"Why do people keep saying she's paying the mortgage but is living there too... " hence is the problem.

BirthdayRainbow · 01/10/2024 17:22

Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 14:57

And so it begins…… I think he is starting to panic. I’ve had a message from him, he’s reluctantly agreeing for me to leave, but wants to talk because he’s stressed at work and this isn’t helping him.

I know - my heart bleeds too…..

On a further note ladies - the house is still available!! I’m going viewing later this week. Small steps.

He brought it on himself...

lololulu · 01/10/2024 17:23

Hedgewitch123 · 01/10/2024 17:21

"Why do people keep saying she's paying the mortgage but is living there too... " hence is the problem.

Yea it's a question.

Bit OTT:
Try without being misogynistic and without defending men who are using women financially

Dontbeme · 01/10/2024 17:27

Fingers crossed for you OP. Please stay safe and get yourself and DC out ASAP even if it means staying at your mum's short term. Do you have a trusted family member or friend with access to a van that can get all your belongings out in one visit, when ex is at work? I would be planning on leaving without warning and not going back for anything.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:31

Tellysavelas · 01/10/2024 09:58

She doesn’t have a lifetime interest, this is a carrot he’s throwing at her.

He might live for another 20 years and OP would have paid half the mortgage by then and still be entitled to nothing.

And as Historian says, he can withdraw it any time. It offers OP zero security.

She is better off leaving the twat and buying her own place.

Will you update your view of him in light of that?

You and others seem really invested in OP paying off this man’s mortgage..

Edited
Show quote history
Awkward Ew GIF by Hello All

ITA with you! The "Cringe" is for the poster you replied to. Why it is on top and not the bottom.....

That almost sounds like the now ex speaking.

They said: "Will you update your view of him in light of that?"

Sure she will! Now he is "a miserable, misogynist, lying, scummy, financially abusive, pile of crap covered in flies."

Is that better @Owly11 ?

By the way, you might want to pull your pants up. Your misogyny is showing 😳

outdamnedspots · 01/10/2024 17:31

Prettyredflowers · 29/09/2024 13:10

You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable.

It's brilliant that you are doing something about it though, and building your own security for later life!

This!

Good luck, op.

MarkingBad · 01/10/2024 17:32

Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 06:35

Good morning all - I’m think I’m feeling a little bit better today. I think finding a potential property has given me a little bit of focus. I’ve not woken up crying.

In terms of him expecting me to pay the mortgage on his death - he has said (but never proven I will add), that his Will states I have a lifetime interest in the property, and that I would be paying the mortgage to continue to live there - he said ‘you would be paying rent anyway’ - one I have always been clear on (as much as his view on marriage) is that I need to be an owner or joint owner of a property and actually the idiot has very clearly failed to realise he would have been in a far better financial position, with a better home for his children had he done that with me

So yes, his life insurance, pension payment etc is always going to his kids - not with the agreement that they will need to pay off the mortgage.

One thing I considered - and I’m just being honest here - but how much I would feel nothing but pure anger for him and utter resent for his children if all this happened, that he died and they get everything. And they don’t deserve that either as it’s him who has caused this. So yet another reason for me to leave, I don’t ever want to feel that way.

His excuse has always been that I will inherit 50% of my mums estate - I’ve always explained to him that you can never ever guarantee your parents estate. I mean for all we know mum could require care for a prolonged period of time, she could also decide to leave her entire estate to a cats home. I have no guarantee to her estate, but you should always have security in your old age in the home you live in, this is the difference

OP lots of wills have weird things in them like who is going to pay off their debts, many are downright vexacious but it doesn't mean they are legal and that you are bound by them just because he says so in his will.

Unless he has discovered a legal loophole, which is unlikely in this case, then his beneficiaries pay off debts of things left to them, mortgage being a common one. A lot of life insurances have mortgage debt payments in their clauses. If his has one it is what it would be used for.

As you are not joint tennants of the house you don't automatically inherit his share of the mortgage debt, his beneficiaries do, whatever his will says.

If you were tennants in common, which you aren't, and he left his share to his children, then they become responsible for his share of the mortgage so you would not have been liable for his half of the mortgage. You'd probably have to sell the house so they could pay off thir share of the mortgage of you buy them out either way he still can't force you to pay off the full mortgage and your half of the house would be left to your beneficiaries not his.

If he decided to leave you a lifetime interest as a legal trust and you are not on the morgage then as it is his house and his mortgage his estate would still pay off his mortgage. Lifetime Interest is a complex business, often ill thought out and usually thrashed out after his death. It's not a route I'd personally go down because there is a lot to go wrong and a potential long nightmare for beneficiaries.

So in reality he never really could force you into that position anyway. It's good to know what is in a partners will because you can get advice on what they can and can't make you do in the event of their death from a good solicitor. Bit of a moot point now of course.

None of what I have written here is legal advice of course but I'm sure there are some clever legal bods who would correct me where I have it wrong.

I hope you get the property you want, my area isn't quite so competitive at the moment so I hope it goes through well for you.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 17:46

S0CKPUPPET · 30/09/2024 18:31

I was in a similar situation and my ex backtracked . The difference was that it was OUR house ( bought together just before we married ) and OUR children .

it took me 6 months to get everything in place as I had to change jobs as we worked together . For that 6 months he acted just like @Everythingwillbeokks ex, wouldn’t speak to me etc

Just as I was leaving, he announced that he had changed his mind ( about the issue that we were splitting up over ) . He said he has decided months ago but the wanted to wait until he felt I had been punished enough and had suffered enough .

He was really surprised when I didn’t fall into his arms again . During the divorce he kept saying that he had tried to reconcile and I was the hard hearted bitch who wouldn’t.

so he warned @Everythingwillbeokk . He might try to keep you to pay the bills for a few more months .

Show quote history

I am so very sorry you had to endure that. You should have taken a picture of the look on his face when he finally realized he no longer had control of your life. I bet it was something to see.

Hopefully, the courts saw through his little shit show pity-party that he had for himself.

YOU GO GIRL!!!! 👏👏👏💯👏👏👏

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2024 18:03

Tellysavelas · 01/10/2024 01:28

But she is paying more than him each month and doing the housework and running after his kids.

This is not an equal situation.

Show quote history

And most people don't cook, clean, shop for or take care of the landlord's children.

Though, with some of the responses here, I am starting to wonder if some do exactly that.

*

Many months ago, there was a thread with a woman wondering if she should charge her BF a small amount of rent if he moved in. Her mortgage was paid off, but there would be maintenance issues, taxes etc. She was denigrated, castigated and shown unbelievable hostility. How dare she charge a man rent to live with her!

He was letting out his house and posters thought it was totally fair that he kept the rent money and paid the poster nothing, just helping with food and utilities because "he would have no equity in the house".

Here, the OP wouldn't have any equity, but some posters are denigrating and castigating her because they find that fine and dandy. (I do think charging something for rent is fine but 1/2 of the mortgage, plus all the car and fuel for HIS use, housework, cooking, childcare, holidays, take-aways? Bullshite!)

The misogyny on this board is funny as hell.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 18:17

Oh Christ. He’s now announced he’s working from home tomorrow - as am I and he already knew. He hardly ever works from home - this is too coincidental. I feel like he’s planning something and it now means I can’t continue to sort things - and tomorrow is my only day this week I can get things done without him seeing - shed, loft etc. I had to nip to a meeting today so I didn’t get a chance to do loft/shed today - head all over the place and hadn’t realised it was booked in.

I have a friend who lives round the corner from ours, driving distance though, we’ve said about meeting up for a coffee very soon so I’m going to see if she’s free tomorrow and go to hers.

OP posts: