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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
Chowtime · 29/09/2024 19:50

ThisBlueCrab · 29/09/2024 14:52

@Everythingwillbeokk hope you are ok.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP as you will be entitled to a % of the value of the houae as you have lived together for more than 2 years and you have contributed to his mortgage (hopefully you have written evidence of this). I saw a solicitor when dh and I had the conversation about moving in and to protect my investment I had legal documentation drawn up to protect my house from this exact scenario.

My house is mine, dh has no stake in it and he knew from the start that he would never receive a penny from it should we split up. It is tied up legally with a prenup etc but he also does not contribute towards the mortgage. Only 50% of the running costs. All maintenance cost are fine and mine alone

pre-nups aren't really a thing here in the UK.

PorridgeEater · 29/09/2024 19:54

"You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable."

Agree with this.
He has been hurt before and does not want to repeat it. If he can't give you what you want then you need to be realistic about your own position.

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 19:55

He has been hurt before and does not want to repeat it.

That went well then because he just has.

InterIgnis · 29/09/2024 19:56

Chowtime · 29/09/2024 19:50

pre-nups aren't really a thing here in the UK.

Show quote history

This is a common misconception but they are, since Radmacher v Granatino. The Supreme Court ruled prenups to be ‘of magnetic importance’ and spouses should be held to them unless it can be demonstrated that they are unfair.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:57

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 19:55

He has been hurt before and does not want to repeat it.

That went well then because he just has.

Even lastnight in our conversation he was saying he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but no marriage or buying a house. I nicely explained he can’t have it all ways

OP posts:
Overpayment · 29/09/2024 19:59

Chowtime · 29/09/2024 19:50

pre-nups aren't really a thing here in the UK.

Show quote history

OP can only claim a beneficial interest if she contributed to the purchase price or paid for significant home improvements.

living together even for a lifetime doesn’t mean a thing. the ‘contribution to the mortgage’ is presumed to be rent only.

HRTQueen · 29/09/2024 19:59

He had been clear and you have been clear

and it’s clear you want a different level of commitment

you are making plans just stick to them and don’t hope one day he may change his mind

AmberAlert86 · 29/09/2024 20:01

REignbow · 29/09/2024 19:46

@Everythingwillbeokk

He doesn’t need to agree to get married and has every right to safeguard his assets for his DC.

But! But!

He CANNOT expect for you to fund his holidays, buy a car, do the chores and pay his mortgage his life and that of his DC without some form of commitment.

Like you said, you wanted to buy a shared home and ring fence his money to safeguard it.

I think he’s shown you who he is and when he realises that you are serious, he’ll do a 360 and promise you the world and not do it.

It's crazy what desperately greedy men do.
A friend of mine had a boyfriend who was finalising divorce. Ex wife didn't want to keep the house, so was going to. On the surface he seemed fairly well off. Lo e bombed my friend, quickly proposed to her. Then tried to convince her to sell her house and move in with him to help pay his mortgage. It also become apparent that he isn't well off but is living above his means and his new girlfriends financial help was needed to keep up the appearances.

CrazyGoatLady · 29/09/2024 20:04

If he doesn't want you to inherit any of his house, then he shouldn't have had you living there and contributing to the mortgage or any other joint assets. He wants the benefits of marriage without either making that commitment or accepting that repartnering changes the financial landscape.

I understand on an emotional level he doesn't want to compromise his kids' inheritance, but he's also not being very realistic here. If he can't afford the house without you and you leave, then they won't get it anyway! His kids are also already financially benefiting from having you around by the sounds of it, which is the trade off. You can't have a new partner move in and financially contribute to your existing family but then isn't part of that family structure if you die. It doesn't work that way. He's using you to keep his house so his kids can have it, plain and simple - he doesn't give a shit about your security.

He needs to downsize to a house he can afford, and the extent of his future relationships will have to be only with a partner who maintains a separate home and all assets/finances stay separate.

Livelovebehappy · 29/09/2024 20:09

Tbh, he’s told you quite clearly where he stands on the whole marriage thing. Personally, I wouldn’t be bothered about being married or not - as they say, it’s just a piece of paper that some people get hung up on. What I would do though is go ahead with buying yourself a small property, and whilst still living with him in his house, you can rent yours out, but make it clear you won’t be contributing towards his mortgage, and the mortgage on your own house is your priority. It’s security for you and your children. I don’t think you can conclude he doesn’t care or love you just because he’s against marriage, so it’s not necessarily a LTB situation, unless you feel so strongly about it that it’s a deal breaker for you.

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 20:10

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:36

Mine. Thank god. I’d never have my car in anyone else’s name. My kids dad took my car off me when we split when DD was a toddler, it was in his name and had been half funded by my car we had sold. Complete and utter nightmare. I learnt one lesson at least!!!! lol

Show quote history

So you won’t put your car in his name but you expect him to put his house in your name?
Can you not see the irony in that?
Surely you can see how he feels, purely because you feel the same with your car.

You have been stung in the past and so it’s important for you to keep some things separate.

He has also been stung in the past and wants to do the same and more importantly he wants to protect his kids.

I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to be married because I too, do not want to get married.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t either live separately, buy your own home and then eventually move in together and rent it out or just get a buy to let property.

But I understand and commend you for having your boundaries and sticking to them (even if they are a bit late).

Your opinion hasn’t changed and neither has his.
Neither of you are in the wrong, you are just incompatible.

I would advise that if you meet someone new in the future and then move them into your home that is in your name, you take time to consider whether you want to put their name on the mortgage or get married.

I know lots of posters would be saying you should put him on your mortgage and get married but you have kids and it’s important that you protect yourself and your future assets.

If you marry a new man and then divorce, he can take half of your property which could leave you and your kids in a very bad position.

Marriage is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 20:10

Livelovebehappy · 29/09/2024 20:09

Tbh, he’s told you quite clearly where he stands on the whole marriage thing. Personally, I wouldn’t be bothered about being married or not - as they say, it’s just a piece of paper that some people get hung up on. What I would do though is go ahead with buying yourself a small property, and whilst still living with him in his house, you can rent yours out, but make it clear you won’t be contributing towards his mortgage, and the mortgage on your own house is your priority. It’s security for you and your children. I don’t think you can conclude he doesn’t care or love you just because he’s against marriage, so it’s not necessarily a LTB situation, unless you feel so strongly about it that it’s a deal breaker for you.

She’s leaving him!

BlackShuck3 · 29/09/2024 20:10

Exactly@CrazyGoatLady this man is living well beyond his means and the op is the sugar mummy who is enabling this, he's getting all the sugar, she's bankrolling him.
He wants to have his cake and eat it, everything on his terms, all the benefits going in his direction.

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/09/2024 20:11

Rainwind65 · 29/09/2024 13:12

Well done OP. He is telling you exactly where you are in his priorities, and you should listen to him.

Put you and your children first by leaving him, and NOT paying for his assets which will reduce what you can give to your children.

Good luck!

This.

FofB · 29/09/2024 20:12

I believe, as my now deceased Nan would have said, 'He has shit his nest.'

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 20:13

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 20:10

So you won’t put your car in his name but you expect him to put his house in your name?
Can you not see the irony in that?
Surely you can see how he feels, purely because you feel the same with your car.

You have been stung in the past and so it’s important for you to keep some things separate.

He has also been stung in the past and wants to do the same and more importantly he wants to protect his kids.

I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to be married because I too, do not want to get married.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t either live separately, buy your own home and then eventually move in together and rent it out or just get a buy to let property.

But I understand and commend you for having your boundaries and sticking to them (even if they are a bit late).

Your opinion hasn’t changed and neither has his.
Neither of you are in the wrong, you are just incompatible.

I would advise that if you meet someone new in the future and then move them into your home that is in your name, you take time to consider whether you want to put their name on the mortgage or get married.

I know lots of posters would be saying you should put him on your mortgage and get married but you have kids and it’s important that you protect yourself and your future assets.

If you marry a new man and then divorce, he can take half of your property which could leave you and your kids in a very bad position.

Marriage is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Show quote history

A house where I have suggested ring fencing his money and the remainder of the equity is shared since we are both paying for it equally. The car I pay for by myself - and also cover the costs of him driving it. He has never even put fuel in it once. These are not the same things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 20:14

FofB · 29/09/2024 20:12

I believe, as my now deceased Nan would have said, 'He has shit his nest.'

That’s funny!

OP posts:
AmberAlert86 · 29/09/2024 20:14

Livelovebehappy · 29/09/2024 20:09

Tbh, he’s told you quite clearly where he stands on the whole marriage thing. Personally, I wouldn’t be bothered about being married or not - as they say, it’s just a piece of paper that some people get hung up on. What I would do though is go ahead with buying yourself a small property, and whilst still living with him in his house, you can rent yours out, but make it clear you won’t be contributing towards his mortgage, and the mortgage on your own house is your priority. It’s security for you and your children. I don’t think you can conclude he doesn’t care or love you just because he’s against marriage, so it’s not necessarily a LTB situation, unless you feel so strongly about it that it’s a deal breaker for you.

She (op) says quite clearly in her posts that he can't afford the current house without her contributions. She's also been financing the holidays. Bought the family car. I'm not keen on marriage myself so I can understand his sentiments but he is taking the mick being in the financially beneficial relationship but OP has no equity in anything.

HollyKnight · 29/09/2024 20:14

So you won’t put your car in his name but you expect him to put his house in your name?
Can you not see the irony in that?
Surely you can see how he feels, purely because you feel the same with your car.

Eh? She's not asking him to give her his house. She wants to own one with him. You can't jointly own a car. If she puts his name on the car it means she has given him a car.

Garlictest · 29/09/2024 20:15

You're getting some weird replies here, OP 🤨 This is AIBU, I suppose!

5 years and he's dropped his mask this quickly. It must be very upsetting, but you're right to keep your focus on "where next?" with your DC - and without him.

I shouldn't be surprised any more by the startling amount of entitlement some men people show towards their partners' assets, but sometimes it still shocks.

Very best of luck with a swift and satisfactory move!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2024 20:16

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 20:10

So you won’t put your car in his name but you expect him to put his house in your name?
Can you not see the irony in that?
Surely you can see how he feels, purely because you feel the same with your car.

You have been stung in the past and so it’s important for you to keep some things separate.

He has also been stung in the past and wants to do the same and more importantly he wants to protect his kids.

I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to be married because I too, do not want to get married.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t either live separately, buy your own home and then eventually move in together and rent it out or just get a buy to let property.

But I understand and commend you for having your boundaries and sticking to them (even if they are a bit late).

Your opinion hasn’t changed and neither has his.
Neither of you are in the wrong, you are just incompatible.

I would advise that if you meet someone new in the future and then move them into your home that is in your name, you take time to consider whether you want to put their name on the mortgage or get married.

I know lots of posters would be saying you should put him on your mortgage and get married but you have kids and it’s important that you protect yourself and your future assets.

If you marry a new man and then divorce, he can take half of your property which could leave you and your kids in a very bad position.

Marriage is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Show quote history

Is it even possible to put a car in two people's names? I thought a car had to have one registered owner.

ScreamingBeans · 29/09/2024 20:18

LTB.

Don't look back.

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 20:19

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 20:13

A house where I have suggested ring fencing his money and the remainder of the equity is shared since we are both paying for it equally. The car I pay for by myself - and also cover the costs of him driving it. He has never even put fuel in it once. These are not the same things.

Show quote history

But if you split then anything with both of your names on is going to have to be split/is going to be messy in some way.

Keeping things separate is just easier for everyone involved.

I am worried you are going to get stung in the future.

Why not buy your own home in just your name.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 29/09/2024 20:19

The only really unreasonable thing here is you paying towards his mortgage. You shouldn’t be paying and he shouldn’t accept it.

But you don’t want the same things. Leaving is absolutely the right thing to do for you and your children.

coldcallerbaiter · 29/09/2024 20:21

Both parties should prioritise their own dc. I hate the step parent dues and other side and their dc got everything stories.

If you live in his house, do not pay the mortgage, just pay rent/lodger and half the bills, then put your savings away if you have them and that can be used if you split.

You really shouldn’t have rights to his property, he doesn’t want you to have those rights. What you paid so far, is that on top of half the bills and what you would reasonably paid as rent-lodge? If so, ask for some of it back.