Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

What I wanted was a secure unit, all of us. Be married for the fact it is that commitment. Create a home together, one that is ours, for us to grow old in together. One where our grandchildren would come and visit. But unfortunately, it does appear now that I was the only one who wanted this. I think that’s the crux of the issue really. I know it sounds really soft, and thats what I have to let go of now and mourn that it’s never going to happen.

I hope you get away quickly too omg I suppose it's hard to see what's happening until you write it down and discuss it like this but hopefully you will get this sorted now. Good luck.

Whose name is the car in, @Everythingwillbeokk?

You are doing the right thing. Being with someone who doesn't want the same things as you is a recipe for unhappiness and you only have one life.

I’m sorry OP, most of us can see how much you were willing to invest in this relationship, but at least you’ve found out he’s not worth it before you’ve lost too much. You have so much to bring to the table, and you’re worth more than this, you deserve a man as generous and kind as you are.

You should be so glad now that you didn't marry him. What a cunt he is. As soon as you get somewhere else to live you will be free of him. That would be much more difficult to do if you were married.

You’re not being unreasonable.

Mine. Thank god. I’d never have my car in anyone else’s name. My kids dad took my car off me when we split when DD was a toddler, it was in his name and had been half funded by my car we had sold. Complete and utter nightmare. I learnt one lesson at least!!!! lol

Just be aware that he might try to lure you back in with a sudden change in attitude and promises of marriage and equality. You know now that would just be manipulation to get you back to funding his and his children's lifestyles.

It sounds like you are doing really well in such a difficult situation OP. Remember to pat yourself on your back especially seeing as he never seemed to have your back!

Maybe this might be of help. https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice

In time you will look back on this & breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I agree. He'll probably give OP a 'shut up ring' to buy himself another few years.

I’m ready for this. I’m also ready for him to start panicking about where his next holiday is coming from - did I mention I fund those too?!

@Naunet
Earning more does NOT make you the breadwinner unless that extra money is being spent financing all the household and raising all the dc and the OP only referred to a vehicle. There was no mention of the OP financially supporting his dc. She pays around half of bills and rent. Thats not supporting anyone else. ^

Simply earning more but say saving it in a personal savings account would not for example make one the breadwinner. Breadwinner means financially supporting not just earning more.
^
The OP has since come back and said she is supporting his dc but that was said after I commented. She hasn't detailed how she supports the other dc

@Naunet
But please don't think I think this man is a prince. He sounds like a prime dickhead

Mate, just accept you were wrong and stop trying to twist this thread to suit your own narrative.

I'm not surprised. He knew what he was doing when he chose you. A lot of men do a version of it. They meet their children's needs by finding a woman to do it.

Either you are a family or you are not. If you are a family then you are both named on the mortgage, even if there is a legal agreement that you have different shares in the property. If you are not a family then it's best to live separately so you both have some security.

He has been using you to support his family. It's a horrible thing to realise but it will give you strength to find somewhere else.

Point out that if he doesnt intend to be nice to you there is no reason for you to support his mortgage.

@Everythingwillbeokk

He doesn’t need to agree to get married and has every right to safeguard his assets for his DC.

But! But!

He CANNOT expect for you to fund his holidays, buy a car, do the chores and pay his mortgage his life and that of his DC without some form of commitment.

Like you said, you wanted to buy a shared home and ring fence his money to safeguard it.

I think he’s shown you who he is and when he realises that you are serious, he’ll do a 360 and promise you the world and not do it.

So sorry OP. You must be wondering whether he ever truly loved you.
I'm sorry to say this, but he might have been in a relationship with you due to economic benefits (or calculated- my English is not perfect sorry). Or started as romantic and became transactional relationship. Perhaps he never truly wanted to buy the house together. Why else he would change coal posts. And if you didn't have matching deposit, he would've reduced his contribution to match yours instead of asking your mother to waste money on equity release. And even in that case, your children were not to inherit a share of house if you bought together? I just can't wrap my head around his logic.
You are well rid of him.

Sounds like you’ve been gaslit for too long. You’re right to be taking a stand. Wish you well with your new move. Doesn’t sound like this one was good enough for you, by a country mile x

Well the other DC are my kids….. more than supported in every single way.

Not sure how you would like it detailed - in addition to the normal household bills, I often fund days out, takeaways, meals out, any extra bits the kids need for school, I’m there for pick ups, drop offs, clean up after them, keep their home clean and tidy, ensure their clothes are clean, dried and ironed. I check in on them, make sure they are ok, had a good day, need anything. Quite honestly, I’ve always treated his like my own. When I buy treat buys for mine - sweets etc - his kids get the same.

Just click on the vote you wanted.

Phew! Glad to hear it!

It's a shame that he couldn't find a way to meet you in the middle and offer you the commitment you want whilst also making sure his kids' future is protected, but it is what it is.

You might also want to think about whether getting married would really be in your own children's interests, especially if you're due to have a large inheritance.

Anyway, I hope you manage to sort out somewhere to live soon!

@Everythingwillbeokk

I hope you and he can have a calm discussion about splitting amicably. I hope also he is willing to let you stay until you find a place.

A family member ended up in a bad spot over an ultimatum issued in an argument (the stop having an affair with my x friend or get out and go live with him one). His XP beat him up enough for him to need medical attention (fully admitted it to the police and the court) and he got kicked out there and then. It was his name on the rent contract, police told him to go. People are not always reasonable especially in the heat of the moment.

100% be careful