Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

I agree. It's not in anyone's interest to remarry when they have assets and especially not when they have children.

(I also think he shouldn't be taking your money)

I keep seeing PP's saying this and it's just ridiculous. He's not "taking" anything. She has to pay her share to live in the home, just as she would have to pay rent or a mortgage if she had her own home.

If a woman wrote that her male partner were living in her home and not paying his share to do so, you would be able to hear the screeches of "kick the cocklodger out" all the way around the world.

And if the op's boyfriend did die, and she still remained in the home, why wouldn't she still need to pay to do so? Why on earth would this man, or his kids/his estate, owe her a free ride?

The op made a very poor choice thinking she would get him to change his mind about marriage. She gambled and she lost. She knew full well his stance on marriage and she chose to put herself and her kids into this very vulnerable position, by possibly having to leave the home they live in if the op's little ultimatum didn't work. That has now happened and her kids have to suffer the consequences of her decisions.

I actually agree with your partner. You both already have children. Your financial responsibility is to your children. Getting married again would complicate that issue.

marriage is an excellent arrangement for people who want to procreate together to form an economic unit to raise their children. You will have shared economic goals. first children, then the empty nest and finally retirement.

you and your partner have separate priorities. Marriage and co-mingling of finances isn’t the logical step. Your goals will never be truly aligned. You can still have a romantic relationship while keeping your business life separate. That is probably easier if you don’t live together.

She is the higher earner, and also picks up all the household chores. She brings more to this relationship than he does. He's just massively hoisted himself by his own petard.

But many people still do.Relationships end, people choose to start again.
He is being unreasonable, because he expects everything to go his way, basically what he says goes.He’s expecting everything a relationship has to offer, without the commitment.If he feels this way, he should be paying his own mortgage.

What a pig, well he’s done you a favour, as why would you want to marry him. Well let him struggle paying the mortgage on his own, can’t believe you’re paying into it for zero benefit. His little plan was shocking. I’d try and move asap even if you are on a sofa bed for a couple of months until you’re sorted

Did you have your own house before moving in with him, or rented? So this man who was supposed to be committed to you, would have you homeless if he dies and won’t put you on the mortgage even though you contribute etc. I think all you’ve been doing is help pay this man’s mortgage OP. You could have been putting that money towards your mortgage and your kids future. I can see you’re leaving him, good for you. He put you in a vulnerable position financially, he was in control and knew it! What a shit!! You know now it was a mistake as he’s turned nasty as soon as you challenged him. You say you earn more, so get out there, save up, get away from him and buy your own place, where you are in control. And don’t move in with another guy until you are totally sure you will be secure in the future!

I think we're talking at cross purposes here. OP partner wants her to pay his mortgage for his kids in the event of his death
Sorry if i had the genders wrong

It's a little unreasonable that he thinks the OP should pay off the mortgage if he died but not own any if the value upon sale 🫤

I think the payment is rent. Which the OP would be paying elsewhere. It's not unreasonable that she pay him something to live in his house. Otherwise she'd be mooching off him

How much equity/assets does he have? What do you have?

If you have very little and have just been paying him rent to cover you and your dc living in his house then it would be entirely unfair to split everything 4 ways.

You are not being unreasonable. I’m sorry it’s come to this point which is no doubt a painful one. You are right though.

He is entitled to state his terms, I think they are extreme and unfair if you are actually contributing to his mortgage but there you are, if he won’t change he won’t.

I have a relative who spent many years with a divorced man who similarly said he would never marry again. In the end they did marry decades later partly for tax and legal reasons. The huge difference is that in the meantime they owned a home 50/50 and have made arrangements to protect potential inheritance of their individual families.

Good luck to you, you sound very clear thinking and I am sure you can build a great future without this particular man.

A free ride?! Fuck me, either you’ve not read all OP posts and seen she’s the bread winner, she financially supports HIS kids and he can’t afford the house without her, or you’re so bias against women you can’t see how ridiculous this comment is.

You’re clearly not on the same page, so I agree separating is the best answer here, but there’s nothing unreasonable about expecting you to pay him rent for living in his property without any expectation of gaining a beneficial interest in the property.

Lots of messages and I’ve read all of them - thanks all. At a time I’m feeling tired, quite emotional and alone, I feel like I’ve at least got you all.

So answers to a couple of questions - I was renting before moving in here, with a view to buy a house at some point. Renting purely because I had sold our house in another town and had moved myself and my kids to a new town. So have been on and off saving since then.

Ive always been happy to pay half of all bills. In fact I do actually contribute slightly more than him when we’ve sat and worked out the bills. I have also funded the car we view as our ‘family car’ - a large newish 7 seater SUV.

In addition to this - why was I happy to pay towards the mortgage - because we had previous to me moving in, discussed eventually selling and buying a property together. He moved the goalposts here in expecting that I would match his deposit contribution. There is also a time he honestly asked me to ask my elderly Mum if she would do an equity release on her property so I could get my inheritance out early. I shit you not.

Im being completely ignored by him right now - which is awkward but I suppose at least we aren’t arguing.

Also people who have stated my timing isn’t great with making an ultimatum and having nowhere to go - I hadn’t planned on our conversation leading down that path lastnight. However I would expect that any adult in this situation would be reasonable that there are children involved here, and it’s sad for them too. A lot easier if we can just find somewhere to go quite quickly.

I agree with this. When you take away all the wedding fripperies a marriage is a legal document conferring rights and responsibilities over assets and succession. That’s all it is. You don’t ’contribute to the mortgage’, you pay rent for you and your children as you would have to do anyway. I agree that this sounds dead in the water. He doesn’t want to marry you for good reasons and he has always been upfront about that. Why did you stay with him when you wanted different things? If he died then you’d continue to pay rent to his children and that would cover the mortgage (though wouldn’t he have life assurance?). Regardless, it looks like like it’s dead in the water. In your shoes I’d move asap, even if it’s somewhere a bit grim, for a few months to get yourself sorted for buying.

He’s going to miss the house and that car @Everythingwillbeokk.

I’m sorry, I have just read the updates.

It’s a shame he is making this so difficult, but thank goodness you are getting away from this man.

I think once the practicalities are dealt with you will realise he has been bringing you down in all kinds of ways beyond the ones you have shared. He is just clearly that kind of person. Things will be better.

Sorry - cross post! You’ve tried your best, but I think it’s at its end.

Stop paying his mortgage.

@Naunet

A free ride?! Fuck me, either you’ve not read all OP posts and seen she’s the bread winner, she financially supports HIS kids and he can’t afford the house without her, or you’re so bias against women you can’t see how ridiculous this comment is.
Huh??? She's a higher earner but isn't the breadwinner. Nowhere does it say she has the breadwinner. She doesn't support his kids. She says IF HE DIED she would support them. Not that she supports them now.
He can't afford the mortgage payments on his own so her rent helps pay for that. But you would expect to pay rent surely. She pays half the bills and rent.

You've made up so much stuff it's unreal.

Go try reading through OPs posts again 🙄

By the way, higher earner = breadwinner.

I wouldn’t care if my DP massively out earned me or did all of the housework.

If I don’t want to get married, then I won’t.

As a single mum, my stability and kids stability comes first.

It’s a shame that the relationship has to end over this, as most people don’t want to marry unless they plan to TTC but I agree that OP has done the right thing.

I am actually the breadwinner. And yes I do support his kids both financially and emotionally. And yes, in the event of his death, his children would be regarded by me as mutual responsibilities and I would always have made sure they were financially secure, as my own. And no - he can’t afford the house without my financial contribution.

Wow. He's quickly dropped the mask hasn't he?

It sounds like he's been using you and now you've told him you're not staying he sees no need to hide his contempt.

I hope you get away quickly.