Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Hi I feel for you as this is a difficult situation . Has he always been clear on not wishing to marry or buy a house ? I ask because I like your husband was married once and would never do it again . I too have a child whom I want to leave everything to
and do not want the potential loss of assets if marriage doesn’t work out . I have been clear about that but I also know that people think they can change other peoples minds so I’ve ended relationships due to that . If he doesn’t meet the ultimatum then you have little option but to decide to end the relationship . The worst thing you can do is waste more years of a
your life hoping he will change his mind. You will resent it in the long run

The sex of the people involved is completely irrelevant.

I'm a woman - I've been married twice, divorced twice. I do not want to get married ever again.

If I started a relationship with a man on the very clear understanding that I will not get married, I absolutely would not appreciate, some years down the line being given the ultimatum - marry me or I leave!

If I were feeling kind, I might help him pack.

I’ve nothing helpful to add other than he’s an utter cockwomble.

If it's a Defined Contribution pension fund, you can leave it to whomever you nominate. Lucky DS1 is in for quite the windfall when DH dies... he won't be able to touch it for a while but he'll have a nice nest egg.

But surely you wouldn't expect him to pay his mortgage for his kids in the event of his death?

Agree with this having gone through a divorce.

@Cosyblankets they wouldn’t need to pay mortgage in the event of death - it would be a debt of the sole estate and would be discharged when the estate is settled. I can understand where he’s coming from - trying to protect his children

Yes of course you would. Part of being a parent is providing for your children in the event of your death. Unless you're completely destitute.

Your children
Not someone else's

I definitely think you should leave to protect your own interests and your kids.

But honestly, I'm getting divorced and have been fucked over in a myriad of ways and would therefore NEVER marry or cohab again. Obviously I don't know what his circumstances are.

Hope he's a gent and gives you some of your money back.

So who pays until the estate has settled?
I've just gone through settlement of an estate, no mortgage involved, and it has taken 10 months to distribution

It would have been kind of you to think of them but unless you were actually a mother figure and brought them up together, they shouldn't be equal

Voted unreasonable by mistake, sorry!

@Cosyblankets the executor usually. But basically for the purpose of this - if OP sticks around she’s not inheriting it so would have no interest in the property presumably unless it’s set up by licence etc ?!

That's what you asked.
Would you expect him to pay the mortgage for his own children in the event of his death?

Yes, I would expect him to arrange for the mortgage to be paid, most obviously via insurance.

Don't marry someone who needs an ultimatum in order to marry you. He doesn't see you as a life partner.

Go ahead and move out and start a new phase of your life without him.

He sees you paying the mortgage as a financial bonus, you see it as a sign of how committed you are.

He is not wrong to want his assets to go to his children (I also think he shouldn't be taking your money). I'd say there is no way in the world he will make a will saying you get to live there until you die or whatever.

I'll never get married for a lot of the reasons he says, but I'd also never expect my partner to pay the mortgage for the sole benefit of my child!

I think it's as simple as your priorities aren't aligned, you're not wrong for wanting what you want and he's not wrong for wanting what he wants (aside from the part where you keep paying the mortgage when he dies...). It will never resolve so the choice is yours - live with it or move on, but don't expect him to change his mind because he's telling you up front and honestly what he wants.

His reaction shows that you have done the right thing.

I'd also consider moving in with your mum temporarily.

I presume he had the house before he met you so I don't blame him for wanting to protect that. If you got married, you would be entitled to half his assets?

When things go wrong people show their true colours - it is good that you are getting to see the real him. It’s also seems like he has been using you, and definitely not giving two figs about what happens to you and your children. It’s good you have seen the “real him” before marriage and further commitment. Good luck OP

She wants commitment.
Bloody hell, she is even willing to give an equal share of her family inheritance to HIS kids.

He wants a housekeeper who will pay him for the privilege and provide sexual favours for free.

He also wants his kids to benefit from her salary and inheritance to the point her children get sod all.

Oooh, so tempting.

He has shown what an arsehole he is.

Well it's easy to resolve this issue if he wants to. You buy a house as tenants in common, he leaves his share to his kids and vice versa. Whichever is the first to die, the other one can buy out their share and pay off their kids, if they can afford to, or the house can be sold to release the money to the kids.

Alternatively, you do the same as the above but give the survivor a life interest in the property so they continue to live there until they die and then the kids inherit their parents' shares in the property on death of the second parent to die.

It's not difficult. If he doesn't want to do either of the above, move on.

I don't understand why people rush into living together when there are kids involved.

You moved in with him after two years with a 7 year old and 12 year old.

I'm a single mom myself and will never understand this.

You both didn't even want the same things!

It's always the kids that get screwed over in these situations.

I hope you find somewhere for you and your children very soon. your partner is an absolute ARSE and does not deserve you or your children in his life.

By contributing the the mortgage while you live there, you have an interest in his property anyway. It's called a constructive trust.