Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Misogyny.

Ps can your kids stay with their dad until you find accommodation?

He’s not being unreasonable, you’re not being unreasonable. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing.

100%

I am a woman.

But I don't have any time for people who issue empty threats, and I most definitely don't have time for people who attempt to coerce someone into marriage.

And I think it is very unfair for the OP's partner to be getting vilified as he is by many on this thread.

Are we reading the same thread? In what world is her partner not acting like a 'bad guy' here? He's clearly displaying some behaviour of premium twattery here. How can you justify somebody saying they 'no longer have to be nice' to her and his immediately hysterical 'I'll be putting it on the market then' comments? Granted, it's a shame OP didn't realise before how unreasonable her financial situation is, but his behaviour before and after she gave him a definitive choice is quite evidently 'bad'.

Doesn't sound like it was an empty threat. Both had their views on how they want to live. She gave an ultimatum. He said no. This effectively finishes the relationship. If anything, this is a no fault split. I'm not sure why he is angry though.

You're an amazing individual. Well done for sticking to your guns. Even if he promises the world now, don't change your mind.

OP, well done, he's a cock. I hope you and your children can get out of there soon.

Did you all miss the post of he was warming up to marriage in another post by the op folks.

id be moving asap personally good on you OP

I don’t think anyone on this thread is saying OP shouldn’t have handed him his arse. What some are saying is this isn’t much of a negotiation strategy. Knowing how many children are involved (OP’s included), a proper plan in place was required, otherwise it has all the hallmarks of an empty threat. Another poster has suggested that OP’s kids go to their dad and then she could go to her mums, yes it’s inconvenient, but if she wants to appear at all serious about her intentions, weekly food shops and trips to tart up his wardrobe are highly odd next moves.

You both want different things. You are doing the right thing in looking to buy your own property. Asking you to contribute to his mortgage, if he died but then sell and give all the profit to his children, is unreasonable! Why contribute to a home, where later on you don't benefit, should the unthinkable happen?!!! I understand he wants to provide for his children but you're supposed to be his partner, the person he loves, and yet you count for diddly-squat! He's been honest, he has no intention of ever marrying you or buying a property with you. You want to someday get married. Sadly, this man is not for you. Eventually, you will grow to resent him. Buy your own property, move out of his and end the relationship. Find someone who values you in their life and treats you like you deserve.

The guy's just been dumped out of the blue, essentially. Not all of us are at our best in that kind of situation, especially if dumped for not being bullied into something.

And then the OP is bad-mouthing him for not wanting to have a day out with her, and then making practical plans for a future as a single man.

The emptiness of the threat is suggested by her surprise and annoyance that he didn't want to have a day out with her, and that he's taking her at her word - that she's leaving - and expecting her to get going.

Its not coercion! I wont do X unless you do Y might be an ultimatum but its not coercion. Coercion is “fuck me, pay my bills, or I make you homeless overnight.”

Hope that helps!

I didn't miss it but didn't see it as a commitment either. I get it, we've all heard things we hope are a change of heart, we've all made the mistake of hoping it's more than it is too.

That's not the OPs or her XPs fault, we all do and say things we don't always intend in the way it sounded for a variety of reasons. It doesn't mean that you are not allowed to go back to your original long held stand point either we can all change our minds.

The MRAs have turned up to spin things beyond recognition and make the man out to be the victim!

I suppose it’s like paying him rent? As presumably OP won’t be having to pay housing costs elsewhere.

If it were a woman being strong armed into marriage (after messy divorce and asset split) most of these responses would be so different. I must confess I’m finding OP rather bizarre. I’d have had a strategy in place for my request to be declined if children were involved. It will likely take 4 months to buy somewhere, assuming you can find something to buy/offer on next week. Renting short term is just another expense, one that seems a bit pointless to me, this whole thing needed a more careful comms plan. Although OP is the breadwinner she doesn’t have any assets, which is basically where this entire disagreement sprang from. I’m not saying she should suck up his terms, just planned her and the kids exit a little better.

OP has been very honest about him being honest from the start.

They discussed this before moving in and OP decided that she was happy with no marriage/hoped he’d change his mind.

He made it clear that this was what he wanted and the offer was there for her to move in knowing his views.
She chose to move in any way.

He invited her - he didn’t force her.

If I offer you a big slice of cake and you eat it, don’t blame me if you didn’t lose weight that week because you chose to accept it.

He has absolutely no blame when it comes to not wanting marriage because he was upfront from the start.

If he said he wanted it and then changed his mind after she moved in, my opinion would be very different and he would very much be the bad guy.

But in this situation there is no bad guy.

I think OP was very silly to move her kids into a home where she knew there would be no future.

But I commend her and think it’s great that she is ending the relationship and sticking to her guns.

I also commend him and think it’s great that he’s sticking to his guns and putting his kids before a relationship.

He's not necessarily a user. OP is contributing to his mortgage. If she's paying less than it would cost to rent accommodation, then this may be an arrangement that benefits both parties financially

And, in fairness to partner, doesn't sound as though he has misled OP. Sounds like he made it clear what he was (not) offering and she chose not to listen

Slightly curve ball idea, but if he needs/wants to sell the house, would you be able to afford to buy it? Not that you would necessarily want to but just a thought......

Nah, he sounds like a right piece of work, but OP delivered a heavy ultimatum hoping he would bend. One can’t count on getting one’s own way, that’s why ‘plan b’ is such a well worn cliche.

What an odd comment.

He’s just been dumped because of something that he’s said all along.

Of course posters are going to have empathy for him but it was the right decision.

I wonder if it was OP not wanting to get married, if you would feel the same as you do now.

No one is really objecting to the partner refusing to get married. Most people here, being English and obsessed with the children’s inheritance of real estate, think that is perfectly normal and reasonable.

The thing that strikes me as twattish is him going from “this is a perfectly honorable long term partnership based on love” to “no future fucking then not even the pretense of civility.”

I wouldn’t expect my ex partner to be happy the relationship was ending but I would also expect some common courtesy about the way we leave it. After all its perfectly normal for relationships to break down over time if they are not progressing. OP told him her bottom line and he accepted that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. Why the spiteful rage? Does it turn out that he actually needed her money and company? Perhaps he should have thought that through and opened negotiations.

I’d rather be in OP’s situation than his. She can move out and find housing. But he has lost a second woman and sounds like he might lose as much or more of the house as if it had been a divorce. Sucks to be him.