Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Misogyny at ifs finest. They were supposed to be in a committed... loving, equal relationship.

The OP should have given more thought to the timing of her ultimatum. Or perhaps not issued one if she wasn't prepared to follow through.

Her offer to leave accepted?! What a bizarre way to put that, she doesn’t need him to accept it. As for not being in a hurry, it’s literally just happened, how fast do you think it’s possible to rent a new place?

Maybe she hoped he could act like a reasonable adult, that’s her only flaw here.

She is prepared to follow through. Just not within 24 hours at a weekend.

He has always said - I don't want to get married.

The OP said - Marry me or I leave.

He said, again - I don't want to get married.

The OP should ... leave.

If he turns round and agrees to marry you what would you do?

As I said, she should have given more thought to the timing. She was the one who chose to issue an ultimatum at the weekend, with nothing planned for the not at all unlikely possibility that he would refuse to be coerced into marriage.

So she should have rented a place just in case?! Yes how very realistic. Funny how all the talk of rent suddenly changes at this point.

He has always said he doesn’t want to marry.
She has said she does.
He wanted her to move in and invited her to live with him, he has to deal with the consequences of that just as much as she does, and part of that is her having a reasonable amount of time to move back out.

Why are you so determined to make her the bad guy here? She’s done nothing wrong.

It's his property but he offered it as a home for her and her kids; it would be unreasonable of him to expect her to move out in a matter of days. If he didn't want to face this situation in the event of a breakup, he shouldn't have invited her to reside there.

I think you made a sensible plan. Unfortunately, you are not on the same page and you have to walk away.

Why are you so determined to make her the bad guy here?

I have my thoughts on that. Remember not everyone who posts here is a woman.

So true. He has to accept some responsibility for this situation too. It wasn’t wise of either of them to enter into this arrangement really, but now they have they should deal with the consequences as maturely and peacefully as possible since kids are involved.

I think it’s very normal to have a gap in between breaking up and moving out. I mean what if an issue comes up unexpectedly and a couple argue then one decides to move out or is kicked out? They wouldn’t normally be expected to leave the same day, especially if they have kids.

If it drags on longer than one month it’ll an issue but if Op can move in a matter of weeks, it should be fine.

It doesn’t bode well that he said he’s not going to be nice anymore, but I can totally understand why he’s cancelling day trips etc.

But she knew he didn’t want marriage.

She’s known that for the entire relationship.

She knew that if she asks him again and offers him an ultimatum, what his response would be.

So yes, she should have been prepared because she knew before she even asked him what his response would be, because he’s been saying it since the day they met.

This hasn’t come out of the blue.
He hadn’t promised marriage and then changed his mind.
OP wasn’t blindsided.

OP knew that she was going to end the relationship before asking that question.

So yes, she should have got her ducks in a row and at the very least looked what was available for rent in the area before ending the relationship.

She’s now going to have her DCs living in a very uncomfortable household for however long it takes her to make a plan and execute it.

Surely the issuing of the ultimatum should have coincided with having somewhere else to go. As it stands, demands were made and repercussions outlined, but with no ability to see them through in a timely manner. OP’s position should have been: we want different things, I’ve found a rental/house to buy and we are moving on xxx date. Then left with kids and stated the removal date for large items. Wanting to go clothes shopping (with her soon to be ex) and then do the weekly food shop, seem odd if you’re parting ways. If you issue a threat and don’t follow through, it makes you appear weaker not stronger.

OP, reading your recent updates, I can almost guarantee that your partner doesn't think you're serious. Announcing so fast that he is planning to put the house on the market with his blasé 'let me know when you've told the kids' is him attempting to play a massive game of chicken with you. DON'T fall for it. You need to start preparing to follow through with your decision and move out as soon as possible, because in a couple of days time when he realises you're serious, he's going to crank up the hysterical behaviour.

God, he's certainly showing you how he feels now, isn't he? Well done OP. This too shall pass. I agree about Air bnb/holiday rental (also, ask around in case anyone/their parents has an annexe you could rent, for example). Really hope you find somewhere asap.

And by the same token, he knew she wanted to, so he shouldn’t have invited her to move herself and her children into his home. Now he has to take some responsibility for that choice, just as she is.

Why are you only holding her responsible for these choices?

Since money does not seem to be a huge issue for OP (thankfully - good work, OP), in the worst case scenario, she can look for a service apartment or short term let or even a Premier Inn + storage or squeeze into her mother's place, whilst she continues to find a longer term rental.

It is not the end of the world if she has to move out suddenly.

She did not bargain on him being so transactional and expecting her to pay for his mortgage indefinitely with no benefit to herself or her dcs, despite their 5 year relationship. She did not threaten him. She simply reminded him of her redlines.

I wonder whether this haste to get her to tell her dcs and put the house on the market is his way of shocking her back to the reality of leaving him. OP, be strong and don't fall for this. Find another place asap and then find a better relationship.

I'm not saying she's the bad guy. I am saying that he's not the bad guy - as many on this thread are making him out to be. He presumably thought things were fine until she suddenly ended the relationship because of something he was always open and up front about - ie, not wanting to get married.

You're not compatible, OP.

Please make sure you follow through on your promise to leave the relationship. Don't let him persuade you to stay on his terms.

I never said anything about rent.

Just make a plan to leave and tell him that's what you are doing and go. He was never going to agree to marriage, that was made clear. There was absolutely no need for the ultimatum, he had been clear

Yes we all make mistakes but this is a pretty big one especially when you have kids to consider and no plan in place.

FWIW I hope her XP will allow her to stay to find a place but there is absolutely no point in being unprepared when you are going to make a life change.

Stay calm @Everythingwillbeokk . You were just not suited, you both want different things. You want relationship with commitment. He wants a no commitment girlfriend that will help with housework and bills. It was time to split. No point getting more angry with each other.

Have a look for rentals, see if you can have a 6 month tenancy agreement if you’re looking to buy. It might be worth looking a bit further afield if there’s nothing suitable near the dcs’ schools. I can’t (well, I can really) believe how much of a dick he’s being!

Well then he’s fucking stupid if he thought any woman would be happy to pay his mortgage off for him after he dies, just to hand it all over to his kids. That’s not very bright is it?

I really don’t think it’s backfired either, sounds like the best thing that could have happened for OP. He on the other hand, is now going to have to sell his house because he doesn’t like to be fair to others.