Page 12 | Partner won’t marry me

BirthdayRainbow · 29/09/2024 16:50

araiwa · 29/09/2024 13:15

He is prioritizing his children

I wouldn't want to get married in his position either.

But he's happy to take @Everythingwillbeokk money towards his mortgage🙄.

Good ultimatum but I'd leave anyway. No one really should marry someone when they've forced them into it.

Ohhmydays · 29/09/2024 16:53

I think yabu for staying in this relationship so long. Surely use should have discussed this earlier on in the relationship what each other wanted out a long term relationship

blueshoes · 29/09/2024 16:53

Also - DD and I have done the food shop. Not so delightful DP was quite put out that I’d do a weeks food shopping….. Bearing in mind he is fully aware we have nowhere to go.

OP, why would he be put out by you and dd doing a week's food shopping? I assume you paid for it yourself. Is it because it implies you and your dc are not moving out immediately? Is the food shop also for him and his dc?

If he tries to throw you and your dc out onto the streets out of spite, it might be worth mentioning your 'beneficial interest' in the property as a result of your contributing to the mortgage. That could buy you enough time to settle your family into a more suitable AirBnB even if claiming on the property is not your intention. He does not need to know that.

Thatcat · 29/09/2024 16:53

He’s using you. You’re worth more than this. What about your security and kids?
Buy your own house. You can still be his girlfriend while having your own house and not putting your hard earned cash into paying for his mortgage. I really hope you leave him and go through with your plan. Get your own home and if you want, another man who wants what you want.

ClassicStripe · 29/09/2024 16:55

Well done OP. I wish I had done similar however I had faith for too many years and believed his excuses reasons and now I'm stuck in an impossible situation as all our money is tied up and our two kids have his name. I am not exaggerating when I say him refusing to marry me has marred all of my adult life (been together since we were 21).

BlackShuck3 · 29/09/2024 16:55

@Choochoo21
You seem to have posted on the wrong thread (or have not read any of OP's posts?).

MarkingBad · 29/09/2024 16:55

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 16:45

OP didnt ”try to coerce” him or “threaten “ him—what odd ideas people do have to be sure. She stated her goals for the relationship and he rejected them. So she has to move out but this isn’t a punishment or a flaw in her reasoning. Its the natural result of having a frank discussion about the future with a future faker.

It is he who is going to be screwed, long term, as he couldn’t manage his household finances without her help. He will now need to take in a lodger who will not have sex with him, or care for him, or help him with his children. Suddenly the invisible wife work she was doing has become visible and he’s big mad that his unvalued female tool turns out to know how to value herself.

Op you have had a lucky escape!

OP threatened to leave if he didn't comply with her wishes.

OP knew his stance on marriage

OP knew her contribution is keeping the housing situation afloat.

So in that position she knew it is almost certain that her partner couldn't keep a roof over his own childrens head if she left. OP knew her ultimatum would destabilise both of them and their children if he refused to comply.

OP knew exactly what she was doing in her ultimatum, it was designed to force him into marriage. Pure manipulation.

That is coercion and a threat

MumblesParty · 29/09/2024 16:56

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but where did you live before you moved in with him?

NameChangeUser183794639 · 29/09/2024 16:56

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Girl you are doing the right thing. Don't let him take anymore of your good years. You deserve commitment, stay strong. Don't give in and carry on doing what you're doing! 🏅

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 16:56

Why is it so hard to recognize shitty treatment? If you think she is just a lodger then she hasn’t committed some weird sin by giving her notice. The landlord doesn’t get to stop lawful service just because you give notice that you will leave. What if she has paid through next month?

If you think she is an ex lover then she is still entitled to kindness and consideration even though he has decided he doesn’t want her to live with him with any security. Just because the relationship ends does that mean any amount of snotty treatment is ok?

Naunet · 29/09/2024 16:56

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2024 16:33

@Hedgewitch123

So you have a fair deal as does partner youre both happy with.... op has no fair deal.

Yes indeed. I don’t disagree that this guy has behaved like a complete turd. I just take issue with the idea that it’s incumbent on people who are in a committed relationship to get married if it disadvantages their kids, it’s just not that black and white.

I think also (no disrespect intended to the OP as I don’t know the background), some women enter a relationship when they have children assuming that the new partner will “take care of” them and their kids and don’t really ask the tough questions about what’s involved financially.

People should always prioritise their existing children over any new relationship so this seems short sighted. I don’t think blended families are always a bad idea but I think if you have children you have to be prepared to financial responsibility for them and not just take as read that it’s the new partner’s responsibility to do this unless they have explicitly stated that they want to.

Another one missing the fact the OP is the bread winner here and has been financing his children. He can’t afford the house without her. Sexism seems to blind some people.

Seeingadistance · 29/09/2024 16:56

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 16:45

OP didnt ”try to coerce” him or “threaten “ him—what odd ideas people do have to be sure. She stated her goals for the relationship and he rejected them. So she has to move out but this isn’t a punishment or a flaw in her reasoning. Its the natural result of having a frank discussion about the future with a future faker.

It is he who is going to be screwed, long term, as he couldn’t manage his household finances without her help. He will now need to take in a lodger who will not have sex with him, or care for him, or help him with his children. Suddenly the invisible wife work she was doing has become visible and he’s big mad that his unvalued female tool turns out to know how to value herself.

Op you have had a lucky escape!

She did try to coerce him - he has stated from the beginning of the relationship that he didn't want to get married and why. Her threat is in the first post, and the thread title - she gave him an ultimatum. Marry me or I leave. An ultimatum is by its very nature, a threat.

He still doesn't want to marry her (no future faking here - he has always been clear that he didn't want to get married) so she needs to follow through on her own words, and leave.

Naunet · 29/09/2024 16:59

MarkingBad · 29/09/2024 16:55

OP threatened to leave if he didn't comply with her wishes.

OP knew his stance on marriage

OP knew her contribution is keeping the housing situation afloat.

So in that position she knew it is almost certain that her partner couldn't keep a roof over his own childrens head if she left. OP knew her ultimatum would destabilise both of them and their children if he refused to comply.

OP knew exactly what she was doing in her ultimatum, it was designed to force him into marriage. Pure manipulation.

That is coercion and a threat

Show quote history

Women don’t owe men a relationship FFS. She’s entitled to state what she wants, just as he is, and if she doesn’t get it, leave, as she’s doing.

ginasevern · 29/09/2024 16:59

GrumpyOldGran · 29/09/2024 16:14

I'm reading something differently to you.

Have you seen that should he die, he expects the OP to carry on paying the mortgage for his kid's sake, but that she won't get a penny from its sale?

Also, if she was a lodger she'd sign up to that knowingly.

She didn't.

Edited

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Ah sorry, didn't note that bit. He'd have to stipulate a Life Interest Trust or Right of Occupany for the OP in his will with his children as sole beneficiaries upon her death or sale of the property (whichever comes first). Even so, as she would've been paying the mortgage presumably for some years she may ultimately have a claim for beneficial or equitable interest in the property. She should seek legal advice on all these points. However, her best course of action (as she has children to consider) is to buy her own property which I believe she intends to do.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2024 17:02

@Naunet

Another one missing the fact the OP is the bread winner here and has been financing his children. He can’t afford the house without her. Sexism seems to blind some people.

I had missed that yes. If she’s the breadwinner why on God’s green earth does she want to get married?

JohnCravensNewsround · 29/09/2024 17:02

Your future self will thank you.

ButternutSoup · 29/09/2024 17:02

I'm so sorry that someone who is supposed to love and care for you is treating you in this callous way. But at least he's honest, now you know where you stand.

Seeingadistance · 29/09/2024 17:04

Naunet · 29/09/2024 16:59

Women don’t owe men a relationship FFS. She’s entitled to state what she wants, just as he is, and if she doesn’t get it, leave, as she’s doing.

Show quote history

Well, quite, but having had her offer to leave accepted, she's not in a hurry to go, and seems quite put out that her now ex-partner, she having effectively ended the relationship, doesn't want to have a day out with her as well as expecting her to actually leave.

Hedgewitch123 · 29/09/2024 17:05

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 16:45

OP didnt ”try to coerce” him or “threaten “ him—what odd ideas people do have to be sure. She stated her goals for the relationship and he rejected them. So she has to move out but this isn’t a punishment or a flaw in her reasoning. Its the natural result of having a frank discussion about the future with a future faker.

It is he who is going to be screwed, long term, as he couldn’t manage his household finances without her help. He will now need to take in a lodger who will not have sex with him, or care for him, or help him with his children. Suddenly the invisible wife work she was doing has become visible and he’s big mad that his unvalued female tool turns out to know how to value herself.

Op you have had a lucky escape!

This 100% op you have had a lucky escape.

blueshoes · 29/09/2024 17:05

Naunet · 29/09/2024 16:56

Another one missing the fact the OP is the bread winner here and has been financing his children. He can’t afford the house without her. Sexism seems to blind some people.

Show quote history

Good on OP. It is so rare on mn that the woman has the upper hand financially. It is something to celebrate.

Although she is writing off her previous contributions, she still has her earning power which will keep her and her dcs in good stead for the future as well as a healthy inheritance to come.

He really let her get away. He and his dcs will be poorer for it.

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 17:06

Seeingadistance · 29/09/2024 17:04

Well, quite, but having had her offer to leave accepted, she's not in a hurry to go, and seems quite put out that her now ex-partner, she having effectively ended the relationship, doesn't want to have a day out with her as well as expecting her to actually leave.

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She’s in a great hurry to go but it’s quite hard to find somewhere else and make all the arrangements on a Sunday!

GivingitToGod · 29/09/2024 17:06

GreekDogRescue · 29/09/2024 15:54

I can’t get over that you’re doing all the cleaning and still paying rent
unbelievable!

Because OP is earning and living there with her children!

blueshoes · 29/09/2024 17:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2024 17:02

@Naunet

Another one missing the fact the OP is the bread winner here and has been financing his children. He can’t afford the house without her. Sexism seems to blind some people.

I had missed that yes. If she’s the breadwinner why on God’s green earth does she want to get married?

So true. I will repeat - Lucky Escape.

Opensesameseeds · 29/09/2024 17:07

Yes he sounds like he was using you to stay in the family house unfortunately . I know you have kids so it’s different but as a child free woman this is one reason I don’t date divorced men with kids. A lot of them I’ve encountered appear to be looking for help more than love.

That said it sounds as if he made his position clear about marriage so what were you expecting? I don’t think any of you are BU in what you want for the future, but it seems you have both muddled along ignoring that you are incompatible

I think he should give you 30 days to find somewhere but after that you really need to go. Hopefully police will not be necessary.

It really wasn’t a great idea to bring your children into this situation knowing how he felt, hope you can all learn from this. And also ask yourself why you put up with doing most of the housework and him saying it makes him “angry” if it’s not done. That was a major red flag considering you’re WFH full-time and you paid your own way. It’s not as if he was financially supporting you to just stay at home and could then reasonably expect you to do most of the domestic stuff in return.

MarkingBad · 29/09/2024 17:07

Naunet · 29/09/2024 16:59

Women don’t owe men a relationship FFS. She’s entitled to state what she wants, just as he is, and if she doesn’t get it, leave, as she’s doing.

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I agree they are both free to leave the relationship for whatever reason at any point in their lives. Expecting to stay on in the house after the ultimatum has blown everything up and not having planned for that is what is off here.

That her partner is hurt by an ultimatum that destablises everything he has invested in for 3 years is perfectly reasonable too. No one owes anyone a relationship, especially when he has had a long term view on marriage the OP well knows about.