Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Can’t move in with mum - her house doesn’t fit us. She’s got one spare single bedroom that’s it.

His kids are similar ages to mine but slightly older.

The mortgage has gone up since his marital split - I do think him struggling to pay it was part of the reason he asked me to move in. But now it’s gone up even more, he definitely can’t afford it without me

I earn around £30k per annum more than him, so I’m not too concerned about our finances.

Also people who have said for me to consult a solicitor and see if I have a claim against his property - I’m not interested in doing this. None of my wanting to progress our relationship has ever been for finances, it’s been for security and not the risk of being made homeless in old age or at the drop of a hat. Morally I also always would have financially looked after his children too, because that’s just the right thing to do isn’t it

It’s not unusual to contribute to the costs of the house you live in. It’s really no different to paying a share of the rent if they were in a rented property.

He’s hardly been rinsing her for cash and financially abusing her. MN has a word for men who live rent free in their partner’s house…cocklodger. This would be no different.

It's in your first post, OP. You said that unless he married you, you would leave. He has been clear from the start that he didn't want to get married. He still doesn't.

You can't and shouldn't coerce or threaten someone into marriage.

I don't see what the guy has done wrong. He made his position clear from the start.

You are the one who has ended this relationship, you said you would leave, so that's what you need to do.

This is absolutely insane. Surely can't be true. Who would even say that and be sane?

No one would agree to pay someone else's mortgage to only benefit the other person's kids.

@Everythingwillbeokk DEFINITELY stop paying his mortgage.

Buy your OWN place and be 100% independent.

Op isn’t a tenant as he lives there too. There is no set notice period for a lodger. Generally it’s the same period of time between rental payments. Op probably pays monthly so it’s a month. However, as I and others have pointed out, if op can claim she’s contributed towards the mortgage on the house, she may be entitled to a small share of the property, by registering an interest in the property. Not something I’d generally say. But he’s acting so abhorrently. As for notice, on a rental it’s 2 months. But that’s a notice to quit, not an eviction notice.

@Hedgewitch123

So you have a fair deal as does partner youre both happy with.... op has no fair deal.

Yes indeed. I don’t disagree that this guy has behaved like a complete turd. I just take issue with the idea that it’s incumbent on people who are in a committed relationship to get married if it disadvantages their kids, it’s just not that black and white.

I think also (no disrespect intended to the OP as I don’t know the background), some women enter a relationship when they have children assuming that the new partner will “take care of” them and their kids and don’t really ask the tough questions about what’s involved financially.

People should always prioritise their existing children over any new relationship so this seems short sighted. I don’t think blended families are always a bad idea but I think if you have children you have to be prepared to financial responsibility for them and not just take as read that it’s the new partner’s responsibility to do this unless they have explicitly stated that they want to.

Time to move on, he has made his point and is a selfish tw@ .

Surely life insurance would've paid off any mortgage if he dies

It sounds like a lucky escape- hope you find something soon - how long have you been paying towards his mortgage for?

Fair enough on not wanting a claim to his property. I'm happy that you are the higher earner.

As to your mum's house - could you make it work? You and mum share a room, the kids share the spare room? Or someone on one of those inflatable beds in the lounge? I realize it would be tight but .... you wouldn't have to put up with his snark.

Get your valuable and sentimental items out of his house ASAP. Good luck!

I agree, I don't think you're thinking straight either.

I honestly don't think you're in a position to just tell him you're staying put until you find somewhere. It's his house and you're poking the bear by saying you could call the Police.

You have no legal right to stay in the house. If you call the Police, you'll be the one they ask to leave. You don't have children together or any legal ties.

What you need to do is sit down and have a very calm conversation with him about moving out and the time you need to find somewhere. Take the heat out of the situation and be calm not combative.

Being a girlfriend has an expiry date.

All these people calling the guy names and saying his behaviour is abhorrent...

It was the OP who ended the relationship. She tried to coerce him into marriage by saying she would leave if he didn't do what she wanted. He declined to play her game - she now has to leave, as that's what she said she'd do if he didn't agree to marriage.

The OP played a silly game and has won the prize she deserves!

Do what is right for you OP and be happy. You could still see each other if you wished to but you want your independence so get it. And also, I would do all you can to get a mortgage for a property yourself or some sort of housing thing where you partially buy a place. Whatever works for you.

Good luck.

You can't keep a mortgage once you're dead? What's he talking about?

No more selfish than to keep pressing for a situation he has been absolutely clear about not wanting.

If someone has stated loud and clear they don' want something why keep pushing it. That is just as selfish and twatty as anything he has done. Frankly when my XPs kept pushing for marriage I canned it quickly, that's all he is guilty of here.

They both contribute to the household, you can't blame a parent for looking out for their kids, you can't blame them for being gunshy after a bad marriage.

You cannot issue an ultimatum that threatens someone and then expect them to play nice until you can find a place to stay. The OP knew his position on it, it was on her to make sure she had something in places just in case the balloon went up. We all make mistakes but the shock that he said no yet again is something that could very well have been predicted.

Ultimatums are the pits, just leave if you are unhappy rather than blow everything apart.

Even so, she’d be living in the children’s house and should be paying rent. Don’t we all pay to live

Also people who have said for me to consult a solicitor and see if I have a claim against his property - I’m not interested in doing this. None of my wanting to progress our relationship has ever been for finances, it’s been for security and not the risk of being made homeless in old age or at the drop of a hat. Morally I also always would have financially looked after his children too, because that’s just the right thing to do isn’t it

OP, that makes for a cleaner break. Write it off as rent you would have had to pay anyway.

Does mean you cannot 'threaten' to make a claim on the property as a way of making him behave. Whilst it is not your motivator, looks like money talks for him. It is the way to kick him in the nuts. Just one to keep up your sleeve if he starts becoming more disruptive.

Sounds like he shot himself in the foot by being so frank with you. He is letting the person who has been subsidising and facilitating his lifestyle get away. You are actually fortunate he did - his big mistake and he will realise it soon. It is a lucky escape for you and your dc.

He didn’t want a relationship with you as a person he wanted a relationship to have access to your earnings so he could use all of your money to pay his house for his children and leave yours without. Also he wanted a housekeeper to clean his house and make his meals and no doubt parent children. He doesn’t deserve help from anyone he has been actively trying to financially abuse you. I would also contact a solicitor to try and gain compensation for the money that you’ve already lost. Good luck OP.

@Everythingwillbeokk too late for OP, but I would urge anyone to have the conversation before moving in together or having children/any other big commitment. Make sure you are on the same page. If you are not, don’t make any decisions hoping he will change his mind. Cut your losses and give yourself the opportunity of meeting someone who will happily meet your needs and be a partner in every sense of the word.

You are being unreasonable by staying with him. Up sticks and move to your own place,
My legs would be tighter shut than a submarine hatch

OP didnt ”try to coerce” him or “threaten “ him—what odd ideas people do have to be sure. She stated her goals for the relationship and he rejected them. So she has to move out but this isn’t a punishment or a flaw in her reasoning. Its the natural result of having a frank discussion about the future with a future faker.

It is he who is going to be screwed, long term, as he couldn’t manage his household finances without her help. He will now need to take in a lodger who will not have sex with him, or care for him, or help him with his children. Suddenly the invisible wife work she was doing has become visible and he’s big mad that his unvalued female tool turns out to know how to value herself.

Op you have had a lucky escape!

OP you'll be fine, he's shot himself in both feet, chased away his golden goose etc.
What a tool he is, you are well rid (& well out of his league!).

If his DC (sounds like they are teens/pre teens ) say to him "Dad , why are you letting Every leave , she's the best thing that has happened to you and I haven't seen you happier than you've been these last three years"
and he has an epiphany and proposes .........will you still walk ?

I agree.

This hasn’t come as a shock because you’ve always known this to be the case.

You also told him you want to separate so I’m not sure why you are acting surprised that he doesn’t want to do things with you like a couple and wants you out of his house.

I’m also not sure why you even mentioned contacting the police when you say he’s never been aggressive towards you.

I agree with PPs who say you’re not thinking straight right now.

You are living in his home and you’ve ended the relationship.

Instead of being annoyed at him or trying to play the victim, I would be apologising to him for breaking his heart and ending the relationship.
Tell him that you thought you would be ok with no marriage or mortgage but you’re not and you have no choice but to end it.

If you have a bit of compassion for what he’s going through right now, then he may have some compassion for you and allow you to live in his home for longer.