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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I bu to feel that this is an inappropriate thing to say to a parent who's lost lost their child?

185 replies

EnfysHeulenEira · 29/09/2024 08:29

Lost my son Isaac six moths ago to neroblastoma; it was absolutely the worst Time or our lives.

At the time we go so many people comment. Post or text

oh that's so, I'll give my littles a extra big squeeze tonight: I don't think I'd still be here if I was you, I'd have killed myself

I mean thanks I guess, I've got 2 year old and I am 39 weeks pregnant.I can't give up, my babies need me.

I saw a woman who used to be good friends with me before Isaac died and then dropped me when he died, said to me yesterday. Oh wow you look glowing! I'm so glad you were able to move on and replace Isaac, you know when that sorry thing happened I just couldn't stop crying thinking about my own babies dying I just hug them a little tight now

First of all there is no replacing Isaac! Second of all you knew I was pregnant when we lost him and lastly fuck out about the holding your babies tighter. Someone wrote in a card that was attacked to flowers we got '
sleep well Isaac, will give my baby a big hug tonight'

If you're one of those people who say that, please stop

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 29/09/2024 09:38

Aww OP, such unthinking messages towards you. Thats appalling.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one.

nothingcomestonothing · 29/09/2024 09:38

I'm so sorry OP. I hate beyond all measure any version of ' oh you're so strong I don't know how you do it I'd fall to pieces it if was me'. Well it's not fucking optional, is it? You're not choosing to cope with this, there's just no alternative. People can be idiots.

You didn't ask but just in case it's useful, https://www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk/ and https://www.tcf.org.uk/ are both run/staffed by bereaved parents who get it in ways other people don't.

Child Death Helpline

As bereaved parents, we know how it feels to lose a child and we're here when you want to talk.

https://www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk

GoditsSeptember · 29/09/2024 09:40

I think it's time to shut the door on that particular friendship.

Yes to this. I can't believe how insensitive a comment that was. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry for your loss @EnfysHeulenEira

cestlavielife · 29/09/2024 09:41

Sorry for your loss. They might have been trying but they really got it wrong.
Saying "I don't know what to say" would have been way better. If they are lovely people who helped and supported you and just got it wrong keep.in touch....if not...drop them and avoid

Munie · 29/09/2024 09:41

It's thoughtless and makes it about them, so they shouldn't say it.

But reams and reams of 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' like on here don't actually make anything any better and people don't always want to trot that out impersonally.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/09/2024 09:43

MikeRafone · 29/09/2024 08:53

what words of sympathy would you like said?

Maybe just 'I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there is anything I can do'.

Not the performative 'well I obviously love my kids more than you loved yours as I would have killed myself if it happened to me' or the crass comments about 'replacing' her child.

Selfdestructmodeactivated · 29/09/2024 09:45

I'm so sorry for your loss. Time to cut the insensitive people out of your life. I find I cannot see people in the same way when they fail to console someone who is grieving. To me it's like the ultimate test of character. Look after yourself OP

dafa · 29/09/2024 09:46

So sorry for your loss. 💐

I sometimes feel people don’t know what to say but those comments are just cruel and insensitive! I would defo close the door on those friendships, you don’t need those kind of people around you at what is already a difficult time.

I had a ex-friend tell me, just after I told her our last attempt at IVF for baby no2 had not worked… “be thankful you only have 1, 2 is so hard” literally 5 mins later! That was the last time I saw her. 👋

Pluviophile1 · 29/09/2024 09:48

Nothing can make it better. But an 'I'm so sorry for your loss' isn't going to make it worse, unlike the other insensitive comments. And it is better than saying nothing at all.

Maria1979 · 29/09/2024 09:48

So sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine telling someone who has lost a child that "I will hug mine extra tight". Like what are you supposed to answer; Well, I would like to hug mine as well you know but he's not with us anymore ? That phrase is something you say when you hear something awful happened to children you are not close to. Absolutely not to the bereaved parents !!!

And ofcourse you can't replace a child with another ! How can anyone think that. Another child will bring you joy but you will always be Isaac's mother even if he's not here it doesn't mean he didn't exist or still exists because his absence can never be filled. You can only continue to live with it, cherish his memory and find comfort in people who are sensible to if not understand your loss atleast think before they speak. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.💐

User37482 · 29/09/2024 09:50

Jesus christ thats awful, I’m so sorry for your loss OP 💐

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/09/2024 09:54

Self centred people thinking of their feelings even at that time and not how you are feeling.

Who says this stuff . Attention seekers .

ButterAsADip · 29/09/2024 09:55

Such a mindless thing to say. You see it all the time on social media but it’s another level of insensitivity to say it to someone you actually know in real life!! I’m sorry OP.

PuppiesLove · 29/09/2024 09:57

Those are such stupid things to say. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I just reply straight to such people. "Actually, you would go on because you wouldn't have a choice. You go on for your other children and the people who need you, if you nothing else."

When people tell me I'm so strong, I just tell them, "Not really, I just don't have a choice but to keep going."

BurbageBrook · 29/09/2024 09:57

MikeRafone · 29/09/2024 08:53

what words of sympathy would you like said?

You need to ask?

CuriousGeorge80 · 29/09/2024 09:57

You have done incredibly well not to punch them or tell them to fuck off.

I’m really sorry for your loss. Xx

Grmumpy · 29/09/2024 09:57

I went back to work a week after losing my mum in tragic circumstances. My boss called me in to his office to express his condolences. He said he knew how I felt because he’d put his car in the garage for an exhaust repair recently and got massively overcharged for fixing it. I just said thanks and left for a quick weep in the loo but I never held it against him. He was trying to be nice with limited ability to empathise. So sorry for your loss.

PuppiesLove · 29/09/2024 09:59

Grmumpy · 29/09/2024 09:57

I went back to work a week after losing my mum in tragic circumstances. My boss called me in to his office to express his condolences. He said he knew how I felt because he’d put his car in the garage for an exhaust repair recently and got massively overcharged for fixing it. I just said thanks and left for a quick weep in the loo but I never held it against him. He was trying to be nice with limited ability to empathise. So sorry for your loss.

Ugh, I had someone tell me they knew how I felt because their cat had died (it doesn't compare) or that their grandmother had died. I can sympathise with the grandmother but someone who died in their 90s, in the natural order, is not the same as losing a child.

endofthelinefinally · 29/09/2024 09:59

I am so sorry for your loss, OP, and for the continuing pain of insensitive remarks and otherwise poor behaviour of some people.
I have heard and experienced so many hurtful comments since I lost my son. I agree that some people not knowing what to say is understandable, but comparing my child's death to the death of their dog, for example, is just crass. (This happened to me literally weeks after my child died).
You really do find out who your friends are and eventually you just cut contact with the people who make you feel worse. Flowers

Novaavon · 29/09/2024 10:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Cut these crass and ignorant people out of your life. I cannot believe people could be so thoughtless and insensitive.

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2024 10:01

Grmumpy · 29/09/2024 09:57

I went back to work a week after losing my mum in tragic circumstances. My boss called me in to his office to express his condolences. He said he knew how I felt because he’d put his car in the garage for an exhaust repair recently and got massively overcharged for fixing it. I just said thanks and left for a quick weep in the loo but I never held it against him. He was trying to be nice with limited ability to empathise. So sorry for your loss.

A colleague (who shouldn't have even known about it but a "friend" blabbed to someone who blabbed to someone else) phoned me the first day back after my MC to say that he knew how I felt as he had a cat that died a few years ago. I barely even knew this person and had met him exactly once very briefly
I can laugh about it now but it was awful

Thudercatsrule · 29/09/2024 10:01

Sadly many people are so self centered and selfish these days they dont even realise they are being hurtful with their words.

I'm so sorry for whats happened and anyone that thinks a child can be replaced is an absolute moronic pig.

Gettingbysomehow · 29/09/2024 10:01

OMG what an appalling thing to say. What's wrong with people.

LifeIsNeverKind · 29/09/2024 10:03

Some people really can make any situation about them, can't they? Absolute idiots.
Sending love and strength to you OP x

ExhaustedHousewife · 29/09/2024 10:04

People can be stupid,insensitive,idiots.They make your personal grief about them,they feel uncomfortable in your sadness.They are not good people. I'm sorry you lost your darling Isaac.