Am I bu to feel that this is an inappropriate thing to say to a parent who's lost lost their child?

[EnfysHeulenEira]

Lost my son Isaac six moths ago to neroblastoma; it was absolutely the worst Time or our lives.

At the time we go so many people comment. Post or text

oh that's so, I'll give my littles a extra big squeeze tonight: I don't think I'd still be here if I was you, I'd have killed myself

I mean thanks I guess, I've got 2 year old and I am 39 weeks pregnant.I can't give up, my babies need me.

I saw a woman who used to be good friends with me before Isaac died and then dropped me when he died, said to me yesterday. Oh wow you look glowing! I'm so glad you were able to move on and replace Isaac, you know when that sorry thing happened I just couldn't stop crying thinking about my own babies dying I just hug them a little tight now

First of all there is no replacing Isaac! Second of all you knew I was pregnant when we lost him and lastly fuck out about the holding your babies tighter. Someone wrote in a card that was attacked to flowers we got '
sleep well Isaac, will give my baby a big hug tonight'

If you're one of those people who say that, please stop

Op definitely not appropriate things to say. Even worse to write them down. When you actually have time to think about what you are saying.
I could almost understand people blurting out shite when they don't have time to think and don't know what to say, but need to say something. But not written down.

Sorry for the loss of your precious boy.

Honestly I feel violence on your behalf.

I'm so sorry.

OP, I am so sorry you're dealing with such self-involved people who can only frame the traumatic loss of your son in terms of themselves and how it affects them. Where is their care and concern for you and your family?

It's right up there for me with 'fly high' comments, 'losing battles' to illness, gaining wings, resting in peace/power, etc. Worse still when people tell you it happened for a reason or that some higher power only gave this horror to you because you're strong/needed to learn to be stronger/to teach you something. To me, that's unforgiveable and I cut people out of my life who thought it okay to blame me like that for my loss, as if it was inevitable and I should be okay with it - It's not a compliment, it's not karma, it's just life.

We just don't have good social or cultural words to empathise and comfort those experiencing traumatic loss and grief. It's all sentimental, sanitised, schmaltzy awfulness. You don't realise how awful the clichés are until you lose someone, especially a child.

May the memory of Isaac ever be a blessing.
X x X

I can understand why seeing loss can make people more grateful for what they have. I cannot understand clumsily shoving this in the face of the bereaved. YANBU at all OP, you've faced some very thoughtless and inappropriate comments.

I've also come across situational specific versions of this type of comment/behaviour in relation to things not going right etc. It's never a good look on the commenter. People say some really stupid things.

Yeah they are pricks especially the replacing comments (wtf??) but tbh there's nothing anyone can say really. It's the worst thing that can happen and no platitudes will change that.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I think that sometimes people don't know what to say so just try and say something when it would have been better to just say nothing.
I know its not comparable but when I had a MC at 12 weeks peopel said some awful things but as these were people who I knew loved me and were trying their best I tried to look past the actual words and appreciate the sentiment

what words of sympathy would you like said?

i am so sorry for your loss op

Sorry for your loss of Issac. It's an unimaginable pain hence why people are probably being clumsy in what they say. I know I'm one who say the wrong thing. Not saying that's right. Can't believe the replacement comments!

I'm so sorry OP. What awful, crass nonsense you've had to endure on top of everything. Those sentiments are completely unacceptable. Of course your dear Isaac is irreplaceable, he was a whole little individual person and this new one will be too. What a stupid thing to say.

Are you in the UK? Many of us aren't brilliant at grief here at all and often fall back onto sentimental, toxically positive messaging that makes the sender feel better, not the receiver of the message. I think we fall between having the confidence to express heartfelt emotions and empathy, and for a lot of people, having a religious framework that helps finds the words for you so out comes this rubbish.

I think the mistake is trying to think of something original to say.

'I'm sorry' is a complete sentence.

Ouch! What shitty and foolish hurtful comments. I am so sorry for your loss.

Utterly disgusting thing to say, cut the person from your life and tell them why.

So so sorry for your loss OP. Sending love to you, your family and Isaac ❤️

WTF!

I'm so sorry OP. Losing a child is not how the order of life flows 😢 sending a hug.

You know a few odd people with messages like that. 🤬😱🤬😱 It's hard to comprehend wtf they were thinking! Pls don't dwell on them. The majority of us wouldn't know what to say except be there for you all. 🥰

I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son Isaac.

And yes, those comments are unbelievably awful and crass. What on earth is wrong with some people? I hope you received many more thoughtful comments and actual support from the loving and caring people in your life.

I agree with @Apollo365

You can do whatever you like. Tell them how hurtful their comment was. They'll probably create a fuss but sometimes it can be good to have something to fight against.

Replacing Isaac? Oh my god, that’d win an award for insensitivity and stupidity. Course you don’t replace a child, to think you do is quite unbelievable.

I lost our first child later on in pregnancy and was urged by one stupid friend to think of our ordeal as a ‘practice labour’ for when we did actually have what she’d term a proper child. Needless to say she was binned. Really upsetting at such an awful time.

Some people sadly show their true colours at tragic times and it feels like a proper kicking. I am so sorry for your loss. You must be heartbroken.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Did you get any messages that felt supportive, or more soothing than these awful ones? Could you please share them with us if you feel it’s appropriate?

Surely it’s not difficult to write a short message of sympathy and care, focused on the person who has passed? How lovely/bright/lively/kind they were, and how the grieving family is in your thoughts?

No mention of how you might respond to such a loss is ever appropriate, nor is advice to those grieving on how to do so.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

Some people really are shocking, they should think before they speak!

Utterly appalling. It can be difficult to know what to say to someone in horrific devastation but these comments are at best inappropriate selfish and hurtful. At worst they are deeply rude, insensitive and down right shitty. I find the disgusting people who run to their face book to post these comments and what they would do in your circumstances absolutely abhorrent. They make it about themselves and you can feel your own grief and families agony is almost tarnished. It isn’t. Don’t let them in to your circle to feed on your families grief.

I would like to add my condolences for you and your family.

You are so right @EnfysHeulenEira We don't know what to say - even "I'm sorry for your loss" isn't the best response.

The Good Grief Trust may be helpful.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Those comments are honestly disgusting. What is wrong with some people!

I'm so, so sorry OP for what you've been through.

I'm so sorry that people are such selfish inconsiderate arseholes too.

I think it depends on the age of the child, and how well you know them.

'I'm sorry' really is enough. But also tell them you love them.

The problem with cards and messages are that there are so many you really only remember the terrible ones.

The best thing you can do is keep checking in.

My son was a teenager when he died, and what I love most is people messaging me out of the blue to say they were thinking of him and tell me why.

That's harder to do when a very young child dies.