Am I bu to feel that this is an inappropriate thing to say to a parent who's lost lost their child?

[EnfysHeulenEira]

Lost my son Isaac six moths ago to neroblastoma; it was absolutely the worst Time or our lives.

At the time we go so many people comment. Post or text

oh that's so, I'll give my littles a extra big squeeze tonight: I don't think I'd still be here if I was you, I'd have killed myself

I mean thanks I guess, I've got 2 year old and I am 39 weeks pregnant.I can't give up, my babies need me.

I saw a woman who used to be good friends with me before Isaac died and then dropped me when he died, said to me yesterday. Oh wow you look glowing! I'm so glad you were able to move on and replace Isaac, you know when that sorry thing happened I just couldn't stop crying thinking about my own babies dying I just hug them a little tight now

First of all there is no replacing Isaac! Second of all you knew I was pregnant when we lost him and lastly fuck out about the holding your babies tighter. Someone wrote in a card that was attacked to flowers we got '
sleep well Isaac, will give my baby a big hug tonight'

If you're one of those people who say that, please stop

These people really are thick, immensely fucking stupid actually.

Cut them out.

Sorry for you loss OP

https://www.refugeingrief.com/blog/help-a-friend-video

Of course the comments you cite are crass beyond words, OP. I think there are multiple reasons for this. Most PP are not wrong.

I too am so sorry for both you and Isaac. Life can be cruel.

Oh gosh. Completely inappropriate. And sounds like a case of very much engaging mouth before (sounds like very limited) brain. I’d be tempted to call it out, gently if you want to keep the friendship, not so much if you don’t. Eg the “I’d have killed myself” = “Really? You’d have left your other children motherless as well as dealing with the loss of a much loved sibling. Would you really?”. And let them reflect on the actual impact of their words. A proper friend will apologise and think twice before doing it again…. (So very sorry for your loss.)

I do worry about the state of some people's minds these days. Who on earth thinks that's appropriate to say!! What a holes. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Jesus OP, I am so sorry. So sorry for your loss and so sorry people have said that to you.

I’m open mouthed that people can be so self indulgent and mindlessly callous.

Not those ones!

I've never read anything so insensitive

Surely a simple 'I'm so sorry'? Because you would be and you would mean it.

This sums it up: it IS hard to know what to say but some things ought to be obviously wrong- and hugging their own little ones tighter or “ maybe it’s for the best” surely falls in that category.

Its hard to know what to say because there are two conflicting emotions at play: devastation and desperately wanting them - somehow, impossibly - to feel ok as part of an instinct to comfort.

I went to a funeral of a family with several children and at frequent intervals they referenced it and said how lucky they were to have others. And of course that is a helpful thing in healing, a “ way back” to fighting on and to joy again, and of course they are still just as adoring of those children ; but after it had been said a few times, it started to sound a bit dismissive to me of the child who had died. So even grieving families struggle with what to say. We all struggle because it is just utter and abject pain. I’m so sorry for the losses of those on this thread.

Oh my gosh some people are just so
thoughtless.
So so sorry for your loss. And that's sounds like nothing but there are no words to make you feel better. So sorry.

How about expressing condolences and offering to make some meals/ take on some chores, something to ease the load, especially as OP had a child and was pregnant?

You know, something reaching outward to OP Instead of mawkish sentiment referring back to themselves.

Exactly.

Fucking grim OP. I'm so sorry.

See also: 'everything happens for a reason'.

Oh fuck off no it doesn't.

I think a lot of people struggle with what to say or do in the face of someone else’s loss, especially when it’s as unimaginable as the loss of a child.

Years ago people would swerve it or just fade out of touch if they didn’t know how to react; now they parrot the self-centred platitudes and fakery of social media ‘grieving’. This has more to do with them demonstrating what they believe is their own emotional sensitivity than any genuine empathy for the bereaved - “Look how upset I am because of what happened to you”. ‘Squeezing my babies extra tight’ is something you see when there’s been a public tragedy; it’s not something the same idiots should ever say directly to a mother who’s lost a child, FFS. All of it seems to come directly from that “sleep tight, one more angel in heaven” phrasebook of plastic nothings that get rolled out online by the hard of thinking.

As for the ‘replaced’ comment, I have no words - other than being sorry that you ever had to hear it. WTAF is wrong with that woman?!

People can say terrible things at the best of times, but it’s much worse when they actually think they’re being kind and supportive. On balance it was probably easier when they said nothing at all.

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your little boy x

That's awful. I used to get 'well at least you know you can get pregnant. Great thanks for that!

I think it's time to shut the door on that particular friendship.

I'm sorry to all the women who have experienced shitty comments too

Thank you for helping me to feel like I want to run her over next time I see her 😳

Those comments are inappropriate, crass and downright horrible and the people who say them are just awful, they are essentially saying Look at me, look how lucky I am to still have my child, you can't hug your child anymore but I can and I have to make sure you know that. Just dreadful. Unfortunately there are threads on here where posters say it, you have to be a really low kind of person to do it because it is not about offering sympathy to the bereaved mother it is a performance and all about the person saying it.

I am sorry to hear of your loss EnfysHeulenEira and that you have been subjected to those hideous comments.

This is such a good video and worth watching. It’s about acknowledging someone’s pain and allowing them to have and experience that pain.

I think some people just don't know what to say and worry so much they are going to say something inappropriate so they end up saying the wrong thing. They might have cringed afterwords thinking what the fuck did I just say

I am so sorry to hear what happened to your dear son.
I am beyond speechless hearing the things some people have said to you - what can they be thinking of? - themselves I guess.

You are right those are terrible insensitive things to say. It beggars belief really thar people could be so thoughtless and crass.

I'm so sorry.

I’m so sorry you lost your Isaac💐
Why do people say stupid things that stab you rather than I’m sorry for your loss, can I do any little thing to help your family atm? I don’t know, I had some fucking awful comments too when DH died. I think it’s because people think of themselves in that moment rather than who they should be thinking of.

Yes they are fucking AWFUL things to say.
My daughter was stillborn and it turned out she had a few issues that we didn’t know until after she was born (these things were unlikely to be the reason she died, we still don’t know)
Anyway, we had “it was probably for the best”, “you’ll get over it, keep trying”, “ah she would have been disabled would she, ah then, maybe for the best”.
Jesus Christ what’s wrong with people!?!
Im so sorry for your loss xx

Awful messages. People can mean well but still say such awful things about bereavements. Really “I am so sorry for your loss and I am thinking of you - please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you” is all anyone needs to say - but lots of people try to be original and just end up being offensive.

When I told my friend about my dad receiving a terminal diagnosis, she said 'Well, it's what God wants'. Reader, at that moment, I very much did not care about what God wanted.

People find talking about death difficult. Some people don't engage their brain before opening their mouth.

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure that extra hurt in addition to losing your precious Isaac.

You're surrounded by grade A insensitive pricks! None of those are appropriate responses on hearing about the death of a child, not one of them. So many people are just adept at turning any devastating event, into it being about them!

I'm so sorry for your loss and of course Isaac won't ever be replaced, his presence will always be felt x

Yes they are inappropriate but people really do not know what to say, unfortunately some people just avoid the bereaved parent which also isn't right.

Because of my work I do have to encounter this too often, my expression is always "I'm so sorry, let me know what we can do" (nature of my work) "do you want to talk?" Then listen, if you need to interject then a simple "I couldn't imagine" or "that's so hard" or just general agreeing with what they are saying eg a lady said she needs to push on for her 2 year old despite being only 5 days away from loosing her 5 year old, and I replied that they were most welcome and if she wanted space a volunteer could watch her 2 year old and she could be in a side room, I also agreed with her "I need to push on for the remaining child" but its concurring with their sentiment rather than imposing a thought