I hate how I've let myself go

[rustyspoon45]

I'm late thirties but truly feel I've aged beyond belief in the last year or so.
I've put on so much weight. I've always yo-yoed but now I'm 12 stone and pushing a size 16 which is the biggest I've ever been. It's my own fault because I over eat, I make bad choices and I drink too much. I have no time for exercise and even if I did I'm too exhausted.
My hair is a mess. I'm wrinkled and bloated. I have no nice clothes because I don't have the time or money to shop. I just look like shit.
I keep telling myself that as dc get older and I get a bit more time back I can make positive changes. Right now it's full on with a toddler and tween. I lurch from one hectic day to the next with no forward planning or preparation for myself (just for them!)
But realistically I think it's downhill from here. I don't think I will get this weight off like I used to be able to in my twenties because frankly I don't have the motivation. When the dc are finally in bed all I want to do is sit down with a glass of wine or a cuppa and a bar of chocolate. I know these things are bad but they relax me.
I just can't stand looking at photos of myself and I'm getting where I don't even want to go out and see people. I just want to my at home in my safe space where nobody can see me.
I'm not a vain person and I know there's so much more than appearance but I'm shocked at how quickly my looks seem to have just gone.

Start small. Cut the chocolate and wine out asap and don't eat anything after dinner even if you feel hungry. Instead of the wine etc get up and put a face pack on / dye your hair - do something nice for yourself. Give yourself 1 treat day in the week. I bet you will start to look and feel better one you start giving yourself some attention.

Solidarity sister!

This.

I’m in a similar position. I’m horrified when I see photos of myself.

Your post describes me. By the time my child is in bed and I've finished my housework/job, it's 10 and I just want chocolate. What makes me feel worse is my husband seems to be getting better with age and people must think, "WTF is he doing with her." No advice, just solidarity.

All good ideas, I am going to take a bit of this on in my evenings once my dc goes to bed!

I could have written this post.

Life can really be draining can’t it 😭 you might not feel up for my below advice tonight so feel free to ignore it for now, but maybe if you’re having a better day next week you could give it some thought.

The first/best thing to tackle would be the exhaustion. You can’t realistically make any other changes until you are sufficiently rested. Do you have any family support etc that you could utilise to get a couple of nights decent sleep? Is there anything you can change about your sleep routines at home (e.g. the wine… sorry! It helps us doze off but doesn’t promote a restful sleep). Can you speak to your GP about energy levels and poor sleep? Is there something they could prescribe to help? Is your toddler a problem at night, can GP offer any advice there? Are you at least catching up on sleep at weekends? Have chill days at home and keep a regular sleep routine rather than staying up late.

Once you’re getting sleep, the other things will come in time. Can tween help with chores for some pocket money? Can you take family walks together, can you dance around the living room with the toddler for some exercise? Anything free and low maintenance, give it a try for a few days and see how you get on. Can you get a haircut, something low maintenance? Drink water, wear suncream, moisturise.

Don’t deprive yourself of anything. I would happily eat a huge slab of Dairy milk in bed every night, but I know I can’t. Doesn’t mean I can’t have any - I’ll have 4-8 squares. I have takeaways every weekend, and I go for a walk and do a 20 mins Pilates video. And sometimes I don’t do it and that’s fine, there’s always tomorrow.

Don't put it off, it just gets more difficult once you hit menopausal age, and the skin becomes less elastic leading to more wrinkles.

I too could have written this post. My DH who is 17 years older than me somehow looks way better than me. How is that fair😅

Try simple swaps like peppermint tea at the end of the day, try getting in 10k steps a day. Take some time to yourself for exercise each day, yoga/Pilates videos on YouTube. If you feel good on the inside you’ll feel better on outside.

Make small simple changes.

Count calories - you can still have your wine/choc

Walk as much as possible - get a walking pad and go on it when kids are in bed whilst watching tv. Get out for family walks. And all the usual tips like take the stairs instead of the lift, walk instead of driving.

Skincare - night time - cleanser, serum, moisturiser. Add spf 50 on top in the day. Cerave is a good affordable brand as are L’Oréal vitamin c and the Ordinary Hyaluronic acid serums for hydration and brightness.

Buy a 500ml refillable bottle water - drink a full bottle as soon as you wake up, then refill after breakfast, lunch & dinner.

Prioritise sleep - wind down an hour before sleep - eg pj’s on, skincare, read/podcast/audiobook (no screens). Sleep 7-9 hours.

Try and budget and save up for a hair cut and a few basic clothes which you can order online if short of time.

Most importantly don’t wait for motivation to suddenly appear (unlikely to happen) just do it anyway.

I’m going to weight loss injections. Nothing else has worked

I’m 10 years older than you but I felt the same. Life here is pretty hard going for various reasons, and for those same reasons it’s really hard to get out. It’s probably not ever really going to change much.

At the start of August my blood tests showed I was prediabetic. I was really shocked and actually just disgusted with myself.

I love my food and I have a sweet tooth. I don’t do deprivation very well at all so I had never bothered trying to go on a proper diet before.

I settled on the keto diet and I’ve lost 24 pounds in 7 weeks. I have huge lunches and dinners and there are loads of sweet things you can have if you feel the urge.

It works for me because I can’t have “just a little bit” of what I fancy. With keto you just cut out the refined carbs and sugar but there are alternatives so you don’t feel as if you’re missing out, It’s honestly been a revelation and I’m still very firmly on the diet plan, not wobbling at all which I’m gobsmacked about. Honestly, I’m such a pig, if I can do it anyone can 😂

I’m hoping that my next blood test will be back within the healthy range. But what has surprised me is that I have more energy now - I still have loads of weight to lose but I really underestimated how much energy the extra weight was sapping from me.

I just thought I’d share this because I didn’t think I’d lose weight because I’m perimenopausal and I didn’t ever think I’d find a diet that worked. I feel so much better in myself and it’s definitely given my self-esteem a boost just knowing that I can make better choices.

As PP have said, the most important thing is to start making changes now. This is the long haul - if you have a bad day it’s fine, just get back on it tomorrow. Whatever changes you choose to make, the sooner you start the sooner you’ll feel better about yourself. It’s really empowering taking steps to look after yourself - even if it’s just getting better sleep and drinking more water.

Also, I bet you don’t look half as bad as you think. We are so often our own harshest critic ❤️

What everyone above has said. A few months ago my hair had started falling out with stress and was in the worst condition (ever, was terrible). I started drinking more water again and cut back on the stuff that was getting me through the day. Not cutting out and still throwing a treat in there but nothing close to before. Went back to not eating after 8 (craft sets and sometimes going to bed early!) Left a leave in conditioner in and just sat with it in just reading for a treat. That made me feel human and I shaved legs, moisturised etc etc and one thing went to another and I was painting nails and going out for walks. Think back to how much time we spent on ourselves in youth and get back there. We all deserve it- hugs op, I’m not close to feeling normal yet looks wise but I don’t feel like I did

ps consider going against what your gut tells you and buy one or two nice sets of clothes for your size (your gut will tell you to wear whatever you have that can fit on your body) so you’ll feel better because eg tracksuit bottoms or whatever you have will make you feel bleurgh!!

How old are these children op? It makes a difference to some of the advice, if they are still at very demanding ages.

Beyond that I agree with others. First job: sleep. Then water, a vitamin D spray over the winter at least, and choosing one small self-care thing you can do now (haircut, new skincare?).

Hi OP. It is perfectly possible to lose weight if you want to. I'm firmly menopausal at 46 and can lose 2lbs.a week. But you have to really want to.

I also still eat chocolate when I'm calorie counting (though these days I don't like sugary stuff so I eat 90% choc - about 300 cals of it every day). I also have the odd drink, but the hot flushes aren't worth it!

Regarding water, I drink two pints to start the day at the sink, tepid tap water, I just down them. I then have a litre bottle that I drink before lunch and another after lunch. Plus the water in tea and coffee will help, and then another pint with dinner/overnight.

Definitely shave your legs and paint your nails. I always know I'm a bit depressed when these things seem pointless and like too much effort.

Wine before bed is a nightmare for sleep. If you need a drink, have it at 6pm when toddler is in bed, then switch to mint tea. Or I love fennel tea. Or get some fresh mint cheap in the supermarket and make your own mint tea.

When I was in my 20s I got to 12 stone and my GP, very kindly, told me I should think about losing weight. I am 5ft6.

I went home, joined weightwatchers online and lost 18lbs in 12 weeks. I then repeated the Ww after my two children were born. It is doable but you need to want to achieve it. Not suggesting this is right for you, more to prove that it can be done.

Re clothes, can you afford a few £ for something from vinted? I bought a beautiful zara blouse for £3 last week. If you know what size you are, I second the PP above to buy something in the size you are now.

I hope you read this when you wake up and feel a bit motivated. I posted on here two months ago under a different name, because I was feeling very down. Some incredibly kind people took the time to help me with suggestions and it was like a little mini lifeline.

They are young. One a toddler. No family help so life is really just a routine of work, clubs, housework, meals, bedtime, rinse repeat. There really is very little time for 'me' which is partly why I get my hair done literally once or twice a year and never go to the gym. I could manage it maybe once a week but what's the point? That won't make any difference to anything.

I suppose I need small daily changes that I can fit around life. But it all feels overwhelming at the moment.

I started investing 30 mins daily throughout the day, into my own care when I was at that stage.
30 mins is not much, right?
This included -
A few mins doing squats, sit ups, lunges and a plank.
Using a Dd cream every morning
Running a tiny bit of conditioner through my hair before brushing
Chopping some veg for salad or to cook for lunch
Taking some vitamins

Take your toddler out every day and get a good walk or runaround in the park with them.

You need to fetch yourself back then! But you need to have something to come back for, so the focus needs to be on love and care for your precious body, not all this negativity and self hate. So you've not eaten as well as you could or done much grooming for a bit? You've not hurt anybody so why hate yourself for that? You just need to prioritise looking after yourself as best you can. Start with the best most nutritious diet you can afford, some brisk walking to keep your body excercised, some skin and hair TLC, and as much rest and fun as you can squeeze in. Youll feel like a new woman in a month and the changes to your appearance will follow soon after. I know this because i did it for myself and i was 50, so youve got a lot of youth on your side.

@rustyspoon45 I'm in a similar ish position but a fair bit older and I've realised that no one else is going to do it.
Things I'm currently doing

• walking everywhere I can and accepting that I can find those extra few mins as I find time to doom scroll
• forcing myself to drink water
• accepting I'm going to hit a wall at 3pm and having something sweet but attempting portion control
• skincare; cleanser, serum and cream- I do it whilst my youngest brushes her teeth which is sadly nowhere near my bedtime but at least it's done
• at least once a week I go to bed at the same time as the kids (more like twice). I can face the house being a mess in the morning on more energy then stumbling around like a pissed badger at 10pm putting clothes away

And finally... wine

• I love my wine. I'm not giving it up. I've actually upgraded to nice wine on a subscription so I drink slower and enjoy it more and i don't feel like crap the next day

Good luck, genuinely think you can do this

I feel exactly the same. I'm particularly struggling with my weight which is pushing a stone more than my pre-kid body and has gone all on my tummy. In my 20s I'd be able to shift half a stone in a week or two easily, no bother. Now it's ridiculously hard to shift a pound.

I also hate photos ☹️

You are being very hard on yourself! Life is exhausting when you have young kids and are working. Challenge yourself to do one thing a month and build up to other things. So October forfeit the wine, save the money and treat yourself to getting your hair or nails done. Ask a friend to join you for a walk for an hour at the weekend, or take the kids out for fresh air where you can walk.Swap the chocolate bar for a frozen curly wurly they are low calorie compared to most bars. Make a big pan of veg soup and take to work for lunch with fruit.
Little changes can all add up, also a big Vinted fan so no need to spend loads to get a new look.
Be kind to yourself you are doing great 😊

I hear you @rustyspoon45

I'm 40, my DC are a little bit older - one is primary school age and one is secondary school age. I work full time and between that and running them around to clubs/training/matches in the evenings and at weekends, I have very little time to myself.

I'm the biggest I've ever been (13st 4lbs ish), have absolutely no motivation to do exercise and I eat when I'm stressed which is most of the time at work. I don't know where to start, I join weight loss groups on here and stick to it for a week, then have a bad day and it all goes to pieces. I'm exhausted all the time, go to bed far too late but staying up late is the only time I get any peace and quiet or time to myself. I never have any time to myself in the house on my own, DH and/or DC are always here.

I think I've put myself last for so many years that it's alien to them all when I say I want to do something for me and none of them seem to get it. Then I feel selfish (although DH does plenty for himself) and just drop whatever I want to do and I'm back to looking a mess and feeling a stressed.

I feel so sad that I've just let myself go, but also that I don't have any support to help me get back to me ☹️

Start with some micro, micro changes OP. 2 minutes of squats or plank tomorrow, buy yourself something nice on vinted for a tenner and paint your nails.

Lo/no booze is a game changer too. Still get your sense of a treat and honestly the placebo is so powerful i tend to feel a bit pissed! M&S lo alc cocktails are great, rewarding and don't destroy your sleep.

You really can’t find 20/30 min to do some exercise? You have time to drink so you have time to do positive things.