I hate how I've let myself go

[rustyspoon45]

I'm late thirties but truly feel I've aged beyond belief in the last year or so.
I've put on so much weight. I've always yo-yoed but now I'm 12 stone and pushing a size 16 which is the biggest I've ever been. It's my own fault because I over eat, I make bad choices and I drink too much. I have no time for exercise and even if I did I'm too exhausted.
My hair is a mess. I'm wrinkled and bloated. I have no nice clothes because I don't have the time or money to shop. I just look like shit.
I keep telling myself that as dc get older and I get a bit more time back I can make positive changes. Right now it's full on with a toddler and tween. I lurch from one hectic day to the next with no forward planning or preparation for myself (just for them!)
But realistically I think it's downhill from here. I don't think I will get this weight off like I used to be able to in my twenties because frankly I don't have the motivation. When the dc are finally in bed all I want to do is sit down with a glass of wine or a cuppa and a bar of chocolate. I know these things are bad but they relax me.
I just can't stand looking at photos of myself and I'm getting where I don't even want to go out and see people. I just want to my at home in my safe space where nobody can see me.
I'm not a vain person and I know there's so much more than appearance but I'm shocked at how quickly my looks seem to have just gone.

Yes op size 16 really isn’t huge and your weight isn’t too much to tackle at present. It’s a tweak!!

I could have written this post myself. The one thing I do (which isn’t for everyone from preference/cost perspective I know) is botox. I’m still fat and terribly dressed but I absolutely hate the lines on my forehead and having them largely gone makes me feel so much better. I take my toddler with me as it only takes 5 mins and I can leave her in the pram with my phone. Great parenting 👍

You said its not worth going to the gym once a week. I have a two year old and have do a gym class once a week and it's make such a difference.
It's not changed my fitness hugely on its own but it's given me energy, uped my mood, improved my sleep. The energy has made me do more walking and now I am thinking more about food/ drink/ ways to add more exercise in. So I would say start small with exercise once a week for a few months and see how it goes. It's so hard to find time with children so small steps are worth it.

I don't think you need to cut things out just be more mindful so have a chocolate bar but have a small one that's under 100 calories like a timeout, kit kat (2 finger) or a freddo have a glass of wine not 2 or 3. Do some jumping Jack's or run on the spot while the kettles boiling, do some running races or football with your kids. Use the bottom of the stairs to do step ups and add an extra 10 each day to see if you can beat your record

I’m probably going to get flamed but here goes:
I can never believe how English women let themselves go. Many get to 35/40 and it’s like they just stop making an effort. Then they feel shit, then they self-medicate with booze, bad food, both etc and it turns into a vicious circle.
I really advocate being selfish and single-minded here. Come on - you have to be resolute and carve out some time for you. You don’t say if you have a partner (or sorry if I have missed that bit).
If you do, time to say I’m off for a power walk/run/swim and DH look after kids. If not there are plenty of free videos online from HIIT to kettlebell that you can fit in at home.
A bit of make-up up is a must and some cheap Nivea moisturiser everyday (£2 - anyone can spend two pounds).
Water - 1.5 to 2 litres per day.
Clariol root touch up - £6-7, takes 10 minutes.
Dye your brows and lashes yourself at home - kits cost £6 or £7.
Deep condition hair once per week. Do face mask at same time. Cucumber on eyes - all can be bought very cheaply.
Clothes - get ideas from magazines then adapt to suit your shape. Loads of good, cheap stuff on eBay.
Charcoal toothpaste to whiten teeth.
On to posture - walk tall and smile. Honestly if you do half of the above you will feel so much better.
Never, ever give up on making an effort. You looked good once, you can again 😊.

Really feel for you. It's tough when kids are young and you feel like this. Willpower is overrated and never works. When we overeat, snack at night etc its because we are soothing an emotion of some kind (mine is normally anxiety, stress or being bored/unfulfilled). Have a quick look at Thinkingslimmer.com. all about positivity and mindset changed that impact on your behaviours and attitudes towards yourself. It works brilliantly for some people and really is minimal effort and cost, just needs consistency. I've invested in a coach too,to help with emotional eating etc which I've realised is due to past trauma, but thinking slimmer or slimpod has also helped and is v cheap. I wish you every luck whatever you do.

I use to think like this then I became disabled got depression, hypothyroidism and have to take multiple medications a day that cause weight gain and lost all motivation. There's some days it's an achievement if I even get out of bed. So when you're judging women maybe understand not everyone is as privileged as you

Alternatively you can get to 35 and think, while it's important to eat well and excercise for health, my body shape doesn't have to be perfect it just needs to do its job so i can live the life i choose. That its ok to have my hair grow through natural. Make up is optional if it gives me pleasure, but not important in the scheme of things, and that if you want to use your precious free time on things that give you joy, music, books, friends, your family and not give two hoots what you're wearing as long as you're comfortable then that's fine too.

It's one thing for a woman to want to improve her appearance because she enjoys looking a certain way. It's quite another to suggest it's something women should be doing if she wants to be happy. I know loads of women who genuinely believe their physical appearance to be the least important thing about them, and I think they're all the happier for it.

I totally feel you, OP! It’s such a grind and I keep waiting for it to get less exhausting but it just isn’t. It’s almost like I half expect my old pre-kids life to magically come back to me once they get to a certain age!

I find the easiest way to squeeze in exercise is (like others say) walk everywhere and do 10 minute workouts on YouTube. Some days I don’t get time to do it until about 11pm! But I often find once I’ve done the 10 minutes I’m kind of pumped so I go on to another one and another and before I know it I’ve done 30 minutes but without that heavy dread I usually get before a workout! It doesn’t feel like it but moving will
make you feel better and it really doesn’t matter what time of day you do it.

Buy yourself some nice workout gear. It really motivates me! New bouncy trainers etc.

It is ridiculous how much raising kids sucks the life out of you! I find like others say pampering myself in minor ways gives me a boost, I fake tan every couple of weeks and use tanning drops and they just make me feel a bit more ‘fresh’ and less deathly looking 😂

Like you I often end my day with tea and biscuits, I don’t drink but I am totally addicted to sugar. No suggestions for that one I’m afraid 😬😄

OP solidarity here, I’m 36 with two primary school aged DC, starting my own business whilst also trying to keep an income coming in doing clinical shifts, chasing my own tail and perpetually harried.

I do not feel my best and definitely am using wine and food treats too much.

One thing that may be of use to you is getting your hair done at home? I also find it impossible to find time to go to the salon but messaged on my local FB group and street WhatsApp for home hairdressers. Mine is brilliant as as she is doing it as a side hustle whilst studying is more than happy to come in the evenings. It’s cheaper than my local salon and I can do it whilst my DC watch a film in the same room

I think there is some truth in what I feel is the undercurrent of these last few posts, namely that cultural differences can be down to priorities.

It’s true that in some cultures women seem to place much emphasis on retaining their looks, but to counterbalance that, I was at a conference about 18 months ago and it was fascinating to see lists of achievements of women listed by culture: the literary achievements of Anglo Saxon - and particularly British - women were impressive. I’m actually quite proud that other preoccupations are high up the list. So you know, let’s just not knock each other cross- culturally @Marine30 .

I was on the same diet and put it all back on and more when I stopped, it's not sustainable.

Shameless hijack of thread...

I'm up for starting this tomw. And up for something else to start in a few days.

Like you op, I have lost myself too. No time, energy or money to change. 3 children 10 and under. After a lifetime of being slim, now 3 stone overweight.

I'm hanging on to when they're a bit older, but then feel guilty for wishing the time away...

Then tomorrow it is.

Two litres.

I think thereafter the next step might be 30 rise-fall heel lifts while waiting for the kettle to boil. They tone the calves really well ( and fast) and you can literally feel the burn. Up to another poster to supply small step 3 …

I will do this, thanks

I stopped buying crisps and chocolate for the house. Cut out sugar in drinks. Bought carrots and celery to snack on. No fizzy drinks. Lost 10 pounds. If it's not in the cupboard I can't eat it.

@Calliopespa I do squats waiting for the kettle. It made an amazing difference after a week!

My small step is get your 5 a day and lots of protein in your meals. If you fancy a snack, have a piece of fruit and water first then the biscuit or whatever. You'll either not fancy the bad stuff or eat less of it.

@Calliopespa such a positive idea, the little tweaks.

I would suggest a weekly face mask, it can cost pennies - paste made by blitzed oats/water is very good - but will definitely relax you and help skin. Make time for your wellbeing, it has a huge knock on effect!

I am losing weight in my forties simply by no snacking…the exhaustion of the kids/work/life has played havoc with my energy levels and I was creating a viscious circle of tiredness/eat junk/more tiredness/more eat junk. My energy now is so much better!

Perhaps you and your husband can try to eat healthier together?
It will be a nice project.

Same here op. I’ve suddenly aged loads, I mean I was never a stunner it’s just the difference that’s shocked me. It’s made me not want to go out either sometimes.

How much downtime is your DH getting in all of this OP? Surely he can take the kids to the park while you get your hair, eyebrows or whatever done if you want to?

I worked in exercise when my kids were young by working out at home. I still work out at home because I prefer it. I have an well equipped home gym, but all you really need starting out is a mat and a set of hand weights and/or resistance bands.
There are thousands of free YouTube videos to choose from, for all levels of fitness and all types of workouts.
As for the exhaustion, it's likely not all about stress. Part of it is caused by being out of shape and having a poor diet. So if you have better habits your energy level will increase and you will also be better able to handle stess. It would make a big difference. The problem is that people can give you advice, but if you don't feel motivated, you just won't do it. You have to figure out how to motivate yourself. Either there will come a point when you say enough is enough and become determined to get it done, or you'll just stay the way you are, feel bad but do nothing about it.
I hope you go with option one.

I agree. Health should be the focus, not looks.

Slimfast diet gets weight off quickly.