I hate how I've let myself go

[rustyspoon45]

I'm late thirties but truly feel I've aged beyond belief in the last year or so.
I've put on so much weight. I've always yo-yoed but now I'm 12 stone and pushing a size 16 which is the biggest I've ever been. It's my own fault because I over eat, I make bad choices and I drink too much. I have no time for exercise and even if I did I'm too exhausted.
My hair is a mess. I'm wrinkled and bloated. I have no nice clothes because I don't have the time or money to shop. I just look like shit.
I keep telling myself that as dc get older and I get a bit more time back I can make positive changes. Right now it's full on with a toddler and tween. I lurch from one hectic day to the next with no forward planning or preparation for myself (just for them!)
But realistically I think it's downhill from here. I don't think I will get this weight off like I used to be able to in my twenties because frankly I don't have the motivation. When the dc are finally in bed all I want to do is sit down with a glass of wine or a cuppa and a bar of chocolate. I know these things are bad but they relax me.
I just can't stand looking at photos of myself and I'm getting where I don't even want to go out and see people. I just want to my at home in my safe space where nobody can see me.
I'm not a vain person and I know there's so much more than appearance but I'm shocked at how quickly my looks seem to have just gone.

I remember being in ‘the trenches’ with young kid and feeling like this.
One easier to achieve, superficial, thing that helps is trying to elevate your clothing a bit. Wear a belt, put earrings on, whack on a statement necklace, scarf. Might not even by your ‘style’ particularly but these things give ‘groomed’ and make you feel a bit better without having to actually do much. They also don’t need trying on before purchase (so can order online) and tend to always fit.

And, I know it feels like it at the moment , but this isn’t ’It’ for you, you will eventually emerge and have time to yourself, and take an interest in personal style again. My youngest child is 8 and after feeling exactly like you do, I now have lost some weight, recently started with a personal trainer and enjoy putting an outfit together.

Are you me OP? I could have written your post word for word. My child is two, I’m over a stone overweight, I know I should exercise but I’m too tired and exhausted by working life and looking after a demanding toddler to do it.

Im going to start by reducing carbs and cut back on snacks from tomorrow. I’m a grazer. I need a hair cut too :(
Time to get us back, even if it’s for half an hour. Solidarity

Yes small daily changes.

Tomorrow is two litres of water day op! Come back tomorrow night and tell us you’ve done it. We’ll think of a Tuesday challenge … !

For me, seeing photographs of myself (and security camera footage) was the thing that made me take action. I was repulsed and mortified. Having been slim my whole life, I weighed far more than when I was 9 months pregnant.

I have taken the Mounjaro route, which I know can be too expensive for some, but it’s been amazing for me.

One thing that’s easy to do is cut out the home boozing. So many needless calories and it’s so easy to have a glass of wine propped up with nuts, or crisps, or in your case, chocolate.

Same. 2 kids aged 3 and 6. Work full time. I am overweight, I have high blood pressure. Feel like a complete disaster. I’d been doing the same as you, chocolate and a cuppa at night as busy stressful days and this was my enjoyment at end of day.
I was almost hospitalised my blood pressure was so high and been shocked into how much I need to look after myself.
I have lost a stone in under 4 weeks and feeling better already, it’s tough but I’ll keep going.
good luck x

You're right. But I hate exercise and I enjoy drinking wine and scrolling reels. I know it's my fault and I know I have no willpower. It's just hard when life is such a constant slog to then push myself to do these things that I hate even though I know it would be beneficial to me.

@Calliopespa I think I can get on board with that, after all it's adding something not taking anything away 😂

I know it’s well intentioned but personally I wouldn’t listen to the advice to cut things out of your diet or count calories. There’s is so much evidence now that restricting just leads to binging and shame etc.

i would focus on “adding in” for now. Where can you add in more nutritious foods. Try and fuel your body well. That’s the priority before you start restricting yourself. When you’re always over stretched and exhausted it’s just so easy for that to spill over into more issues.

Focus on some gentle movement, that feels good. Focus on rest, getting a good nights sleep, keeping hydrated. Small acts of self care and things that bring you joy. Add in, with self compassion. You need to shift away from beating yourself up and blaming yourself

I would say don't worry about exercise right now - except maybe try to generally build more steps in to your day if you can (taking the stairs instead of the lift etc.). But making changes to your diet is going to be far more effective in losing weight, and giving you more energy. Try substituting meals and snacks for better quality food, that way you're not depriving yourself - just making a switch.

In time, you could look at exercising but don't put pressure on yourself to do too much too soon. Also, it's not a guaranteed way to lose weight - I workout several times a week, and never really lost much, although I have built muscle, lost an inch or two and feel stronger. Also, when I first started I was ravenous after workouts, so you may end up eating more.

I was a single parent for many years, and I have been in that very rut. I took up swimming, which I enjoyed for many years but it wore thin, now I cant be arsed with swimming and have instead moved on to yoga / pilates, would that be an option?

Do you genuinely enjoy scrolling through reels or is it something to do cos you lack the motivation to do something else?

What time do your DC go to bed? Can you try and pull that back by half an hour so that you have just a little bit more time to yourself? What do you do while they are in clubs, could you go for a walk?

You don't have to do things at night. Make changes during the day.

Yep.

Single mum of an 8 year old and work a hectic creative job with little down time. At my slimmest was 9 and a half stone and a size 8 pre baby (though that was also a couple of years when I was orthorexic / borderline ED), more usually a size 12-14. Now in my late 30s am a size 16, 12 and a half stone, thinning hair, facial hair, wrinkles, bloated, dry eyes and rosacea and can’t seem to get on top of any of it.

I don’t know the answer. I can diet but it’s risky as I “like” losing weight a bit too much and I tend to spiral into severe calorie restriction quickly. Don’t have time to gym. Don’t have the headspace or time or money to throw at the issues…I’m a wreck and it’s so sad, because feel like I’m far too young to look and feel like this.

I don’t know what to say except I hear you, I’m with you, and I hate it for us.

Some great advice here OP just wanted to give my two penn'orth

Michael Mosely podcast "One Small Thing" is good for introducing small changes.

I always start from the top down. So first thing I address is hair, then eyebrows, eyelashes etc etc, small steps. On top of this though, I add in eating a little bit less and walking a bit more.

Can I join?

1/2 stone overweight from my 'happy weight'. I eat very healthy main meals, it's the snacking that's terrible. And weekends! Chocolate/wine/pizza.

Also late 30s with two primary children. My job is active so I get in at least 10k steps per day so at least that's something.

I keep saying "this will be the week"... so far it hasn't been. I wanted to lose the 7lbs by Halloween.. it's still doable if I pull my finger out.

Slimming world. And lots of walking.
A friend lost 10stone in a year doing that.

Not to sound negative but calorie counting, getting 7-9 hours sleep a night and 10000 steps are not "small changes" when you have young children and a job! They require planning and time every single day. It genuinely can be impossible when they are that age.

Yep. I guess that's why so many women find if so difficult to lose and maintain weight loss. Myself included!

This. Working mothers are carrying so much- expected to work like we don’t have kids, and parent like we don’t work- and usually carrying the majority of, if not all, the mental load. And increasingly other caring responsibilities too. It’s no surprise we’re all on our fucking knees. It’s grotesque.

I was you in my 40s my 67kg weight that had been my standard gradually moved up to 75 then 80 until at 49 it was 97.. for all the same reasons as you ..

I did weight watchers , the Cambridge diet , ran the marathon (go me) .. but NOTHING got me below 85kg and I hated it .. until Mountjaro.. I am now 74kg with 7kg to go. I am no longer on the 'see food' diet .. (see food and put it in your mouth)

I will need to be on a maintenance dose of this for the rest of my life but far far better than being on blood pressure medication, heart medication and pre diabetes medication whilst running the risk of stroke and heart attack...

Best of all .. I feel like me again at 60 !

Well that will be step one.

It does make you feel better too.

If you aren’t ready for a new challenge on Tuesday you can always just repeat the water challenge! The trick is to keep moving in the right direction, and don’t stress about the size of the steps.

With the hair and nails and eyebrows etc...I genuinely just don't have time. I have a day off a week but that's spent looking after my little one who I can't take to long appointments for personal grooming. Weekends ditto except they are even busier with activities for the older dc too.

I used to try and fit a gym session in while they were doing swimming lessons but it was always a big rush and didn't feel like I was really achieving anything by doing a manic half hour in the gym once a week.

I could make changes to my diet but even that feels difficult. Dh does most of our cooking and is a fan of using butter and oil in everything! He's a good cook and I appreciate him doing it but I tend to feel a bit out of control with what I'm eating.

And yes to the pp who said do I enjoy scrolling, I actually do lol. It's my downtime. That half hour of peace with my reels and a wine is actually something I look forward to. I don't do it every night but when I do I enjoy it and feel relaxed. There is no way I would willingly opt to do a half hour workout in that time. I know that's my fault but how do you force yourself to give up something you enjoy to do something you hate when the rest of your life is just work work stress and work?

I've done slimming world before and lost a lot of weight. But it all went back on when I stopped. I find it very restrictive and not conducive with family life/eating as a family iyswim.

It sounds like I'm making excuses. I probably am. I'm clinging onto the hope that things will get easier and I might get a bit of time back as they get older.

You sound exhausted and stressed OP. You said that you'd be able to fit in 1 gym session a week - how about changing that to 1 yoga session? Something relaxing , not some terrifying hot yoga with pretzel people leaping about. I used to go to an old fashioned hatha yoga class which was so gentle, some stretching and breathing exercises ending with 10 minutes of lying still with soft music. Everyone always agreed that we slept like logs afterwards, no medication or alcohol requited!

And that was they key for me when I started. I didnt deny myself my unhealthy habits, I just added in some healthy ones. Never told myself I couldn't have that biscuit, but only after I'd had an apple. Takeaway, of course i can! But have a bowl of veg soup first. Now, unless your appetite is insatiable, you will probably find that after you've forced the good stuff in, you will want less of the bad stuff. Then you set goals, I'll have 8 fruit and veg today! Doesn't leave much room for snacks. This worked so well for me, and I was so proud as I thought I'd invented it. But no. Turns out its a thing called 'crowding' (out the bad with the good) you can Google it. Anyhow it works because the focus is on valuing your body enough to give it the best, not hating it so you need to punish it and deny yourself. Five years in my tastes have changed so much. I'm now a wholefood vegan and wouldn't thank you for the stuff I used to 'treat' myself with.

Can you cut out alcohol altogether? Not forever, obviously but just while you get back to your usual self. That really will make such a difference, quickly. I do know it's very, very hard to resist a lovely, cold glass of something but it's full of empty, useless calories.
How do you feel about visualisation? If you don't think it's a load of bollocks, try visualising yourself in the not too distant future, wearing a beautiful outfit and looking slimmer. Try to picture this a few times a day (you don't have to spend long at it) and perhaps try to alter.your thinking too. Instead of 'I'll never do this...', think 'I am actively doing this...'. And you can do this, btw. Size 16 is hardly gargantuan after all, you don't have a mountain to climb, just a moderate hill.

Or would DH be up for family walks at the weekend? That’s two days with reasonable exercise built in and then the one gym session mid week suddenly takes you to three days a week which is getting really fairly respectable on the exercise front! Autumn is a nice time to start walks with all the leaves - and the bonus is the fresh air means the Dc might go down early at the weekends giving you more relaxing time in the evening to drink wine and eat chocolate!