I hate how I've let myself go

[rustyspoon45]

I'm late thirties but truly feel I've aged beyond belief in the last year or so.
I've put on so much weight. I've always yo-yoed but now I'm 12 stone and pushing a size 16 which is the biggest I've ever been. It's my own fault because I over eat, I make bad choices and I drink too much. I have no time for exercise and even if I did I'm too exhausted.
My hair is a mess. I'm wrinkled and bloated. I have no nice clothes because I don't have the time or money to shop. I just look like shit.
I keep telling myself that as dc get older and I get a bit more time back I can make positive changes. Right now it's full on with a toddler and tween. I lurch from one hectic day to the next with no forward planning or preparation for myself (just for them!)
But realistically I think it's downhill from here. I don't think I will get this weight off like I used to be able to in my twenties because frankly I don't have the motivation. When the dc are finally in bed all I want to do is sit down with a glass of wine or a cuppa and a bar of chocolate. I know these things are bad but they relax me.
I just can't stand looking at photos of myself and I'm getting where I don't even want to go out and see people. I just want to my at home in my safe space where nobody can see me.
I'm not a vain person and I know there's so much more than appearance but I'm shocked at how quickly my looks seem to have just gone.

@ErasPoor DH and I have been together close to 30 years. He can still eat exactly the same amounts he did in his twenties and probably weighs around 8 pounds more at the very most. I eat far less than when we got together and have to be hugely disciplined to maintain weight, it’s actually bloody irritating.

It’s all very much hormonal changes for women, I don’t know the exact science. I do remember a much older colleague at the time who had a fab figure at almost 60. Many years ago when I was 30 she told me she ate 30% less than when she had been my age. She was right about that. I can’t do that but I have cut the amount since post menopause. I was fine till post menopause and put on weight, it’s moving now but is even harder to shift. I’m currently unwell with a back issue and can’t move about much. Having very small portions currently as I can’t burn a thing off as hobbling about.

You’re in the tough years, I remember the exhaustion, and shoving sugar down for the temporary pick me up

youll have time back soon enough, but in the meantime, make time. Seriously, you don’t want to look back at these years (and these photos) and remember feeling miserable

scroll about at home beauty treatments, supplements, hair treatments, colouring, nails etc. my night is a wednesday

full on tip to toe polish, incl hair mask, face mask, tanning drips, teeth whitening, defluffing, and putting effort into my hair, dry, straighten, oil

takes about 90 mins, then hop into clean sheets, book, candle, lights out

it’s doable. Tell the husband that’s your plan, he will want to support you.

if you’re too heavy for your frame, just lose it, ask the husband to support you in that too.

have a supply of vege soup to have a cup of before lunch, before dinner. Halve your portions. Being overweight sucks, you look and feel sluggish. Prepare breakfast the night before, have out nuts, seeds etc, add chia seeds, yogurt, honey, cinnamon. It’s like desert for breakfast and such a great way to start the day

if wine and scrolling is your thing, wine and scroll away, but not at the expense of YOU and not having the time for self care

Surely it depends what you go back to eating?

What I’m eating now I could more or less stick with for life. For me, it’s about being healthy and not just slimmer. Keeping carb intake low will help manage my blood sugar and that’s a key goal for me.

Hopefully I’ll continue to lose weight. If I reach a point that I’m relatively happy with I’ll increase my carbs a bit but will stick with a low carb diet, albeit not as strict as keto. That’s sustainable for life and it’s healthy - there’s no need to “come off” the diet as it’s not a diet per se, it’s a healthier way of eating.

I think the NHS classes under 150g of carbs per day as a low carb diet. I’m having less than 20g of carbs per day so there’s plenty of wiggle room to add in some carbs and still stick to low carb intake.

That’s the plan anyway 😂 Some amazing posters on here helped me give myself a kick up the arse and shared some really great ideas and inspiration. It really helped me take the first step even though I’m perennially sleep deprived and stressed.

My DP is off sick and won’t ever be fit to work again, I’ve got two SEN DC (one of whose has high needs - 15 yrs old and in nappies), I home educate my DC, my DM lives in an annexe attached to my house and she has cerebral palsy plus cognitive issues so I care for her too, plus I work full-time as a copywriter. I’m exhausted. Life is so full on. I’m up with the DC til 4am most nights.

But some amazing wise posters helped me get started - and I really didn’t think I had it in me.

MN can be amazing for cheerleading and support - and sometimes that’s all you need to take the first step. I’m grateful to those who shared their positivity with me 💐

So true 😩

You've had some great advice.

I'll just add, if you cut out the crap - wine, chocolate and crap food, your energy levels will improve as will your skin and you'll lose weight.

I know that, on MN, suggesting people can take control of these things and effect positive changes is frowned upon but its true.

Reducing your carb intake and eating proper food feels like a big ask when you're in survival mode (which is where you currently are) but addressing this really will make a huge difference.

Don't think of it as 'dieting' because no matter what changes you make in the short term, if you go back to eating crap food, you'll find yourself in the same boat again. Think of it as changing how you eat, nourishing your body, 'we are what we eat'. Be mindful.

I work long hours in an exhausting and demanding job. I often get home and feel 'too tired' to do positive things but it's just an excuse really because, on the days I decide to do it, I can manage just fine, do more than i thought and feel better for it. Its just easier to be a bit crap. It's not impossible to be better.

Oh and I found the oil cleansing method on here years ago. Now the only money I spend on 'beauty products' is a jar of coconut oil.

I do a turmeric face mask once a week - turmeric, raw honey and Greek yoghurt and my skin is better than its ever been.

I love coconut oil. I use it over my (cheap) nightcream to lock it in, and a tiny little over my moisturiser in the morning then blot with a tissue to remove excess shine I think it fills in the deeper creases a little and gives a nice glow. I like it for hair too but I know it doesn't suit everyone. And if that's not enough, as a vegan I eat a fair but of it in place of cream and cheese in recipes.

Start small. First of all book to get your hair done. That will instantly make you feel better.
Buy a lovely eye cream.
Drink at least two litres of water a day.
Take vitamins.
Switch to dark chocolate

Look up green smoothie diet.

Diet is more important anyway, I had an injury recently which meant I couldn’t exercise but I’ve still managed to lose almost a stone in the past 4/5 months and my weight had actually plateaued before that when I was exercising daily .

Work out the calories you should be eating to be in calorie deficit using an online calculator. It’s best for all of you including your husband if you make healthier changes. Or a lot of it portion control even if you don’t want to eat something completely different to what he’s cooked, just eat a much smaller amount of it.

can your husband take the kids for one day and you go and do some shopping for a few nice outfits?

I got into a slump a few years ago and found weight and clothes made the biggest difference to how I looked and felt, then after that it was hair, eyebrows and nails in that order!

I’m short just 5ft 2 so I have to say at 13 stone and the way my weight is distributed no matter how well groomed I was , I just didn’t feel as if I looked as good as I used to, so I focused on the weight the most when I started my “makeover”. And also because that was the most important since there were health implications.

@rustyspoon45 It took until your fifth post for you to mention your husband. Which suggests he isn’t playing a significant positive role in enabling you to have time or energy for yourself.

So he cooks. Can he not bend to supporting you through creating a dietary regime that won’t cause you to continue gaining weight? Can he not find the time even once a week to allow you a couple of hours at the gym, since you enjoy that? Could he contribute to the cost of a cleaner or babysitter?

Plenty of couples have two small children. What you need is more help.

Are you saying that you feel that genuinely the only nice parts of your day are scrolling and wine? I think that's an issue. You mention swimming lessons, can that be your time to scroll and then later that evening you do something for you? Crafty, beautifying, sitting in the bath etc? I think scrolling generally has a long term depressive impact, so I'd try to broaden your horizons of what you enjoy and not scroll every night.

DH can continue to cook, but you portion up for yourself. That way you control what goes on your plate. There's nothing inherently wrong with cooking with butter etc anyway.

Once my youngest hit 3 I got myself back, and now I'm the best I've ever looked and felt. Before he got to that age there was no chance of me doing anything about it, too exhausted and just in survival mode. You will get yourself back

OP, it comes down to how much you want to change, and it doesn't sound like you want to.

Why do you need an appointment to do your nails? You can do them when DC are in the bath, you can sit on the toilet and file and push back cuticles and paint once they are in bed. And pluck your own eyebrows!!

If DH is cooking, ask him to grill your chicken and you can have it with salad. You just say, sorry DH, I'm really unhappy and I want to lose weight.

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

Id just check this all through with a gp to be on the safe side. Yes, cutting carbs back hard gets weight off, but there are other aspects to our health that are important too, and as I understand it the high animal protein usually required for very low carb diets is linked to things like bowel cancer and liver issues. Grainy carbs are super healthy and should be a decent chunk of long term diets. Are you also counting your veg as carb? Because keto doesn’t really allow for much fruit and veg. Mostly I have heard people successful with Keto to shift the weight have had to move to other plans like (loose) calorie counting to maintain. ETA I’d just make sure you run it by your gp. And well done for the loss: the hardest bit is done!

People have lost weight at older and bigger than you. I would try fasting as it's free and you can still eat what your husband cooks. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

@rustyspoon45 @ZippyDenimBear: it’s water challenge day! You should be about 500mls in about now!

@Calliopespa I had two small tumblers this morning when I got up. I think that is probably around 500mls. It was a bit of a struggle because coffee is usually all I ingest in the morning! And it felt like quite a lot of water. But I'll keep going.

I'm also weeing way more than usual!!!!

Gosh I feel the same and it's so hard to take that first step...my goal is to drink more water and then move to cutting out the snacks after kids go to bed (I have lost weight before doing this) but I find it so hard to give up that moment of peace.

Yes. And it sloshes round a bit on an empty tummy so you feel like a walking hot water bottle!

But the weeing is good . That’s your kidneys and liver getting a good flush through so they can excrete waste efficiently - most relevantly unneeded fats!

Someone once described it to me as a pot plant that hasn’t been well-watered. The first few waterings the soil is hard and crusty and the water pools on top. As the soil gets more moist, it absorbs it happily. I promise after a couple of days it will feel good and your mind feels clearer. Your body also stops hoarding old water so you feel less bloated.

@Calliopespa yes it just felt a bit early to be having all that fluid 😂

But they are really interesting points and it helps knowing that there's a science/reason for doing these things. Thank you so much.

I agree. You need to talk to this man about a more equal distribution of the domestic/childcare load.

Men don't seem to have much problem carving out time for themselves. Don't be a martyr!

I could manage it maybe once a week but what's the point? That won't make any difference to anything.

Change this, once a week is better than not going at all, it's all about making the effort. This once a week may just be that, but by making the effort with that, you're heading in the right direction, even if it's just a little at a time. Viewing it the way you describe makes it sound like you have just given up instead of grabbing that time and doing something with it for yourself and making the most of what little time you have.
It would make a difference, it's the difference between doing something positive, even if it's very small rather than just not bothering. Personally, I think it comes down to the right attitude and motivation. You could have all the time in the world but without the right attitude and motivation, it still wouldn't happen and you'd still feel like crap.

With diet and exercise you have to build it into your life.
So the small changes that people are suggesting are good.
The thing is with slimming world...most people just put it back on once they stop. The way it's structured etc calling things syns etc aren't tracing your about nutrition.
Loosing weight doesn't just happen, it takes hard work.
You seem to be in a cycle of not fuelling yourself properly, which can affect everything! Then you crash and feel tired.

Me and my husband meal plan for the week (we do sometimes go off plan) but it's easier to do that and for calorie intake etc.
It needs to be a family way of eating and not just you.

I struggle with my weight and it's a battle to keep my BMI under 29/30. Ideally I need it under 25 but it's so hard.

With exercise you have to plan...and just do it. Even if you can't be bothered. You need to find something that you don't hate (I can't say enjoy as I do hate it at the time but feel better after).

My husband exercises early morning (gets up 5:15am)
I work 13 hour shifts
I exercise either evenings and since my little girl started school I sometimes do morning after school run.

Once it becomes normal and part of everyday life it does become easier.
But it's still a struggle with weight. I think for me it will always be..

That's should have said slimming world not *teaching you about nutrition

Just to add, my dh is very supportive and if I actively chose to go out in an evening to the gym or whatever he would fully support that.

Looking after the dc during the day is more problematic because he works full time. And for us weekends are taken up with dc activities while the other manages the little one.

It's not through lack of support from my dh that I'm like this, it's through lack of motivation and willpower on my part.