I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

Great post, OP I think this is what you need to do, although maybe just give them 3 months as I think by 6 months you'll have exploded with frustration! You could always 'gift' them the equivalent of another 3 months 'rent' with you to set them up as ready to leave on the 3 month deadline - money well spent I'd say.

OP if you rent then tell them you're moving in 6 months or whenever your next break in contract is. Tell them you're downsizing to a nice 1 bed garden flat. You deserve a break after raising them, let them find rooms to rent elsewhere. They'll soon learn the ways of the world :)

They're adults in their 20s, time for them both to move out and stand on their own two feet.
It will improve your relationship.

Give them three months notice, also put it in writing. And mean it!

They can rent a room or flatshare together.

Well then they'll have to do what everyone else does and go rent a room in a flatshare. You inform them that they have 1 month to leave, after which you will be changing the locks.

Yup, kick them out.

Give them some listings and lettings agents details for house shares etc.

Give them whatever notice you think appropriate and tell them the locks will be changed, stuff on the drive on that final date, and mean it, and if necessary, follow through with it.

They can't afford a three bedroom house, no, but they can absolutely afford a room in a house share/HMO and should, it would be good for them, they won't get away with any of the shit they're pulling in YOUR home!

Hi Op,

I think the suggestions of demanding your children move out are little far fetched and not realistic. In an ideal situation yes you would do this but I don’t know many parents (if I’m being blunt especially those without the support of a partner) who would do this. I also think it’s quite normal to feel this way once your children have stopped ‘depending’ on you in a way that they will not survive if you don’t care for them as in as children to ‘depending’ on you in a taking advantage type way. I have a close friend who had a step son who she had raised as her own since he was 7 (sadly his mum passed away) and she experienced a very similar thing when he was in sixth form. She is very house proud and said that at one point his bedroom was so disgusting she could smell it from the bottom of the stairs. She made it very clear her expectations which were that the bedroom had to be tied and cleaned by a certain date - she gave him 2 weeks. She said if it wasn’t done by then she would do it and she would throw anything out that wasn’t tidied. So of course after 2 weeks it wasn’t done so she literally put everything in bin bags and took them down the tip. Then she cleaned the room. He hated her for a week but never did his bedroom get in that state again.

I think you’re going to need to put down some very specific rules/expectations with timeframes and if they are not adhered to follow through on the actions. It will be hard and will cause a lot of argument but will be worth it in the long run.

you sound like you’ve done a great job with them, my mum was a single parent and I have great admiration x

Give them 6 months to move out. Explain that you are sick and tired of their rudeness and the way they treat you like their maid and you’ve had enough. And mean it.

Somewhere along the line they have come to see you as their slave and not someone to be respected. I wonder if you’ve been a bit of a pushover with them in your desire to give them as much as you can growing up and now they just have zero respect.

If they say they can’t afford to move out, tell them they will have to rent a room in a house share or something. They have missed their opportunity to stay home and save up to move out due to their dreadful behaviour and lack of respect.
Don’t be a doormat OP. You don’t deserve to be treated like dirt in your own home.

The answer is
Yes, they can afford to move out.
If they did not have you, they would have no choice. They are adults. They can live the life they want on the money they earn, or they earn more money.
You have done a fabulous job. The next bit of parenting is pushing them out of the nest.
It's not a failure on your part.

You know, I started typing out a response about setting out a contract, upping rent etc.

However…

Im wondering if your relationship with your children would recover if they stay?
Honestly, I’d reduce their rent, increase their chores, but tell them they have to move out in six months

It's time for them to go and you know it. Have them a deadline to move out. Help them find a room to rent.

Judging by my own experience in house shares in university, and visiting friends, the majority of very young adults are slobs. Even as the better ones banded together and lived together in later years, the standards were still far from ideal.

I wouldn’t despair of them just yet. They still need parenting - and while the bookshop shelves are groaning with toddler advice, it’s a bit thin on the ground when it comes to young adults.

I think the suggestion to sell up, and downsize to maximise your pension is a good one - remind them that it’s in their own interests that you be self sufficient in your old age. Pitch it as being in their best interests. And set yourself a goal (with a little reward) of riding out each tantrum, knowing they’ll get worse before they get better. Tea and cake out by yourself with a lovely book for every tantrum!

Covid put a spanner in the works of my household too and I’m still trying to regain lost ground. I had a suicidal autistic tween and once we stopped going to clubs and activities we weren’t able to start again. The transition to secondary was hellish. Then we were into exams. I went from having sensible routines, expecting help at home, etc to complete demand avoidance. Slowly, slowly making improvements but I could honestly cry for the effect lockdown had.

Sympathy OP. You say one of them is actually worse than the other, or they're differently bad. Could it be that they suffer from each other, too? That they need to get out of each other's hair?

Lockdown must have been very claustrophobic, they were of an age when they were supposed to spread their wings and they couldn't.

Don't blame yourself. Goodness knows why some got through lockdown fine and others didn't, but it did mess things up for many parents who weren't doing anything wrong.

I think because they pay rent they think they can act like this. You need to give them a deadline to leave and say that if their stuff isn’t gone by a certain date it will be on the lawn. Then book to have the locks changed and keep them out. Weirdly once they are gone your relationship will become a million times better!

It is not you, they are at fault. I have been in your shoes and the only way to sort the situation is to tell them to leave and mean it. Give them 3 months notice. You need to let them be the adults they are. Put them out.

Charge them £400 each and hire a cleaner with the extra money

If they don't pay, they move out 🤷‍♀️

I think a rented room is EXACTLY what they need. Other housemates won’t put up with their filth, and will let them know. It’s time they grew up, and a room in a house share will force this

You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m speaking from experience - a house share really really works!

I quite agree.

Tough love is needed her, op. You've done your best.

They are still young, their attitudes will change with time so please don't fret.

This is the way

They still can.

They need to fly the nest OP. Ordinarily they'd have learnt to be self sufficient etc mostly when at uni and living away but theyhavent made that choice so you need to learn by telling them they need to move out. You should downsize or be firm they will learn but you need to teach them one more lesson

If they are in their 20s then they need to move out when they are acting as they are and being disrespectful to you and the house. Time to grow up and gain some independence because they aren't learning anything living at home when they are acting the way they are and making things unbearable for you. I'd tell them both they have till the new year to either get their finger out and stop acting like immature rude, entitled kids and ve tidier around the house or find new accommodation to move to.

OP you have done your best with your kids and now it is up to them. If you don't want to make them immediately homeless then try other avenues first. Perhaps charge them a rent which only takes account of Rent/mortgage, Council Tax, Gas, Electric, Utilities, TV Licence, Broadband etc. All the stuff that is essential to living in 'their' room.
You say they can't afford to move out but that is only because they are spending their money elsewhere first. They might need to give their heads a wobble if they think their 'Nights out' will still happen with no money after paying their HMO rent.
Allocate a shelf in the fridge,a cupboard and a coloured washing up bowl in the kitchen for each of them and let them buy their own toiletries, washing powder and food. They do their own washing, ironing and so on. Then let them get on with it.
You may have to clear up their mess in the interim but if they leave a mess - just put it in their washing up bowl and along with their detritus/belongings from around the house - dump it in their room and shut the door on it! Or alternatively clean it up and lose it permanently into your room so it's not available for them to use.
Their rooms may stink, they may stink but they will soon lose their mates if they choose to live and smell like that.
But hopefully your cleaning will reduce if you are resolute and deal with stuff that immediately affects you. You may need to clean the bathroom when you want to use it but if one of them has left a skanky bathroom for other - they can quite rightfully blame each other!!
If after all this - there has been no change - then it is time move on when the tenancy ends or you sell up.

Can you declutter the kitchen, really minimise it.
This could mean storing stuff in boxes in the cupboards or in a shed. Really strip back no dish rack,.no extra gadgets. Just the minimum to just make one room easier to control.

Stray washing goes in bin bags then sling in their room.
It must feel like egg shells all the time, best wishes

Yes I think if they refuse to move out this might be your only option. Time to downsize.

And no wifi code, obviously.