I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

OP already said they were at college/6th form during lockdown.

Its great you have reflectected and some insight on the dynamics -- but I have sense that its a bit taking on all the blame - so you cant blame them and then have to step up to shifting the dynamic with actions - I sense that you are unconsciously going back into door mat mode as it is avoidant and is less confrontational.

I am glad that you are able to see a better relationship with your younger child and were able to communicate this to them with good results. Thats great keep going.

All the all day texting / memes and stuff is just fluff though isnt it - fake even? The basis of love starts with respect - and that is based on actions not words.

I hope that you are building up the rest of your life - friends, hobbies, extended family etc because we all need joy and support from lots of places and it doesnt always come from our adult DC. If either are boys you will likwly be last on their list once they move in with a partner unless the partner makes an effort.

No my lovely. You're not in any way to blame. The world has become a horrible place and kids just don't respect and appreciate good parenting the way that we did. My Son was brought up in a loving family like yours. He met a girl and got her pregnant. He moved in with her and from there on, she made it her mission to alienate him from us. One day I had 3 friends drop off my facebook account, one of which was her. Let me tell you- she was in there like a bloody Whippet! My son called to ask why I'd unfriended her. I explained the situation, but he was having none of it, accusing me of lying. Our Grandson's birthday came along and as they live a long way off, we sent a card and some money. A few days later, it was returned with a letter from my son saying that he wanted no more contact with us and we would no longer be seeing our Grandchildren. That was 9 years ago. All that love for nothing. We meant nothing to him. I still can't get my head around it. So I know where you're coming from. Just an ungrateful generation!

I'm so sorry to Callsluvsbunnies. That is so painful and unfair. Maybe you can reconnect when your GC is older?

I was just reading one of the trans threads about parents being cut off after bending over backwards to be supportive. I shouldn't worry about hypothetical things but I do worry about my child doing this when he's older, and it seems to becoming more normalized.

Are you paying for their cellphones? Turn them off. How about internet? Same thing. Are they leaving their things out all over the house? Toss them in the trash. Are they leaving trash all over? Toss it on their beds. Are they not washing their clothes? Don't do it for them. Not doing dishes? Let them pile up and you get take away for yourself. Don't fuss, don't nag, don't ask them to do anything. Do your own meals, your own clothes, etc.

Plan B is, after warning them that they have a week to find a place or you will throw them out and they'll be homeless and they still don't go, in one week chuck all their stuff out of the house while they are out, have the locks changed and don't give them keys. Text them; "Come get your stuff from the front of the house before it gets stolen. Good luck finding a room."

Hi!

I hope thing improved.
I'm also a single mother of two boys, 25 and 17.
From what I gathered you were not yet fully mature when you had them. So they might perceive you more like a big sister than a mother.
The mother serves as a secure base for the young children, a place of refuge when the big world seem frightening.

After that it is the father's role to introduce tge child in society, to teach, especially boys, how to be a man.
I suppose the father came short in doing this. Therefore the boys are filled with resentment and anger. It is common to lash out at the "good" parent in such cases, as your love seems like a safe bet, they don't really risk losing you.
Especially for the older one, as he seems to lash out at every step.

Adolescence is another important time for people to define themselves among their peers and by opposing others. The lockdowns wreaked havoc among youngsters.
See about this:

From what I heard what your sons are doing, staying dependent is a worldwide trend. Not that knowing this is of really much help. See this video about it.

In my opinion you should, as I did, work on yourself first. Learn to love and respect yourself. Set and reinforce strong, healthy boundaries. Only then they will learn to respect you, the house and, by example, thenselves.

Have a good New Year!

I told my young adults that if they don't want to help in the house I am happy to add a few hours to the very small amount of time I already pay a cleaner. That I am sick of asking them.

They ignored it so I billed them for it on top of rent, but that part in advance, saying it was for the upcoming month cleaning charge. They did start helping instead after that, as they knew I was serious, and although they aren't perfect it's a lot better.

Hi dear, I read all your posts on this. I think this generation has been handheld so so much and they are mostly unable to function without an adult or google.

Gentle parenting or permissive parenting has gotten us into so much trouble because kids have so many chances and so much confiding in us that they do not know where they begin and where we end.

I have some cousins who are in their early 20s and they are such messes, it is crazy. One has body issues and crippling social anxiety. She has almost dropped out of school each year. Her life is SO easy and her parents coddled her so much. The other is a drunken 25 year old....he dropped out of university and let his parents continue paying...when we have family gatherings, they barely come out of their rooms to say hi. They are so crippled and my aunt has been such a good mom, bending over backwards.

My mom was tough love....my sister and i have always been competent because of it and we adored my mom. She made us very aware of if we were being mean or rude to her. She'd scream at us and tell us we were treating her badly. She was right. She wouldn't tolerate any nonsense from us and told us bluntly what we were doing and how it was affecting her. The other aunt with the trainwreck kids protected her kids always and always made excuses for their behavior and picked up the slack. My mom would let us fall flat on our faces. So we learned our lessons early.

. I am almost 40 and we went out on weekends for adventures. We drank and danced and partied with random men. We had FUN!!!. Now this generation has been stuck indoors on their individual screens and crying about injustices in the world . They are so idiotic and sheltered yet they think they know everything since they saw it on a screen.... The woke has fried their brains and they accuse their parents of traumatizing them and so they never ever have to take responsibility for anything.

I was on a train two months ago and a 20 something year old was yelling into the phone at her mom that the train conductor wouldn't open the train door to let her off (she missed the stop). I turned around and said I was reading to my child and that she is a grown woman responsible for knowing when to get off and that the conductor was doing he job and not to cry to mommy. She quickly shut up. The phone is an umbilical cord...step back from this incessant texting. There needs to be a barrier there. They have to try to navigate the world on their own.

The only responses to send them are pictures of the filth and mess they leave. Every single instance. Every time..photographic evidence. Keep it and save it. It will dates and times so they can never deny it.

Draw up a contract for chores and have them both sign it. Increase their rent so you can charge them for damage to the house and extra cleaning fees that you personally will keep because they most likely will make you work harder than you should.

Each time they are in any room, stand like a hawk and start narrating exactly what needs to be picked up as if they were five years old. And yes, scream back at the older one. Fight fire with fire. It's likely they scream because you are an easy punching bag. Don't be. Amp it up as crazy as they are. Make it impossible for them to leave messes unnoticed. Be on them incessantly!!!!
The antidote for a sick character is work. So make them work!

The younger one was following the older one's lead and being a slob....

Also: I'd evict them swiftly if they do not hold up their side of the deal.

It's better to be alone then abused!!!! At least your house will be clean. They will come groveling back anyway, unable to help themselves.

And for God's sake: charge them for food!!!!!!!! "Are you paying into this week's grocery run?" Surely you have to think about yourself. Your retirement...your dreams.. your travels. Do not feed them with your cheque. This is not a system of rewards. Time they start being 100% grateful to you for the roof over their heads. And if the older one says they are never there, offer to move them out asap.

Can I ask you why you keep saying they and do not use pronouns "he or she"? Is there some other layer to this?

So would I, and the WiFi router would be in my bag.