I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

It’s so bemusing to me how the solution of so many people in response to a breakdown in relationship between parent and children is to kick the children out.

It happens in nature all the time, what's so bemusing about it?
You can't make a 20yr old adult child do anything can you?
Sometimes distance and different living spaces help the relationships return to a more peaceful and harmonious state.
When they have a dose of reality living out of the family home they tend to get back in line and grow up.

Change the front door lock, don't give them a key, and only allow them access to the house if they promise to behave like civilised individuals. Lock the kitchen, let them use the bathroom, but not the living room. They can only stay in their rooms.

Tell them they've got a month to move out and to make arrangements for their cat. If they haven't moved out within the month, pack their bags and leave them on the doorstep.

It's normal for adults to have better relationships with their parents once they have 'flown the nest' - they get out of the parent-child dynamic of the teen years and relate as independent, equal adults.

This sort of extended adolescence does no one any favours. They are adults and it’s time they started acting like adults. I would give them a deadline to move out if I were you. A firm date in the near future. Maybe a month from now? Under no circumstances would I take on the burden of finding a room for them to rent or arrange for moving their stuff. If they don’t find a place to live by the deadline, they can make other arrangements (stay with friends, see if Dad will have them, find a short-term Airbnb, etc.). And I absolutely would change the locks.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this difficult situation. The messiness is extremely annoying, but the hostility and contempt they show you must be soul destroying. I hope you find a solution.

Are you in rented accommodation, OP? If so, I would give my landlord notice and find myself somewhere else to live.

I read OP’s responses and some of the posts and am also on the ‘kick them out by X date’ bandwagon. Firstly, I’m sorry OP, this sounds terrible. It sounds like you did a great job as a mum and it’s making me think about my DC who is a toddler and how to arm her to be independent.

Dr Phil has done a few ‘moocher’ episodes of kids that won’t move out which is interesting to watch.

My MIL moved into a very small place to stop my SIL who is an immature adult and is heavily financially and emotionally dependent on her. She moved into a postage-stamp size place and while she still gets the emotional stuff, I bet she is very happy to go back to her own place alone.

How patronising.

I've been thinking about you OP and this is what I think will work best:
Call a family meeting. Tell them in clear language that after much consideration you have decided you need your own home. If they object (they will) explain your concerns. Give specific examples in the last week or so.

Give them a long timeline. Maybe end of Feb to allow for post Christmas viewing etc. Tell them you will not source a place but you will be there to help with advice or anything they need. Remind them to start organising their stuff etc

Tell them you will be supportive in their move and help with second viewings or questions they have. Explain as the mother of adult kids your job now is to love and support as they make their own decisions. Tell them how much you are looking forward to visiting them in their new place and inviting them over sometimes. It will be the beginning of a new adult relationship.

Set out a list of rules for the interim period with consequences. Clothes thrown around will be removed, if plates aren't washed they will be removed etc. Try not to dwell too much on this part. Just read a list of rules.

After the meeting type it up like minutes of a meeting, pin to the fridge and email a copy to each. Make sure it is factual and without anger.

Follow it through exactly and without anger.

Could you set up a rota or jobs? Be clear you expect them to do this. Or they need to contribute between them for a cleaner

They can stay at their dads. If they have to sleep on the sofa, so be it. If he can’t help, they can sofa surf with friends.

Youre done. You’ve done all you can, it’s time for them to go

They're grown adults!

I would ask them to move out if they don't clean up their act. Living at home is a privilege, not a right. I lived by my mothers rules under her roof until I was 24.

I don't understand what the problem is with renting a room? Do 20-somethings now expect to immediately move into a one bedroom flat or house by themselves? Renting a room in a decrepit shared flat was the norm when I was in my 20s.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it, OP. It sounds like you did a great job raising them on your own; they just haven't recognised yet all that you have done, nor have they grown up.

If it ultimately achieves the aim of getting them to move out, then yes, I would find them a room to rent, pay the first month's rent and move their stuff for them. If you think they'd still refuse to leave at that point, change the locks. I think that would be an incredibly harsh thing to do, but if they literally will not move out, it might be your only option.

Thank you to everyone who has replied you don’t know how much you have helped me. I thought I was going to get judged for being rubbish and bringing this on myself. I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s guilt. I probably have given them too many chances and now they do not seem to respect me. I believe they know my weakness is a fear of losing a relationship with them, it’s a powerful weapon they can use against me. This has worked up until now but I’m having thoughts about running away from them so the weapon is becoming less effective, I want a break from them. Maybe this is a weird toxic codependency situation. They do come to me for every single little problem they have and I see this as a chance to build bridges so I am always giving advice and listening. Then obviously I am hurt when this is thrown back in my face.

It is time for us all to get some space from each other. They do not get along, I don’t think they would be able to live together. They mostly communicate through me like I am some kind of damn ouija board

I do not want to throw them out in all honesty but I don’t think I can handle more of this mentally. I have tried detaching from it emotionally but I am feeling very angry

I Work with parents and I often say children/young people don’t see their parents as ‘people’ they just see you as ‘mum’ who had a duty to be there for them, sacrifice for them etc with no thanks, appreciation or consideration for your feelings. I don’t think it’s until you’re a full matured adult maybe mid twenties or later you see that your parents are people and you start considering and appreciating them. It honestly not just you. See jt a lot x

They need to move out. Renting a room is perfectly fine for their age, and it will motivate them to save and progress at work to get their own place eventually. Being confronted by their flatmates could be way more effective than told off by their mum.

Do you own your house or are you renting?
If you own the house, you can just give them notice (two weeks? More depending on where you live), and change the locks...

I am renting. They could keep the tenancy if I left. I have offered them this option.

Is your rent social housing/council housing - if so, I would not give that up and move to private renting!!

It's never too late to go to uni so they might change their mind
. Maybe ask them to pay for a cleaner if chores are a big problem

Sorry I think I missed your solution

I agree it’s the option I want the least but I don’t appear to have any other options left. I have no leverage over them anymore. They don’t care about WiFi being off they have jobs they just get data on their own phones. I don’t even stock food in the house now to try to make it bleak and prevent more mess.

I’ve tried rebuilding relationships I will take them out for meals or days out, they attend and it’s all great and we get along for the day then the moment we are home it’s back to normal with them being mean and lazy.

I can't believe how many people are saying 'Kick them out'. Where to? Young people can't afford rent in 2024, even with a job.

The natural time of living as children has passed. As you say, your relationship is fine aside from living with them. You won't pull this back by setting boundaries, it's too late for that. If you're renting, find somewhere new and move on. They can keep up the rent on the house they're in or find rooms to rent, do some growing up and gain some independence, and they're going to find a whole lot of new appreciation for you. Not least in time, your modelling that in relationships you have boundaries and never accept being someone else's ill treated doormat.

This is great. Clear and firm. Stick to your guns, tell them you love them abd don’t get angry. Repeat that you’ve thought long and hard abd strongly believe that this is the best and only solution for everyone. Good luck!