I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

My mam and me would fight like rabid hyenas while I still lived under her roof, as soon as I moved out and gained some independence our relationship had the space it needed to heal into what is now a nice, adult friendship. I do think for a lot of people staying in the family home as young adults just doesn't work. Obviously some are more mild mannered than I was, but I feel like a lot of parents go through this with their early-twenty-somethings.

They need to go so you can have your peace, and they can find their feet. It's time!

I’d up their rent to market prices which may help them make the decision to move out. At least, you’d be getting extra money which you may decide to use to pay for a cleaning service

It does sound a bit drastic but maybe moving yourself is the best option. If you own, look at downsizing into your own little house where you can start the next stage of your life afresh. Put your house on the market and tell them they need to leave. Or look for your own new rental if you rent and go without them.

maybe their dad could take them in. Not your problem

I agree with pp that the easiest answer might be to make it clear the house is going on the market, downsize and choose your own home that will be entirely yours and where they will be visitors, not children living with mummy.

This isn't doing them any more good than it's doing your poor mental health.

They are adults and it’s about time they acted like it. You say they won’t move out when you’ve asked. You don’t ask them - you tell them. You give them X amount of time notice and say if you’re not out by then then you will have all the locks changed and call to police if they don’t leave. Then you actually do it. They think they’re big and clever adults being rude and disrespectful to you and treating you like utter shit let them stand on their own two feet.

Give them 6 months or 1 years notice to move out. If you can afford to, give them a carrot of subbing their deposit on their own place at that point, depending on them having acted respectfully). And don't backtrack. Not sure if you want to stay where you are, but ideally if you want to downsize that would work well. Work out an attitude and approach you can stick to in the meantime (don't keep trying different things, don't demand things you can't control, do withdraw help and privileges for breaking house rules or speaking disrespectfully to you, do treat them according to their behaviour, not the same).

Tell them if they leave laundry around you will put it in a bin liner and throw it out - and do it - don't threaten them - tell them once and do it.

Food on the wall is just disgusting and absolutely no need for an adult to do that.

put a lock on the bathroom from the outside and don't let them use it unless they tidy it themselves afterwards. If they dont tidy it they dont get to use it - simple.

I think you need to be much stricter with them. If they dont like it they can leave.

Personally I've observed no correlation between going to uni and being a clean, tidy and responsible young adult. None at all. Some people I know who've gone to uni are very messy and unbothered by it, while some people who didn't go and have worked from 16 onwards are very organised and tidy. Also the other way round. Uni really doesn't produce reliable outcomes.

Would it work if you give them a month's notice and then change the locks and go away on holiday for a fortnight? They do sound grim. I'm so sorry you have that to cope with.

Tbh I think they are just not able to see the situation. I think if they had to move out and cope in the wild, they would learn quite quickly.

I moved out at 22 and somehow it's different living with a stranger. The inhibitions kick in in a good way. I would never have used the washing machine in my own home because it was my Mum's territory and at that age I had sort of become a bit psychologically allergic to my parents. But as soon as I was out of the house and in a different place, I started doing cleaning and clothes washing and going to tesco like a regular domestic genius.

My brother was a bit of a disaster at home, but after he moved out he started talking earnestly about the price of carpets, which was hilarious.

I think that renting a room would be fine for them. That's what I did. Actually for about 15 years.

I think it is time for them to fly the nest.

This is an explanation of how to change the door lock cylinder. It is very easy.
https://misterminit.eu/en/blog/how-to-replace-a-cylinder-lock-yourself

The rent has to go up to pay for a cleaner because they are useless.
4 hours a week around £80 between them.
Give them 3 months to move out. Say they are too old to be at home and acting like (useless) teens

I agree with pp, let them know you’ll be moving into a one bedroom place by yourself by the summer, and they’ll need to sort themselves out. In the meantime to make it less horrible, could you cut right back on the number of dishes in the kitchen so they can’t eat until they have washed up? One cup, plate, bowl each, you could allocate a cupboard each with a full set of things each, and they don’t touch yours, they are only to use their own. And box everything else up so they can’t make a huge mess.

I would take all their stuff, bag it up and tell them that it's ready for them when they find somewhere to live!

Hi OP. Me and my sister were your kids about 15 years ago, there’s 2 years between us. Sis did go to uni but locally and stayed at home, I finished college and started work.
We were awful, messy. Didn’t tell mum where we were. Relationships between us and our parents were horrendous, on both sides. So much arguing.

Eventually we were told to move out, Mum gave us 6 months to find somewhere and told us we could stop paying board to save to move but that was it and it was firm. We were so ready to go by then too. Similarly, we weren’t loaded but we ended up moving in together! And rented a small house relatively locally. It was the absolute best thing that happened for all of us; made me and my sis much closer, made us very independent (eventually!) and relationships with our parents improved dramatically.

don't be afraid to give them an ultimatum; being told we had to leave really lit a fire under our arses.

Downsize

Also, if they are paying you £200 a month, you could possibly find a place with rooms to rent for that price, tell them they are moving there, and then drop their stuff off, before you change the locks. That might simplify things a bit.

It would be like going on holiday, except that you go home and they don't. If it was the famous five they'd be saying "what fun!" and cracking out the ginger beer and tins of spam.

They could still attend university as mature students. Might be the making of them! I believe mature applicants can still access student loans etc.

I wonder too if there's part of you that needs to let go too. Guilt seems to be par for the course as a parent, but you can't compensate them for the pandemic years, it wasn't your fault and you did more than your best.
What would the next phase of your life look like? Living on your own? Would you like to move somewhere else, get a different kind of house? This is a growth opportunity for you too, if you let it be.

The are grim and they don't value or respect you.

Give them notice and mean it.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

Even if it is your fault somehow it certainly doesn't mean you have to endure it. Write a letter stating a deadline to move out. ie two months and give a reminder notice at the half. State if not out by X you will pack their belongings and put into storage. Give the key to storage once they pay you the cost.

Change the locks. Your children are now adults. Your job is done. It is up to them to sort themselves. Don't be a martyr.

It took moving out for me and my siblings to get properly appreciative of what's needed to look after your space. They're working so at least they're productive. Give them 6 months notice to move out. There's no reason for a full-time working adult to be at home when they can't respect the space.
Let them come back for a defined period later if they need help saving for a property (they'll be much better at cleaning etc). For now being at home is holding them back from becoming proper functioning adults.

I think its time for tough love. Do some research and find out what a single room would cost in a HMO and work out how much you spend in their food per week. Get pretty pictures of the stunning accommodation they could get, once they have a deposit etc.

Then itemise for them how much it costs you to keep the house running, include rent if you pay it, council tax, water rates, utilities, tv, maintenance and then the food bills. Divide it by three and tell them what their share should be. Show them how much you are subsiding them and also being their unpaid skivvy and that you deserve some respect for the personal and financial sacrifices you make for them because you love them but your patience only goes so far.

You are not their unpaid skivvy and nor should you have to subsidise them for the pleasure of them making your home so damn uncomfortable. Tell them that between them (you will not referee) they need to start cleaning up after themselves and being more considerate about the fact that this is YOUR home and that if they want the freedoms that adulthood brings, they also have to take the responsibility. This should happen seamlessly and you do not want to here them arguing about it.

If they do not pull this around within one month, then they need to avail themselves of one of the HMO's as you will no longer tolerate this. Give them this in writing.

I think it's more that they would have likely moved out if they'd gone to Uni rather than where their careers are going that is making the OP wish they'd gone to Uni......

Honestly, don’t worry about the not doing uni life, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, they would have gone away for 3 years and still come back to you and be in the same situation. So they work full time?
I just say as if my parents have asked me to leave, when I was on a zero hours contract I genuinely couldn’t have afforded a place. Are they feeling like they haven’t turned out /in a job/career that they felt like they would have been themselves had it not been for covid or other reasons? Sometimes frustration can impact those closest to us. I’d start making their rooms other purposes - an office/ gym/ craft room / limit what they can use in kitchen/ cook only for yourself, and say you’ll cook for everyone when they wash up etc.
I think they are lost and you’re getting to brunt of their anger/ frustration unfortunately. I hope it improves in time

This is not a reflection on your parenting. You have done nothing wrong. This is normal at their age, they're preoccupied with other things in their life. But to be a really good mother, you now have to help them on their way to full independence. You need to push them out of the nest.