I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

Oh yes and stop buying any and all food immediately. Rice and beans for them

Let them all move into a place together lol they’ll soon realise how terrible they have treated you! How good they had it at home and will hopefully see the error of their ways!

You do need to address it now, to ensure they become functioning adults. My friend’s brother was like this, and it wasn’t until after their mum died and 3 room shares later he really took responsibility for his life but this happened in his late 40s. It does require them to stand on their own two feet and the sooner it’s done, the better chance they have of this not dominating a large part of their adult life.

my aunt still has 2 of her adult sons who live at home. For her it’s company but she can’t have anyone round the house is a tip, and now she is older she isn’t mobile to clean up after them , so it is really bad. They go to work then just come home and make a mess, go out with their mates and never grown up. No girl friends no planning milestones in their life. It’s not healthy they are mid 30s and aren’t dealing with the usual responsibilities of life. So rip the plaster off for their own sake.

This was me and my son. Beautiful relationship, a real team, and then suddenly he became an arsehole. When he was 21yrs, I met and quickly move in with my now husband, And so my house was being rented to friends, so sorry, he had to move out! It’s now only at 31yrs, 2 kids and a wife, she admits he was an arsehole! We are now close again. Hang in there but make difficult decisions. It’s life learning experience. X

Tell them clean up or consequences. Don’t do washing cooking internet anything basically that helps them. They are not children they are walking over you. Tell them if things don’t improve they can go live with their dad or elsewhere. You did nothing wrong except help them. I brought my daughter up
on my own she came home from Uni during lockdown. She still lives at home whilst doing a Masters. She may leave dishes occasionally but helps in many ways as I have a hidden disability. If you do nothing it will get worse.

Sadly accountability through religious moral or ethical education is not taught in schools anymore. I'm 55 and eldest is 13. Like parrot tell them to wash own plates, pick up stuff from floor, fold up their washed clothes etc. The source I believe is individualistic education and lifestyle in secular society. Hence my kids taught pickup for the little ones even if it wasn't your doing. If yours are adults are not cleaning up after themselves, they need some kind of short sharp shock. Try lessons from others in worse condition in the world. Also stop their bad habits in the house like any weed or smoking or bringing in stupid friends.

Honestly, it's nothing you did, this happens to most of them when they become adults. They want to stay as children and they need a push to get them out of the nest. It's best all round in the end. Is there any way that you can move out for a while and rent your flat? Sometimes this is easier than kicking them out. Still plenty of time for them to go to university if they choose. They can get loans and part time jobs like everyone else and rent a shared student flat for a few years.

Why do people come on to long threads and not bother to at least read the OP's posts?

She isn't doing nothing...

OFGS

you should really forward this entire thread to them and it will shock them into reality. They will probably be angry, but reading all the comments will make them wake up. It[s not just you...people are on your side.

Oh yes, I saw a viral post about a mom sick of her kids making messes. She sprinkled black sesame seeds? in the corners of the room and told the kids she had found rat poop. The kids were horrified and cleaned every last speck up!

Another terrible tip if they wont respond after all your other efforts: give them a gift card to a restaurant and tell them you made reservations for a certain time. Have them go to the place and then have your friends come over and pack all their stuff...leave it on the curb. When they get back home, give them a couple hundred pounds and tell them to find their own way.

Abusive relationships need to be heavily modified, curtailed or end . If this were a partner, people would shout at her to kick him out. People run to no contact with their parents for this type of crap. Parents also need to stand up for themsevles.

This is a perfect way to become long term estranged from your kids. Instead, we could just go with appropriate consequences 🙄

You have done your best. Single mother, working, trying the best she can with family support. Sometimes, life is simply harsh and unfair. Not your fault. Today's kids have too much influence from the internet and also bad friends. The only thang that might help is a reality check. Set them a deadline. If they do not comply, literally put them in front of the door. They know they get away with it. And they need to understand there is a line they cannot cross. And that is the only thing that will help.

Unfair and inappropriate comment. Informing OP that she has failed because she didn't encourage them to go to uni/college, as if the alternatives are deemed as 'less than'. There are a multitude of alternative options.
Congratulations OP on raising your children alone whilst working FT etc

Lovely, inspiring comment, thank u

I did respond that the best reward was having a nice place to live don’t worry 😂 but I also offered a reward of spending time with their mother 🙊

They won’t have therapy. The youngest one is not the same as the eldest but they had got into a bad habit of retaliating to make a point about their sibling but now I have explained all it does is cause me more problems they have cut that behaviour out. I’m going to say they are both being a bit better, mostly the rude tantrums have stopped and we are communicating better. The house is not as awful now it seems like it’s more of a team effort.

It’s very complicated but dad is not an option. It’s just us together. Problem is when you are a single parent I think you end up with a bit of an intense (and can be turbulent) bond with your DC, you haven’t had another adult there to counter balance arguments. I was also a young mum so they can see more like an annoying bossy older sister rather than their parent. We have all grown up together, I learnt to be an adult and they will have witnessed that experience (i am not going out getting drunk with them or overstepping those boundaries I am still mum).

I have to change the dynamic. I am very quick to jump in to save situations, give a solution, provide assistance I am so accessible and I think I’ve made myself a bit of a doormat. I will get up at the crack of dawn or stay up late to do something for them nothing is really too much to ask of me. I am accessible by text at all times. We all talk to each other by text all day every day, from morning to night it’s a lot more than I have realised when I took a step back. We chat/check in with each other all day long till late at night (even if in an argument 😂). Sometimes it’s silly memes, jokes, old photos but a lot of chit chat, work, friend drama, partner drama, all kinds. I assume it’s not actually a healthy dynamic and it’s a bit OTT. It is NOT me initiating the texting the majority of the time.

OK, some progress into starting to pull down the strongholds that supported their vile behaviour

It's nice you've got a close relationship in a lot of ways and it makes sense what you say about single parent-child relationships tending to be like that. But having read your most recent post about constant texting all day, I do agree with you that it's a bit excessive. I can't help but wonder where is the time and headspace for you? They're into their twenties now, it's time for you to reclaim your life for yourself,.not only to be their mum.

Tell them you are selling the house unless they begin to respect you and the house. If they don't listen, when they go out, change the locks. Tough love is still love. They have become spoiled and entitled like too many of this generation.

I don’t think I realised it was as much as it was. Like I said I did all pick ups for a long time but even when I went to work full time they would choose to sit and wait for me after school to finish work in a nearby cafe rather than get a bus home. We have always done everything together. I assume that’s why I have found this stage of them pushing back so hard because we had always been a strangely symbiotic team of 3 and now they are growing up. The youngest travelled a long train distance today by themselves. I was on hand the whole journey for them by text through the trials and tribulations of the journey - I knew they would be ok, so I was a reassuring presence saying it’s ok you will be fine, you will work it out. I realise I like to be needed by them so I never discourage it. I don’t complain about it I like it. Are we all enmeshed with each other too much? I want them to grow and flourish, I don’t need them to need me, I just like that they need me. Says a lot about me that I am not letting go I am still trying to be the best most perfect mum even when they are old enough to be making it on their own. I do try to encourage independence and I am excited and proud they do something new by themselves I am not trying to hold them back

So it looks like you have actually a good relationship with your kids, apart from the fact that they do not help you at home and put all the burden on your shoulders. Have you actually been strict with them at all in that regards? I am not sure how clear you have been with them that you are at breaking point and that this cannot continue like this?

No I know I have given the impression nothing is too much trouble almost like I am an invincible AI 😂 and now I am older and life is getting harder, they don’t see me as a real person with feelings. Some of it it’s their age, a lot of people have posted they were also awful and now feel bad for their parents so we might get there in time but the DC get most offended at me having any feelings or expressing emotion so I am trying to be stricter and teach them some life lessons. It has improved from when I first posted, I used less emotive language and was more direct and this helped a lot x

Do you think they are now experiencing teenage rebellion if they never went through it at the developmentally appropriate time? Their behaviour as adults in their 20s seems so childish, I do wonder whether they are stuck in adolescence and have now reached the rebellious stage. Just a thought, not intended as a criticism of you in any way. I'm glad things are improving.