I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

I don’t at all actually. I moved out at 18 and now have my own child so I’m the one doing all the cleaning up!!

Though I can empathise with what’s it like to be 21/22 in 2024, growing up on social media and then experiencing lockdown on top of that.
Just like others can relate to the OP more & there’s nothing wrong with that. I was just pointing that out because the demographic of mumsnet is probably quite similar to herself, she will likely receive an echo chamber of ‘poor you, your horrible kids comments.’
I’m not excusing her kids behaviour, it is wrong. I’m just offering a different perspective, perhaps there are mental health issues at play and perhaps the bad atmosphere in the home, that the mum is also contributing to, has a part in all this.

I don’t care how old they are

You're assuming she owns her property? She didn't mention that I don't think

Making your kids move out because they are messy isn’t tough. It’s cruel. I see lots coming at me on this and I’m not interested in the long winded responses. Make them change. There are other ways of doing it without making your kids homeless.

Your interpretation of what I said is not what I meant.
I didn’t say anything about them not learning. I don’t think making your own family homeless is ethical in most cases and it’s not my job to make the adult kids clean up. Direct that to op 😆

I don’t think making your own family homeless is ethical in most cases.

Really tragic to think any parent raises their child to be so helpless, they end up homeless when asked to move out. Instead of just finding a job and a place to rent with their income like a 20-something should do. Next we'll be hearing it's unethical to not give a 25 year old pocket money because it makes them broke....

Totally agree with this.

University did me the world of good as a naive and wet behind the ears teenager. I certainly grew up pretty fast.

I'm sure some young people who don't make that leap are forever mollycoddled and enabled by their parents or probably girlfriends/wives/husbands/partners. It doesn't foster a growth mindset or ability to be a mature independent adult at all (FIL, I'm looking at you...)

It sounds like hell. I feel for you,
your behaviour will need to change if you want their behaviour to change.
its the only way. It’s easier if you are renting.
I agree with other posters, they need to grow up and you need to let them.
They can go rent a room in a shared house.
you find yourself a one bedroom place.
your living in hell right now. And you really don’t have to.
At some point we all need to cut the apron strings.
They are treating you like shit because you have let them.
good luck
GET OUT

She's said she is renting.

@Motherofone22 I don’t want to get into a big debate about it but this isn’t how it came across to me.

You stated my own behaviour was contributing to the situation as I was being aggressive to them and it was reflecting back on me and I was too blind to see it or in denial, and that I am not being honest about the reasons for the food situations and that I was reaping what I sow.

I wrote in frustration that if they did move out they would expect me to do all the work finding a place, packing their stuff, moving them in because they are lazy and entitled.

It’s clear from this attitude that you resent them, I’m sure they have picked up on this. I think you should try and fix your relationship with them as it sounds strained, and perhaps then they will respect you more and make an effort to clean the house.

Sorry but you are their mother? Of course you should help them. Why have kids in the first place if you wouldn’t expect to help them. They’ve never lived alone before and you are annoyed about helping them move their stuff in?

By all means make a suggestion for me to be more open minded or consider my own part I am open to it but I don’t have to agree and what you wrote was clear that this is all my own fault and I brought this on myself so it’s hard to now take on board your comments. You have particular mindset from I imagine having a very small child and feeling all of the protective emotions towards that helpless child. Mine are no longer those helpless children I have dedicated 20+ years of my life to raising. You may be in my shoes in years to come although I hope not.

You sound exactly like my children so it’s hard to converse with you because I am up against a level of entitlement and expectation of naive unconditional love having NO boundaries. It does.

I do resent them now but I still love them and want the best outcome for all of us.

Too right OP!
Too many self entitled feckwits around already

It is absolutely ok to love your kids and hate their behaviour. I have one that is adorable and lovely but totally on his own terms. It’s a struggle, because when he is behaving hatefully I wish he would just fuck right off and sort his life out. But he is my kid and I love him no matter what. Just don’t want to live with his unreasonable behaviour any more. You have done your bit, they are adults now, and lacking any life experience or empathy. That won’t come to them till they have had to fend for themselves so the sooner that happens the better. Best of luck, don’t beat yourself up over it, they are making their own choices now they are in their 20s. They can live by those choices too.

You're quite right to realise that you can love them and resent their behaviour simultaneously.

I did with my children. Having made them move out, our relationship improved immediately.

They're all living independently now, and we see one another often.

But they're all still untidy (apart from the eldest one) and I'm still very neat and tidy.

I couldn't live with any of them now!
Even though I love them more than life itself.

@Kilofoxtrot99 Yes and enabling poor behavior/decisions in 20-something's doesn't do them any favors in the long run. One of DD's friends has an older sister (23) who's made some poor decisions - nothing dangerous, just giving up on every opportunity after a few months, acquiring debt, and expecting her parents to bail her out- and it's reached breaking point, as they can't do it anymore. They now wish that they'd been firmer after the first time it happened.

The OP's adult child needs to learn to be civil and clean up after themselves. If they refuse to do that, they'll have to move out. The OP can't live like this indefinitely.

Oh I really feel for you OP! It sounds like you have been a great mum.

I think some young adults can continue in a stroppy teen mindset, especially at home. I don't think it's anything you've done wrong. I remember house sharing with friends at University and afterwards (so early 20s) - they were all lovely people but some of them were so messy and would leave the bathroom and kitchen in a right state. But eventually your housemates and/or landlord get fed up with you and you sort yourself out.

Though with your kids it sounds like it's the rudeness and disrespect as well as the messiness. Calling you "pick me" when you tried to find solutions is really horrible.

My kids aren't that age yet so I don't know what to advise. But it sounds like you have already tried a lot of things. I think telling them they need to move out by X date might be your best option. They are not going to be happy about it, but it's fair enough OP!

These "kids" are in their 20s, they aren't children. They are old enough to vote, they are old enough to be responsible for their own lives. What is cruel is elderly abuse, which is the direction this is heading if OP doesn't set a healthy boundary.

are you done trying to convince me to agree with you? I don’t. i know mumsnet users love to give an imaginary explanation and elaborate example to why their belief is correct along with a spreadsheet with key points. The scenarios just snowball on here!

Making your kids move out because they are messy isn’t tough. It’s cruel. I see lots coming at me on this and I’m not interested in the long winded responses. Make them change. There are other ways of doing it without making your kids homeless

No, there aren't "other ways of doing it".

Some people are just untidy.

I can't live with untidy people.

Wow you really escalated that quickly. I love the make believe on here. Sometimes it’s hilarious!!

@Motherofone22 did you miss the fact that these ‘children’ are in their 20’s? They are adults.

im interested in what way you think these ‘children’ are being reasonable? Are you saying the OP is being unreasonable by not clearing up after two adults who treat the place like a hotel?

If they were flat sharers and OP was the third flatmate, everyone would be telling her to part ways, and take her side. I remember sharing with a messy flatmate and it’s intolerable- came home to find my food had been eaten, actual shit on bathroom wall, you name it!

it’s especially disrespectful as it’s their mother and they haven’t realised they are no longer kids- sounds like you haven’t either.

I got home from work and both were in.

My younger child did an early shift today and while I was at work took the old magnetic chore charts we used to have on the fridge that I dug out and redid them in an array of different colour wipeable marker pens and neat writing for all 3 of us I think it must have taken ages. They didn’t ask for my input on the chores either and it looks fair and reasonable. I had gone and bought food.

Elder child was invited to take part to contribute to the chart when I got home and attempted another meltdown. Sometimes I want to laugh as it’s just so stupid. They were sat in their bedroom parroting on ‘I’m never here! I don’t come back very often! I don’t use the house!’ I said but you are here now, you were here yesterday; and the day before so you need to factor in even just 10 minutes to contribute to this household. It is not optional. If you do not wish to contribute at all then you need to find somewhere else to live. This cannot continue. We can look on spare room website. Then I got the emotional blackmail ‘you are always trying to get rid of me’ I left the conversation after saying I expect you to contribute this will not continue. They came down later and looked at the charts and announced they cannot do anything on Tuesdays. I said ok well you can do things on the other days. 10 minutes a day is reasonable or you move out and they stormed off. I don’t know how much progress I am making tbh

Oh gosh. At this point they both need to go. Even if the you get one isn't as bad, he clearly is easily swayed.

OP, I don't know how you all got here, but the only way out is to literally show them the door.

I also asked the youngest to tell me honestly what the issue is and where I am going wrong even if it’s brutal and why they say such mean things. They said they don’t take me seriously they know I am a pushover. The nagging is annoying but the eldest one is taking the piss and it’s getting embarrassing now. They said they do feel bad when they don’t help me but cos the older one doesn’t help they end up just thinking why should I do it when my sibling never does it’s not fair. I said that it was more mature to just do your fair share because not doing it doesn’t affect their sibling anyway it just makes our living situation worse.

You are in a difficult position because they cannot accept that they need to move out