I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

Don’t know if to laugh or cry but the night before last I was persistent with DC1 about that I am not going to stop asking. I was calm just kept repeating myself. I’m not going to stop asking you to do things in the house this is important please listen and either take responsibility and help or arrange to move out.

So they caved in after a tantrum (that I said was making me cringe) and have done what they need to but wait for it, they text me while I was out to ask if they will get a reward for doing it. I laughed until I cried tears - the audacity 😂 and I replied I would make them a lovely meal and we could spend time together perhaps in a month when things are settled, apparently this is a bit rubbish but I’ve not caved in and I’ve stuck to my word

Ask them wher your rewards are, there must be a backlog somewhere after all you've done for them. Or you can simply state that the reward is living in a clean happier home. CF!

The reward is getting to stay in the house!!! The alternative is to leave and find alternative accommodation.

Their choice, balls in their court.

Well done Pepsimaz, keep it up! If they want to trade teenage insults, fine, just get the chores done. Incidentally don't they know that "cringe" is now in itself "cringe"? 😉

Baby steps. Making progress.

You were persistent - also always having a deadline with a consequence that you communicate calmly AND adhere to is the way to go.

However the 'reward' thing re-emphasises to me that they are infantalised in the home and this behaviour dynamic is entrenched and will not serve them well. If they understand that this resistent, obstructive and combative approach is the way to behave - they will find themselves booted out of any relationship that they manage to develop. They need to experience a cooperative living arrangment otherwise you will find them back on your doorstep throughout their adult lives.

It sounds like you are making good progress however i agree with others. As adult they should not be offered rewards for doing anything in the house. I don't give my 9yr old rewards for tidying their room or helping with putting washing away etc.. They know its what you do when we all live together - many hands make light work and all that.

@Pepsimaz you are making progress! Hang in there!

I agree with others. In the 20s and asking for a reward to clean the house sounds like they have some growing up to do. If you hold the course of "tough love" they can still be steered in the right direction! Don't give up.

Start to speak and treat them like adults and be consistent. When they ask for "reward" don't even entertain it with a joke. Be frank/stern and say "you are in your 20s, market rate for rent is X and you will also need to share the load of chores, if you don't like it here the front door is that way and you are welcome back when you can treat me with equal respect".

Also consider your finances. Are you subsidising their food, utilities and rent? Maybe spreadsheet that and start charging what's fair. If you don't they might never move out as I've seen many in their 30s still living at home and not knowing how to budget. If you don't need extra money, just save it in an account for them when they move out or as emergency fund for them. Don't buy their groceries or cook for them day to day. Have separate spaces in the pantry for your own things so they get their own. By all means have a nice family meal once a week where you can make them something special as a mother. If they start cooking for you (e.g. was making their own dinner and made extra for you) then you can start doing that for them to match.

Keep us posted as we hope to hear your kids turn around.

How dare you make her feel bad for that you education snob.

Tell them perhaps, and write it down for their ongoing referal. your choice and theirs.
Perhaps this: Tell them you will pay for family therapy (if you can) , If they do this job and that job and act with respect towards you, then they can stay and remind them that they can then save money towards what may be their only chance, (certainly their best one) of getting a mortgage. Perhaps put a time limit on that, say 3 years and write down the amt they could save per wk and total.

Remind them of all you have done for them. If their unpleasant behaviour does not improve with in say 3 mths tops, then they will have to go. If it comes to it change the locks, they will have to end up at their dads door that night.

Its not reasonable for you to have to be unhappy in your own home. And tell them that. Perhasp their father could explain the same thing to them.

Just offering one view is all.

Agree with this …..
even if it is for 3/6 months . It will be a wake up call x
Tough love is sometimes needed

The reason i suggested therapy is cos you have done so much for them and i suspect that you would like better for them and to me it sounds, though i have not read the whole thread, that they need futher advice re life.

Perhaps their dad would like to help finanically w that.

This is not just about you, its about them and their development. But your welbeing is also v important. Maybe life skills will help them and maybe draw you closer again for your old age. Rifts now seem such a shame when it was so good before. Perhaps worth a go?

Maybe you should take photos of their mess/video their tantrums and send them to them. Maybe they don't see how they are really behaving. Ask if a partner would really want to live with someone who leaves this mess? Behaves this way when being asked to just act like a normal adult in a home they share?
Consider showing partner if need be. It sounds like you have been putting up with them taking the piss for far too long.

Do they pay you rent? If not, they need to start doing this, or move out. Give them the choice. Include in the rent the cost of a cleaner, split between them. That seems to be the biggest bone of contention between you. Resolve that issue by removing the main cause of conflict and you may find you are able to live together harmoniously. Kicking them out may resolve your headache, but it will do nothing for your relationship with them and should be a very last resort, IMHO. It will likely result in a huge row - not a great scenario in which to part ways with your kids.

You’ve done your best to provide for these two parasites and far from appreciating you for the love, work and effort you’ve put in they now take you for granted and trample all over you.
It stops NOW!
Do not shop for them, cook for them, clean for them, pay for their phones etc and the first thing to do to get across how pissed off you are is to change the WiFi password and when they want to know it tell them to fuck off.
selfish little cunts need a dose of reality and you can start by making a list of how you would like things to be done in YOUR HOUSE!.
Of course they have a choice, they can change or they can go, you really would be doing them a favour.

OP I really, really feel for you, what a difficult and hideous situation. You have nothing to blame yourself for and it sounds like you have been the best Mum possible in a very trying situation. Raising children is the hardest job in the world, it is 24/7 with no time off. I don't think moving your children out is the answer and yes I do think your children resent you.

However I think the reason they feel resentment is due to the fact you and their Dad are not together. All kids, however old they want their parents to be together.

Is there the option for them to go and stay with their Dad for a while? If nothing else it would give you all a bit of space and sounds like you all need it right now.

Sending virtual hugs 🤗.

It's not your fault, and yes you need to throw them out. You've raised them and this is how they treat you!. Nope sorry but I wouldn't put up with that. You've sacrificed your life yo make theirs better, well they are grown now and rude AF by the sounds of it.

It is time for you to put yourself first, you can still love you kids and not be a door mat.

Start putting yourself first, because if you do not then nobody will. You get one life, make it a happy one.

Quite.

I know this post is a bit late but hey, I thought I would put my perspective on it. What you describe sounds exactly like what my mom put up with when me and my younger sister were the same age annd living at home. We were young selfish, had no responsibilities and were doing our own thing. Our priorities were earning money, make up clothes going out and our friends. I doubt they are behaving in anyway to cause upset or out of malice and the arguments are down to the fact they see themselves as adults and don’t want to be nagged by mom, it’s that awkward transitional period between young adult and actual adulthood with all the perks being an adult comes without the responsibility. However, they will grow and fly the nest and realise how hard real grown upping is eventually. You’ll long for them to visit, then there will be grandchildren and you’ll laugh when they complain about everything their kids do that you had to put up with them.
my sister, mum and I are now best friends. Mom’s house is my sanctuary when I need to escape the madness of being a mum myself. When she visits me she’s waited on hand and foot and appreciated more than I can ever explain.
I can’t believe the drastic advice telling you to sell up and make them homeless!!! If they were in their 40’s I’d worry, but weather the storm and you will be stronger . I’d die for my mom and realise now how hard it was for her to sacrifice all she did for us. My dad on the other hand, who we saw once a month, is now getting old and has decided it’s now time to make an effort with his kids but it’s too late, he’ll never get that time back, but my mum, even tho we were total divas, but up with us and now deserves the best in return! Hang in there x

Stop buying food, cut off the hot water, get rid of internet and cable. They will leave. Tough love works. Never try to be their "friend" (unless they ask for advice).

You are their leader. Kids of every age will do exactly what is expected of them, if you are firm and hold boundaries. You tell them what is expected of them and what is NOT acceptable (drugs, boyfriends/girlfriends overnight, unplanned pregnancy). Make it perfectly clearn what you will and will not do for them and stick to it; never show weakness or fear.

My kids had these choices once they were through high school: go to college on your own dime; work to pay for anything you have/get after age 18; you can live at home but pay rent and for your own food, laundry detergent, sundries, obey the house rules; OR join the Peace Corps or the military.

OP, my first instinct is to tell you to throw them out but I've known of people who did this and had it work out and others who's kids then went down a very slippery slope and never come back from it. Its not your fault that they are messy. They are making a choice to be disrespectful to you. I honestly don't know what the answer is but if you pay for anything at all, food, Internet etc. It all stops until they learn to act like decent human beings to their mum.

OP i feel for you. im in kind of in a similar situation.
got 1 grown up child in 20's, graduated from uni 3 yrs ago. now who works abroad 7 months of the year. the other 5 months of the year they are at home with me - not working therefore doesnt contribute to anything. doesnt want to work either. sleeps most of the day or watches netflix. only goes out to socialise with friends. people have said kick them out, teach them a lesson etc etc but where would they go? in current financial climate.

i work full time and pay the bills. i have been a single parent since child was 4 months old. money was tight and i couldnt give child what all their friends had - nice house, car, foreign holidays. obviously child greatly resents this. the fact that they grew up in social housing with no car. they are so embarrassed and ashamed of this. has said to me: 'why did you have me in such bad circumstances?'
the guilt i feel is ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMING. i did my best but it wasnt good enough. therefore i keep my mouth shut and get on with it. working paying cooking cleaning etc. i feel such a failure. i know im going to get hate on here for saying this but i deeply regret having a child. it has not been the wonderful fulfilling experience everyone said it was. 100% regrets. all those years of hard work, hardship and sacrifice in my youth that i will never get back.

Get some help. Add legal cover to your home insurance policy. Get legal advice. Put the house up for sale. Give them notice. Soon.

If you rent - give notice on your lease. Let them know when the lease ends. Move out and let the landlord know the situation.

Op is renting.

Sorry to hear that. Could it be salvaged by telling them what’s expected, eg pay some rent, help with cleaning etc? If they don’t like it then they move out?

Give them a deadline to move out and change the locks.