NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

and that’s lovely

but not the case with this boy. His motivation will be the pound sign i suspect

I think some posters are thinking of what 60/70 year olds were like when they were children - our grandparents' generation. 60/70 years olds now were young adults in the 1970s and 1980s. They aren't an ignorant generation.

I would hate my child to be around that sort of talk. Children will encounter it but Heaven forbid they should hear it at home or from close relatives (I mean 'close' in the biological sense).

My late husband had a business colleague who was like that, years ago (mid to late1980s).; he had previously been a policeman for many years, sergeant in CID. My son was about 8 I think. He often came round to us and would start to sound off, thinking we might agree with him I suppose (they often do make that assumption). I told him quite clearly he had to park his views at the door because it was inappropriate to use that sort of language in front of a child.

I do wonder how much notice children really take of the opinions of grandparents. My son loved his on both sides and had fun with them but never appeared to be influenced by them. Sometimes he would tell me something grandma or granddad said, laughingly. It seemed like water off a duck's back.

However I understand how you feel.

The fact is, you can tell your son what they are like, things they said, etc, which caused you to break off communication but you can't really stop him seeing them if he wants to. That would be unfair. He has to make up his own mind. They may keep their tongues in check while he is around, who knows.

Your boy has good parents whose love and care for him which will be far more important in how turns out.

Someone up thread mentioned them giving him money. Grandparents always give their grandchildren pocket money, don't worry about that as long as it isn't lots of money.

Good luck.

That word hasn't been acceptable for decades. It was used in playgrounds in the 1970s. It has never been an acceptable word to use about your own grand-daughter. It is an ableist slur. There is no way that the use of this word could be put in a good light. From information provided by the OP, it seems that they are ignorant but also malicious.

Even when it was an “acceptable” slur, it was always a slur. No one would affectionately refer to someone with cerebral palsy that way. When someone in the playground said someone else was being “sp*zzy” they didn’t mean anything nice.

It’s absolutely not the same as (back in the day) an older person not realising that “coloured” was not the right term any more. If the GPs had ignorantly but neutrally used the term “spastic”, then they could probably be educated out of it. But they didn’t.

In fairness, that is normal for grandparents. They always give their grandkids pocket money when they visit. I doubt he goes every week.

I absolutely would tell DS that they referred to his sister in such a disgusting way. He needs to understand why you have made the decision you have and at 15 is old enough to understand.

But that word was acceptable in their time but isnt now. Its a horrible word to use but it was most likely used out of ignorance than malice.

WTF?

I'm their age, and I don't know a single person of our generation who would use that word. It was always a slur (though the word spastic was still acceptable in medical terms when I was very young). My mum would have been furious if I'd every used it. Now it's appalling, and everyone knows that.

I would never, ever forgive any relative who used that word about my child.

I think that you have to accept he’s old enough to make decisions for himself, but make sure he has the information about why you’re NC. Tell him calmly and factually. Then he can make an informed decision.

I would also find all those words very much unacceptable but I would be on damage limitation mode, and telling him what to do won’t limit damage

When we were kids an aunty (my DF sister very much split the nephew/nieces as to who she would see/ignore.
After receiving a very generous birthday present my DM had a word with me as aunty had ignored my brothers birthday (only the girls got gifts).
She had been warned it wasn't acceptable and it was either all or none.
My DM asked if i was OK handing the gift back and ofcourse I was, I hated the fact my brother was being treated badly.

Does your DS know these events with his sister have taken place? Does he know that this behaviour is one of the reasons you went NC?
Secretly meeting up, he will be getting THEIR side of the story which will definitely be how unreasonable YOU and DH are being.
Personally i would tell him the reasons, maybe not all the gorey details and say you'd rather he didn't meet up because of these reasons but if he does it can't be in secret. Also stress how unacceptable it for his GPs to be asking him to lie for them.

Your PiL will have been loving the fact they were getting 'by you' without you realising. Bringing that into the open will take away their power!

Unfortunately you can only talk to your ds and remind him secrets are not ok and anyone asking him to keep a secret or makes him feel like he cannot be honest, is not a good person.
My oldest children have communication with their grandparents but I don’t. I don’t stop them. I am open and honest about why I don’t have contact. Don’t force your child into choosing. And don’t make them stay away, unless the grandparents are physically dangerous.

How did the chat with your DS go?

I looked up average age of Reform voters and it's 56, therefore many older and younger.

Three quarters of Tommy Robinson supporters are under 35.

I agree. Age is not an excuse for racism which should alway be challenged.
I am 60+ as are most of my friends we do not have racist or anti immigrants views. And I feel extremely offended by the implication that most older people are racists because they know no better!

What a shame all round. Different generations have different views on things.
i find this lovely your 15yr old son wants to see his grand parents. Sneaking and secrets is not the way, but I think this is about all they are possibly left with.

If you and adults want NC this is your decision, but your children may want contact and I wonder if this is something you need to compromise a mutual way to avoid secrets, even if this is the best interest for your DC first and foremost.

I have no contact with my biological mother due to abuse both long term of my sister and I and toxic behaviour around my eldest.

When she was about 13/4 my grandma (who we had limited contact with as everything said to her was passed back to my BM), started sending guilt tripping messages to my teen about how my BM missed her etc and that my grandma would arrange for them to get together.

I changed my Dd's phone number as I didn't appreciate the underhand nature and told her she was old enough to make her own decisions about relationships but I wasn't going to accept sneaking around. That if she wanted to see X then be upfront and do it in a public place (she'd experienced her abusive behaviour so wasn't totally in the dark). I also went and had a conversation with my Grandma explaining that she could chat or message my dd whenever she liked but not trying to be a go between for a relationship with an abusive adult. My DD is mid 20s now and still had no contact with her Biological Grandmother but sadly it's also tainted the relationship with her great grandmother so it's letters, cards, odd phone calls/visit as she proved not to be trusted. I wish it were different as I care deeply for my grandmother but she doesn't know our 11 year old as she can't be trusted to keep them safe.

Have they tried to meet up with SIL & BIL children ie your nieces/nephews

Hi. As an adopter, I know that many adopted kids secretly connect with birth family and there is little that anyone can do about it. Often these kids are getting into really dangerous situations but the pull is strong and services rarely intervene.

And in your son's case, he too is making a choice. I know you don't agree with it but he will be making all sorts of choices of his own soon.

The general advice to adopters is to prioritise the relationship between then and the young person. Often the contact with birth family fades - the curiosity has been satisfied and there is no deep connection.

Imo you should do the same. Be there for him while he explores this part of his family. Trust that it won't last - when he finds out what they are like he is likely to have second thoughts. Don't make him choose. And don't get involved with the GPS.

You need to rectify this.

You didn't go NC for no reason. Sometimes you have to stand as a family against cruel behaviours against a minority of you.

Hopefully your DS will understand once he knows how awful MIL has been you and his sister.

I'd also be wary of what she is saying to him when they meet. I'd bet she's attempting to poison him against you.

Getting DS to keep secrets from you is a major red flag firstly, it's very manipulative. After reading your posts I think you should have a chat with DS and explain to him exactly why you went NC. Then, he can make up his own mind. I'd be absolutely fuming in your place btw.

Not read the full thread but even before I got to the s* slur (which made me gasp) I was 100% on your side. Yes, he's 15 and old enough to make his own decisions but your house, your rules. And as he's old enough to make his decisions he's also old enough to know the full details.

Absolute bastards.

I let my DS visit his DGPs when I was NC.

I hardly think that the grandfather referring to his grand-daughter, i.e. the 15yr old son's sister (who has cerebral palsy) as a 'sp*z' can be brushed off as just 'different generations having different views on things' and it isn't lovely that their son wants to see these grandparents (although hopefully he would change his mind if he knew what they had said about his sister).

Don’t burden your son with the adult mess. If he enjoys his gp’s company, let him continue without the sneaking to do it. Do ask him not to carry family business to the gps. Otherwise, let him be a happy teenager without being in the middle of family drama.