NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

Be prepared for him to still want to see his grandparents even after you tell him the truth about them. From his perspective, they haven't actually done anything to harm him. He hasn't witnessed anything bad. He hasn't been affected by their behaviour. He is not going to feel the same about them as you do. If you react negatively towards him for this, it will only damage your relationship with him and strengthen his with them. Do explain to him the reasons why you and DH chose to go NC, but then accept that he might still want to have a relationship with them.

this. Have this conversation with your DS very very clearly.

Tell him that there is a reason you have been NC with his father's parents, and tell him why if he asks.He must be honest with you about where he is going. Not necessarily because you can really ban him from seeing anyone but because lying about where he is is a dangerous precedent to set .(newsflash for MIL though: grandparents have zero rights, except in very narrow specific circs, over access to grandkids)

But I'd be clear that i was furious with him and them for lying to you, especially with them, and i would not lift the slightest finger to facilitate contact etc.

Tell him the history

Say he’s free to see his GPs if he still wants to

but he is NOT to accept money in exchange for visits

and i guarantee he won’t see them

He’s not bothered about seeing his GPs with whom he’s never been remotely close to

He wants the money

He's 15, he's old enough to decide who he can and can't see. He's also old enough to be told why you're NC. If theyre as nasty as your saying he won't want contact for long.

Atm your making them look like victims in his eyes by resricting him, let him know what they're like and he'll realise that they're not worth his time.

And all of the talk of coercive control by the GP’s…real overreaction to dealing with something that a 15 year old can understand.

Could it be that as part of the same family, that they love each other….

He needs the whole truth to make his own decisions.

I actually think you de need to tell him exactly why you finally went NC.

In fact his father should as it's his parents.

Then say he's 15yo and old enough to make his own decisions but you do t want him lying to you about where he's going.

And make it damned clear if he's heard repeating anything or saying anything like they have they'll be severe consequences for him.

He's old enough now to accept the consequences of his own actions and therefore old enough to know the truth of the consequences to his GPs actions.

Even if the in-laws are unsavoury people, I really think your DS should be allowed to decide whether he sees them or not. We are all flawed. A relationship with a grandparent can be a very enriching thing.

They've also been giving him £20 here and there

Ha. Yeah, I bet they have. I was going to ask but you answered this anyway.

I'm sure the daughter about whom they used a disgusting ableist slur would like to have a grandparental relationship too.

OP will have a better view of the lie of the land once she has explained that little gem to her son. Because if he still wants to see them knowing that, there are other discussions to be had.

All this and you don't know what the GP's have said to the DS.

At the moment all you are doing is providing a way for the OP to force her DS in to the GP's waiting hands.

nah, unlikely

you don’t know 15 year old boys do you
he barely knows his GPs
they live half an hour away
they have previously been utterly disinterested in him

He’s seeing the pound signs

You need to tell him what they said.

I don't know how you've never had conversations with your DS about their views.

You have to look a bit at your own actions here. Hiding your DS from stuff hasn't helped.

The in-laws sound very unpleasant, but your son is old enough to have his own friendships, some of which might be with people you don't approve of.

Those saying the grandparents views are of their age, that's rubbish, today's 70 plus year olds were the 60/ 70s hippys, the greenham common protesters, the civil rights protesters, anti- apartheid campaigner, women's rights protesters...the ones who had abhorrent views knew even then what they were saying was wrong. Today's racists cover all ages.

A 15 year old will know those views exist, social media is awash with it.

He's 15. I disagree with this notion that we should stop having relationships with people who have abhorrent views, there is more strength in letting them realise for themselves what kind of people they are.

You can tell him about them, but the more you say you don't want him to see them, the greater the desire will be, because teenagers don't like, and shouldn't be told who they are and aren't allowed to have relationships with. And the reality is that they might actually love each other, and he's entitled to that.

The more you push back against this, the more likely it is that you will be the one who looses out.

Exactly, my parents are 77, protested a lot in their youth, and are not racist or ablist. But then they were at university in the late 60s, as you say.

My PiL was fine, 80, but since his wife's death has latched onto GB news, voted Reform and frankly is not someone I want to spend any time around these days. Dp is doing his best to point out that it's not ok while still having his own grief and accepting his father's.

But it's not a generational thing by any shot.

I really think you should tell your son what they called your DD. My son has cerebal palsy and if anyone called him that word then his siblings would immediately close ranks and want nothing to do with the person/people who said it.

I feel your pain, its a disgusting thing to say at all but about your own grandchild?!

I agree. My parents are the IL's age and are nothing like this.

ETA - musing further and have realised that the people I have met who are like this are invariably younger, more my age so 40'/50's.

No there fucking isn't!

I would agree with this too. They give him money so he is happy to go, they get to "win" one over on the OP. Its a transaction, they are happy to pay to win, he doesnt know or care what its about as long as he gets the cash. No love involved here.

Thank you

What's the average age of a Tommy Robinson supporter?

Oh I do, Six teen and older sons between my partner and I.

They all love their grandparents, all sides of the family.

They visit regularly. They listen and challenge them when they have to. They share interests and like spending time together.

I did not. But that word was acceptable in their time but isnt now. Its a horrible word to use but it was most likely used out of ignorance than malice.

OP shouldve told them off and educated them rather than go straight to burning bridges and playing the "you cant see them anymore" card

NannyOgg, that's a good question. I am 74 and belong to a couple of nostalgic Birtain groups and Tommy Robinson and Farge type supporters flood the threads with horrible, pointless comments, are rude and, often, semi-literate. I was more of the type you described and wonder where they are all coming from! It's horrible; a reasonable, moderate person can hardly get a word in edgeways. Discussion is stifled.

Interesting though :).

I don't know in what age bracket TR and-his-ilk supporters are, dread to think it might be mine. Surely not. Are there stats? I'm scared to look.