NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

The word spastic is a medical term a disruption in muscle movement patterns causing certain muscles to contract all at once when you try to move or at rest. It’s acceptable medical terminology.

Does your son know why your NC?

We're NC with one set of adult siblings and our 15yo knows exactly why and hasn't ever expressed a desire to meet them. I doubt he ever will. He might have a fleeting wish to meet cousins but uncle and aunts actions are too despicable in his eyes (and any sane person's eyes).

15 is an ok age to share why.

Any adult who told my child to keep secrets from me and DH would not be seeing my child again. Tell your son everything.

Why would you hide this important part from him, he's not five.

It's not acceptable medical terminology for someone with Cerebral Palsy. And it's not a noun.

My sons Cerebal Palsy is described as Spastic Cerebal Palsy due to the muscles spasms that he has. So yes it is a medical term. That said, no it isnt a noun.

Right. He is not 'a spastic', or even worse, a pejoritive 'spaz'.

Presumably you wouldn't be impressed if a close relative who's supposed to live him, referred to him as 'a spaz' to a neighbour. And no-one of my generation should be doing so, even if they used the word in the playground when they were 7.

MN have hidden my response, because I used the pejoritive. So I'll try again.

Exactly. 'A spastic' is not a medical term for a person with CP. Your child is not 'a spastic' nor, even worse, is he the pejorative 'a sp*z'. No-one of my generation should be using those nouns for a person, even if they did in the playground when they were 7.

I've been nc with my mum for about 8 years now but always gave my children the choice whether to see her or not. DS (29 now) sees her quite regularly but DD1 (27) and DD2 (22) don't. My only stipulation was that DS made sure she didn't bad mouth me to him, which she inevitably did, so he had to tell her he would stop seeing her if she carried on. Anyway, in your situation, and the fact MIL wasn't interested in your DC previously, makes me think that she'll soon lose interest. She seems to only be doing it to get at you, and if she thinks that's not working, she won't want to make the effort. I understand it's difficult though.

Punishment for lying about his wherabouts, not punishment for seeing GP.

The grandfather did not use that word and as previous posters have pointed out, it isn't a noun. It isn't a word that is used today to refer to people with cerebral palsy.

The word that the grandfather used to refer to his grand-daughter was 'sp*z'. Are you trying to defend the use of this word?

You are being very controlling. Is your issue that your son is acting outside your control and making his own (sensible) decisions? He wants to see his grandparents. If he sees them freely and is not at any risk of harm there, then you have to let go otherwise you might lose him too.

He sounds old enough to be told why you all don't speak. Tell him.

I'm sorry, this is a horrible situation.

Strictly speaking, GP have no rights, either morally or in law. GP are welcome to make an application to the Family Court to have contact, just like everyone else. It doesn't mean they are going to get it, which is, also, just like everyone else.

Contact is all about the welfare and best interests of the child when an application is considered. GPs endeavour to demonstrate this and without significant reasons to the contrary, contact may well be granted. However, the age of your DS would mean however that he can pretty much decide for himself who he sees, so here's where your solution lies.

I suggest you have a sit down with DS and explain a few things:

I assume he doesn't understand their politics and the implications, their behaviours and treatment of his parents, sister and uncle's family. Spell it out.

I would also bring BIL into it to help underline the position that his GP are using him to hurt and punish his family because they stood up against the GP's overt abuse. They knew full well that it would just be a matter of time until the secret meetings came to light. The implications aren't great.

Finally, I would be clear that it is possible to love your GP but not respect their politics and behaviours. Unpalatable, but the way to do this is for DS to see them with your blessing. DS is going to see them anyway, but this way you put a stop to the secret-keeping, endorse his feelings for his GPs but simultaneously give him the awareness to recognise poor behaviours for what they are.

You can be emotionally attached to and respect the role someone has had in your life but not respect what they stand for or how they behave towards others. How your DS navigates this is now his journey. I didn't enjoy typing that any more than you've just enjoyed reading that, believe me.

Talk to him openly about why you made the decision to go NC (and that you wanted to protect your family from people who held views and behaviors you consider to me abhorrent) and then let him continue to visit as long as he tells you about it and make up his own mind if he wants to see them or not. It sounds like they manipulated quite a sweet boy into feeling bad for them and the best remedy is transparency and trust in him. If he does want to see continue, they will probably make even more effort for a bit and then both they and he may be less interested after the first few times when it is no longer forbidden fruit. I would also explain to him why you need his help to protect the younger siblings for the moment as they are too young to make the same decisions yet.

Sorry it did make me chuckle that he says he's seeing his friends but sneaking to see his grandparents 😅 most 15 year olds it would be the opposite! I would say you need to have a very open conversation with him about what's happened and why you don't speak to them anymore. Arm him with the facts and then let him make his own choices!

I think at 15 he is more than capable of having a conversation with you about your reasons for not being in contact with PIL. I would keep it factual and calm. Tell him what they said about his sister. Then let him make his own decision.

There is also the possibility that he may not care about his sister being referred to like that. I had a cousin whose 2 nd child had CP. His brother detested him and called him all those sort of names.

He felt that the sibling has ruined his life and was ultra embarrassing

Agree with this. He needs to know

1. He shouldn't lie about where he is and who he is with

2. If he wants to continue a relationship with his GP you won't stop him

3. Any adult encouraging a child to sneak around, keep secrets from and lie to their parents is unlikely to be a good person

4. The reasons behind you going NC, that they were unkind, made racist amd disablist comments including towards his sister and you wanted to protect your family from that

"DD has cerebral palsy. The final straw was FIL calling her a sp*z."

Yes this is ignorant and nasty. It is to be hoped that DS will see this as a reflection on the grandparent, not on his sister who he will know as her own person. Hopefully he can learn to make his own judgements about people who think and behave like this towards others.

@CatherineDurrant excellent post, particularly after the horse has bolted :as is the case here

Op this sounds like a good way forward and simultaneously arming him with information.

I would also strongly consider telling him what narrassitc personality disorder is as well. Narcs usually want to win at all costs.

A question for those that want to punish the boy for lying.

Do you not understand the power that this will hand over to the GP's?

They will be able to turn this in to the OP not trusting him and wanting to control his movements by treating as a child.

If the OP has a sensible sensible adult conversation and and treats him like a adult (even a young one) she will be able to make sure that her DS feels valued and able to make decisions.

We've spoken to him.

Made it very clear that he wasn't being punished, but that it's not OK to keep secrets and that adults shouldn't be telling children to keep secrets from their parents.

Went through all the reasons for our NC decision, managed to keep it very objective

Explained that his DGF called his sister a sp*z told him the context of the comment. "is that the grandkids over? Yes, not the sp*z one though, that's David's, it's the two normal ones today"

Told him we weren't banning him from meeting them and if he wants to keep seeing them we'd like to know.

He and his sister went to BIL and SIL for dinner yesterday. SIL said he unprompted asked questions of their NC reasons.

We'll wait and see, at the very least I'm satisfied it'll not be happening in secret now.

This. All day long.

Did you bother to read any of the OP’s updates before you posted ?