To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

Oooh, dear! We are judgmental, arent' we?! If that is all you have to worry about, then you are a very lucky person. Do you know the lady's personal circumstances, how she felt about it all? Perhaps she is suffering deep down inside and the holiday was the only way for her to have a release. Perhaps the holiday cost a fortune and the family decided that mum would have wanted them to go way after she died. I think you need to grow up and, heaven forbid, should you ever face real life (take a look at what is going on in the world on the news) that you are not so judgement to your fellow human.

2 days after my DH died a very close friend scooped me up and took me to the coast where we had lunch/drinks/dinner. I had nursed him for months and then been at his hospital bedside for weeks knowing that he was dying, very traumatically. I was exhausted and ill.

What is important is the stuff that comes before the death, what you do to provide comfort and support to the person who is dying. What you do after has zero effect on them and yes, that includes a holiday with drinks and SM pictures.

You are very judgmental.

You’ve massively overreacted.

YABVU. Just... unbelievable. Not her, you.

You judgemental person. People grieve differently and if enjoying her holiday with her family gave her a bit of a break from the grief, why shouldn’t she??

What should she have done? Sat at home with the curtains drawn, wearing a black cloak?

I can’t believe people like you exist. Not everyone behaves the way you do (thank god).

Absolutely do not do that!

You know you are unreasonable.

At least your friend now knows she can't rely on you.

Wow! You're harsh OP!

I lost my lovely mum in December last year. Her funeral was the day before Christmas Eve...we still celebrated Christmas as a family and posted photographs. This in no way diminished our grief or love for my mum.

You are being VERY unreasonable (and more than a tad sanctimonious!)

How judgy. Im shocked at this.

Yes. But she got Mumsnet well and truly wound up and frothing, so job done!

Mmm. I’m left wondering why you posted in the first place. Did you have a tickle of a thought that YABU? Or were you posting hoping for validation? Let’s be charitable and assume the former.
I remember when my grandma died…I saw a stranger in the street who looked like her and I absolutely HATED her just for being alive when my grandma wasn’t. It was the most irrational thought I’ve ever had in my life and shocked me with its strength. Is there a possibility that somewhere deep inside you hate your friend because she had her mum longer than you had yours? That might explain what on the face of it is a pretty poor response to the photo.

YABVU - your projecting how you felt onto someone else and being extremely judgemental of it.
Also pointing out the bloody obvious social media is a 2 second snap shot!

When my FIL died we went on our still booked holiday a few weeks later before his funeral. It did my husband the world of good for his mental health to have a break away for a little bit. It didn't mean he wasn't grieving.
We did the same when my dad passed away, again on a pre booked trip and definitely didn't mean I wasn't constantly thinking about him. But my dad and my FIL would have given us a right riot if we cancelled in their name! It's different if it would have meant missing the funerals but actually it helped a lot just to have a little break from flowers, eulogies, etc etc etc.

Stop being so bloody judgemental and projecting

How utterly devastating for you 💐

Big overreaction from you and very judgmental especially as you don’t know the circumstances.

I used to be judgmental too, so know how easy to do and how harsh it is.

No I wouldn’t have unfriended her nor looked at how your friend and her family are grieving.

You are being very unreasonable. Some people don't actually grieve immediately, they run on automatic and are maybe a little numb to it. Some people fall apart and couldn't imagine going away at a time like that. Either way it's her grief to deal with and absolutely no business of yours.

Grief is an internal thing. You take it with you wherever you go. She hasn't left it behind and gone on holiday without it. As someone who's lost their Mum, you ought to know better.

She's well rid of you.

@Ella31 I am so sorry for your loss.

If I was your friend I’d just be in awe of your strength at still functioning. Even as someone who doesn’t know you, I still am. I’m so sorry that your boys couldn’t stay xx

YABVU.
When I lose people I have the biggest desire to LIVE life to the full. Distract myself from the pain.

Well earned holiday for the family. They deserve to let their hair down and have fun. Perhaps it's to celebrate the deceased's life. If the holiday had been booked months in advance then why cancel? It's a possibility.

So her mum died, she’s the one dealing with the loss and you’ve made it about you? That’s a whole new level of selfishness.

Who are you to tell her she has to grieve and how to do it 'properly'?

My Dad died in January, I was so close to him and we never argued once in my entire life. He was in ITU for the three weeks before we lost him, and I was there with him all day, every day until the nursing staff had to actually ask me to leave in the evenings. One of the nights he was in ITU, my friends invited me over for our annual Christmas get-together and I went because the alternative was to lie in bed at home torturing myself over not being allowed to be with Dad. I didn’t drink, I had my phone on and could have left at a moment’s notice if I needed to. He would have insisted I’d gone and had a nice evening with my friends. Nothing happened that night and I got to feel a little bit like myself for a few hours surrounded by the love of my friends.

I went to see my hairdresser (a friend) two days after he died because I barely recognised myself after the trauma of the previous three weeks; she did the colour I’d paid for, then treated me to a cut and finish and refused to take anything for it. I then went away for the weekend to stay with my friend in a beautiful, peaceful part of the country because there was nothing else I could do while we waited for things to be done so we could plan his funeral. I even managed to have a laugh and raise a toast to my Dad with my friend, who knew him.

This is what your friends are supposed to do when you lose a parent, not unfriend you because you’re not grieving in the way they think you should be. You were heartless and cruel and it seems her life is all the richer without you in it.

Unreasonable and judgmental. The holiday may have been booked well in advance and you said her mum was elderly so possibly unexpected. You have no way of knowing how she or any of her family are feeling or how they grieve. If you unfriended her at a very sad time based on just this then you’re making it all about you. I’d venture that you’re not much of a friend to be honest.

Holiday probably pre-booked 9 months ago.
Mother perhaps wasn't that ill at the time.
Mother probably like my parents ; 'You must go on holiday whatever, don't go changing your plans just because of me'

Sorry for the loss of your mother, I know this wasn't what YOU would choose to do, but it's perfectly valid actions for many.

Bloody hell, OP.

Oh well, sounds like you've done her a favour by unfriending her.