To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

As autistic kids are so different (I have one too) only you can say what making her go would look like. For us in this situation, it would include a great big row followed by “FINE!” and her getting in the car with 3000 fidgets, headphones on and her hood up. After a bit of performative stropping getting out of the car, one of two things would happen. She would either have a lovely day (likely if it is something up her street) and thank me for making her go at the end of it, or would not warm up and the whole day would be a bit rubbish.

How’s her life generally at the moment? I find if she’s out if social energy it’s hard to make her leave the house for anything at all.

The truth is that if you insist on only whole family days out, then the eldest doesn't get to do age/interest appropriate things and misses out. Sometimes one of you needs to go and split the children. However it sounds like an anxiety response (now you've clarified things with her), all you can do is reassure her that you will take her somewhere quiet if she is getting overwhelmed. I'm sure that you already talk through her fears and tell her the possible solutions. Just keep doing that.

If the teenagers you know go to a school anything like my son's school, they will have been told by a teacher that JK Rowling made a series of transphobic tweets on Twitter, even though it's nonsense and none of the children ( yr7) were aware of any controversy previously. No background or detail or explanation given. All of them, except my son, now believe this.

Definitely insist she comes. It is a fantastic day out whether you’re into Harry Potter or not - we’ve been a couple of times and all of us have loved it. There is a massive range of ages who look round. 15 is not too old - there are loads of grown-ups who are there without children. You were right to wait until your son was old enough to get something out of it, though - it’s a huge site and younger kids would struggle.

Just seen your latest post @Dawevi. If it’s because she objects to JK Rowling’s views on trans people, that’s a tough one, as it’s more a principle for her. And her friends might ask her why she’s going if they share her views. I was vegetarian at 15 and would’ve refused to go for a family meal at a steakhouse, out of moral principle. Lots of young people are into boycotts as a peaceful way to protest.

Does JK Rowling actually make any money from Harry Potter World?

The teen way of being is to be anti-JK Rowling, she's a TERF 🙄 so your daughter may be conflicted by her love of harry potter and trying to fit in with her peers.

I think that sounds like you are very reasonable.

Can you discuss how the day will go? What happens if she feels she will melt down?

I've just had a look at the website and found their 'autism and visitor support guide'

Maybe go through it together?

s32508.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/WBSTL-Autism-and-Visitor-Support-Guide-2023_LR.pdf

Yes the eldest is autistic.

OP if your family life is often arranged around your DD's needs, perhaps it would do no harm to have a day for DS with him front and centre.

No I'm not eating my words. There's quite a lot to unpack in that "explanation" but
, I thought she still was until after the tickets were bought, we thought they would both love this trip, and it is booked and paid for.

OP could have asked before it was booked.

Why does the consensus seem to be dragging a disabled girl to an attraction that she wanted to go to years ago to appease a little boy? Why are his needs more important than hers?

@Tangerinenets so could you give me some actual advice on how you do it please.
If my autistic 16 year old decides she isn't going somewhere she physically doesn't move. How do I move her?

And why do her needs trump his? She sounds high functioning and the problem is a combination (or mostly) her being a grumpy teenager and a bit of her disability on the side.

Maybe she's had a developmental growth spurt and feels too old for it now, or she might enjoy the fantasy in private but doesn't want to be seen that way in public?

She's 15 years old and can't be without her whole family for the day, that doesn't read high functioning to me. She's trying to advocate for herself but people are suggesting that she should be forced into a situation she doesn't feel happy about to make her little brother happy.

We do lots of stuff where one parent goes with one child but I don't call that a family day. A family day is all of us.

We do lots of stuff where one parent goes with one child but I don't call that a family day. A family day is all of us.

Why are you so obsessed with "a family day" ? You booked this "family day" with no prior reference to at least one member of your family.

The JKR issue must be regional or something. All the teens I know and from what DC tell me the JKR thing is old news thanks to the kids getting older/more able to do their own research, and HP is still very much loved by everyone.

I can definitely see a change in the tide with youngsters I know, it's now uncool to be 'woke' and they all go along with it in school just to avoid detentions etc. but hardly any of them are on board with it anymore.

OP could have asked before it was booked.

It was booked as a surprise for BOTH children because BOTH children liked Harry Potter! Of course she wouldn't ask first!

OP, if your daughter won't tell you what's really niggling her, I think the previous suggestion of writing down things you think it might be, together with an 'other' option that DD can then write on might be a way forward.

When push comes to shove, you're not able to leave her at home, so she needs to go with you all.

Nope, not buying that either. It's a surprise is a poor excuse and many people don't like surprises.

That's how most families work

Does she get anxious about 'the idea' of going to some places or doing some things that are completely new? DS often doesn't like the idea of change or some transitions. I would definitely take her whatever the case because I agree with you that she'll probably enjoy it once she gets there.

It could just be her age. My dd12 never wants to do anything with us unless it involves shopping but I will drag her along anyway and she always enjoys herself once she’s there. If it isn’t going to have any real negative impact on her then I would take her. As you said the worse she’ll be is bored!
Also I’m not normally soppy but you sound like a great mum!

I'm not. It's just what I've called it because that's what it is. A day when we all do the same thing together. It's you who is getting het up about it.

I work there and I can 100% assure you she will be taken great care off.

However I realise the issue is actually getting her there.

Could she be overwhelmed regarding the crowds etc. What time is your ticket?

This is what I would suggest if she will go

1. Phone call centre and explain the situation. She if they will change time to first slot or last slot. This way she will avoid as many crowds as possible. If that isn't poss then get there early or arrive later and do it that way. You will be allowed in.
2. We have staff that can enable u to skip queues
3. Loads of people wear sunflower lanyards or headphones. However if your dd thinks she will stand out she doesn't need too. You can still skip queues.

4 there is a sensory room in the mid point cafe. We also have sensory bags to borrow

1. Loads of the staff are ASD or ADHD. I can't think why but HP attracts them 🤩
2. The staff are highly trained and have excellent customer service skills.
3. Loads of the visitors will also be ASD, again it's attracts them and is a special interest often.

My dd is autistic and I absolutely love seeing the kids arrive and they are so excited and hand flapping away Adults skipping etc. It's a beautiful sight 🥰