To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

Which completely ignores the fact that DD has other disabilities which may be a factor, and that there may now be an element of sensory issues to her autism - crowds, being jostled, loud noise etc. DD wasn’t asked if she wanted to go - from what OP says, the tickets were bought as a surprise for DD and DS.

I would gently try to find out why she changed her mind, especially if she usually tells you things and HP has been something she was so much into for so long. Can she be worried of upsetting you or her sibling if she opens up about what really bothers her? She may not know how to say this, or how to describe what she feels. Is her upset really about the HP experience, or something else?

Also, I am really suprised by your comment that she always asked to go but you did not want to so you didn't - eventually changing your mind when they both asked, repeatedly. And that you know very little of, and take little interest in, both of your autistic children passion.

Terf? (I had to google it) Gosh so many young, women hating, woke teenagers! If that was the case I’d worry for this world.

Thankfully I know this isn’t the norm around the majority of teenagers. I have teenagers and they are far too mature to use silly phrases like Terf. They and their friends are normal people who don’t unkindly label people that are supportive of women.

My DD is autistic and I took her to the HP experience as she was desparate to go. It was a disaster. She couldn't cope with the queues and the volume of people and we were in and out within 45 very expensive minutes. I would think long and hard about any sensory issues she has that might scupper the day. IME forcing a day out on a reluctant child with autism is chancing it big time. She's expressed discomfort about going but you want to disregard it. How do you think your daughter will feel about that?

'I've said it twice. I'm also autistic as is DS. And without a good reason I'm not ruining our family day out by two of us not going. You think I'm unreasonable, but I'm not convinced that I am.'

Is your son's autism more similar to yours? It would explain why it's harder to relate to your daughter.

Are your children autistic?

One parent goes, with the son and a friend. The other stays at home. That's just what life can be like with an autistic child.

It can also be what life is like with a teen who thinks she can rule the roost.

Only OP knows her DD and she appears to be veering towards "you are coming, take a book and wait in the car" which is a very sensible approach.

No-one is saying they are - what’s your point ?

Absolutely and without a doubt my nearly 15 year old would be coming. We are a family and we all have to make sacrifices and do things that we don't want to do sometimes (which includes the 9 year old being dragged around superdrug with the older one) - it's all give and take.
I'd sweeten the deal by letting her choose the restaurant that we ate in (or take away or whatever) and make sure that i booked in an activity for her (that we all went to) to hammer home the point.

sorry for the double post!

These teenagers really need to do some proper reading and research rather than jumping on the Terf bandwagon because it's been decided JK Rowling should be cancelled.

She's done an awful lot for women that people ignore.

Except that at no point has OP actually said that. Especially as DD has other disabilities and needs care. Autism is not about thinking you can rule the roost.

This. It's a worrying trend because they want to marginalise any girls or women who have genuine concerns by giving them a name and rather than engaging in a conversation, you get told "you're a terf, oh my god" and immediately silenced.

No it's the opposite. DD and I are almost exactly the same, DS is ADHD as well so he's totally different. I relate to DD totally, we have a very close bond and I understand her even when she's situationally mute - I can read her eyes and body language nearly all of the time and she uses me to translate for her.

I would say she has to go.

I also think you'll all end up having a fantastic time. We went with older teens and we all loved it.

See if you can work out what is bothering her, but ultimately explain that you are all going together.

Thanks for all the replies, I'll try and address some of the points brought up:

We really do not favour DS. I'm really careful to give them both time and I actually spend a lot of time making sure family life is arranged around DD as her needs are more complex and she has a lot of rituals and sensory issues that we need to accommodate. We made him go to something he wasn't keen on in the summer because DD wanted to go, and he spends a lot of time at home having to accommodate her rituals which do impinge on his life a fair bit.

The reasons we booked it now rather than years ago is that they are BOTH now into it. Previously it was only DD plus I thought DS wouldn't enjoy it and would be disruptive if we went, plus we generally don't go as a family to something only one person is into. So when I saw they were both into it and enjoying it, I thought it would be great to take them (even though I think DH and I will be a bit bored, potentially, but that's fine, we are going for the kids).

I'm very aware of all our additional needs and requirements and good at juggling and accommodating them all. DD won't be thinking about crowds etc as she knows I'll ensure she has what she needs. She knows I'm her advocate and protector, I've had to do a lot of fighting for her with schools and doctors.

People accusing me of being a bad parent for not watching HP are very far off the mark. I've spent hours listening to both my children talk about their special interests, watching TV I'm not interested in, etc. HP was the one I didn't get involved in much and DD read the books at school, and talked with her friends about it. But I know all about Pokémon and Hatsune Miku!

We didn't "do" HP pre age 10 for her at all. She wasn't allowed before then to read the books because there are themes in there that we didn't feel were appropriate and that aren't compatible with our family faith, and we didn't want the kids reading the books and seeing the films until they were old enough for us to have discussions around that. We also don't do Halloween for this reason.

So now DS is 10 they are both old enough for the discussions, and DD knows this. We've had very open conversations about all this.

I don't know if it's the trans thing. There was a conversation over a year ago when she said she thought JK Rowling was transphobic, but we looked at what JK actually wrote and said and she agreed it wasn't. And when she was all quiet the other day and I didn't know why she was quiet, I asked her if it was to do with that (running through a list of all possibles however tenuous) and she said no. I eventually got it out of her it was to do with the trip. So I don't know as she seems to have said it isn't that.

I actually said to her when she was unable to articulate what she was thinking, "does it help to know that it's booked so we are going?" as often it does help her to know there's no options, she finds making decisions really hard.

I am going to try talking to her again obviously. But this thread was about am I unreasonable to approach those chats with the stance that we are all going unless a very good reason is given (and I honestly can't think of what one would be).

The bottom line is that she was into HP until very very recently, I thought she still was until after the tickets were bought, we thought they would both love this trip, and it is booked and paid for.

Too old for Harry Potter? That's funny given the amount of adults who love it! 😂

YANBU to expect her to go on a family day out, especially if it cost a lot.

But it is really typical for a 15yo to get to a point where they don’t want to do so much as a family and moan about going places together. It starts to feel a bit cringe for them, especially if they feel they’re expected to enjoy ‘kids stuff’. Her disabilities might heighten it too. Perhaps she’s anxious about having to use her wheelchair there. At 15, kids get conscious about their appearance etc.

Perhaps a slight change of tack might work? Show her you respect her as a young adult by saying something like: “I know you’re getting a bit old for family days at theme parks, but DS will love it and it’d be good to hang out with you too. Harry Potter’s not that kiddie as lots of adults go there”. Speak to her as you would a mate who’s reluctant, rather than a child being told she has to come.

Why would a day out be ruined if not all the family are there? You and your son could have a lovely time together.

I still think this reads like you didn't take her in her Harry Potter phase, but are taking your ds. 10 is a usual age for that, while 15 is a bit old.

If you don't want to go either, then why not stay at home with your dd? It isn't fair to blame your dd for not wanting to do an activity she wasn't consulted on. She isn't ruining the day out, you did when you booked without discussing it. I get that's not done with bad intent, but you shouldn't try to locate the problem in your dd just because it hasn't been received like you imagined.

I'm not addressing the main point of the thread I know, but I think you and DH may be more enthused and certainly enjoy it more if you have seen the films.

We've just re-watched them all in the summer holidays over a couple of weeks - they're cracking good films. Can you do this as a family/with DD and would that get her excited to go?

My niece has brain damage and is high functioning autistic, anxiety and is 15. We've done the HP Warner Bros tour 3 times with her, all 3 times and she didn't want to go each time but absolutely loved it and we ended up doing it 3 times because she spent so long examining everything.

The staff were amazing, supportive and understanding and help with wheelchair access and queues too.

And you're never too old for Harry Potter! We are going next year as we wanted to wait for more new stuff to be added and DS will be 17 and is looking forward to it

OP I hope all those on this thread calling you a bad parent are now eating their words.