To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

Agreed!!

My dc were well into HP for several years, hit at 13 and 16 now, not so much.

They can’t leave her at home, she has other disabilities and needs care.

That's very black and white thinking.

I'm autistic and sometimes I look forward to things but then my tolerance for withstanding multiple noises at once, lots of people in busy places, the change in routine and the lack of autonomy really catch up with me and can make me do a 180°. Support needs fluctuate.

I would be really upset if my family put the value of a ticket or 2 above me expressing my current needs.

I do think you are being unreasonable.

No 2 autistic people are the same so your daughters needs and tolerances won't be the same as yours.

Its because she overwhelmed at the idea/newness/anxiety or it. (Asd new thing, often an aversion to trips/the unlnown). Once she gets there she might be fine.

Well she used to want to go now she doesn’t. She’s probably outgrown it, I mean it’s obviously not the sort of thing a teenager would go for.

DS had this opinion of JK Rowling but when I challenged he did his own research and concluded she wasn’t being transphobic but his opinion was very welcome amongst his friends - none of whom thought doing their own research was a good use of their time - easier to blindly judge.

@djmaggie hit the nail on the hean IMO. This was my exact first thought too. Why didn't you take her when she was younger and wanted to go? Why does the brother get the experience when she loved it first?
5 years is a nothing age gap too so can't use that excuse.

Totally agree with this. (Speaking also as an Autistic woman with an Autistic daughter)

I booked three separate events for us last Christmas. All things we have done before. Ended up not going to any of them, as DD couldn't face them when the dates arrived. Can't be helped. Things she used to enjoy, she now can't tolerate due to fatigue, sensory overwhelm, and fluctuating anxiety.

It's part of supporting someone with Autism.

Completely appreciate that it must be more difficult having to also consider a second child's needs.

People with autism aren't a separate species, you do know that right? Why don't you click away if you don't like it.

You sucked it up for her brother but couldn't for her. The reason why she's miffed is obvious.

Yes thats absolutely what I was saying, can't make this shit up 🤣

Exactly!

From a different angle, you could say it's unreasonable to put yourself through something you don't want to do, despite the fact it was initially planned as a family trip. Perhaps consider that if you don't want to go, and DD doesn't either, then maybe your OH take DS and some friends, and you stay at home with DD - or do something different as a girls day. That seems just as a reasonable as forcing everyone to go, just because that was how it was initially framed. Although equally it wouldn't be unreasonable to say to DD that she has to go because the tickets were booked and she said she wanted to go in the past, so that's why you booked them.

Can your husband not stay home with her and you take a friend of your son and their mum if you have one your friends with?

It could be she's mentioned the trip to a friend and the friend has gone OH no not Harry Potter and now your DD is conflicted between not going and not being seen as a JK supporter.

This is the sort of thing that might seem ridiculous to you but she might be really really worried about.

Don’t make a big thing of it but make it clear it’s a whole family outing. ”DD, I know you’re nervous but it will be great, I’m sure, and next time you can choose where we go for a whole family trip”

Sometimes questioning about ‘why’ can just entrench views, so don’t push that. Just be calm and matter of fact.

Well then follow her lead - she IS going, but you don't have to talk about it beyond that.

"Remember we are going to HP World on 5th October DD"
"I'm not going"
"Yes you are, we are all going. We leave at 10am. Shall we go for Macds or pizza after?" etc. Then she gets some choice in the day.

On repeat, so she knows the plan.

Keep it to the facts. You are ALL going, and that is that.

In terms of your aibu, I think I'd err on the side of expecting her to go given the expense, the fact you think she'll enjoy it and the fact that not going means everyone will miss out (although if you do end up not going actually I do think one of you should still take DS).

I like another poster's idea to try leaving her with a piece of paper with some tick box options for why she doesn't want to go, or even a blank bit of paper and time to write down why. If she does tell you then review and address the reasons together.

Love how people on here are so adamant they know why when there could be any number of reasons and none of them really know her!

I wouldnt force her, not sure why you are so against one parent going. You said you weren't keen to go, thats why she didn’t get to go at an age she would have enjoyed it. She probably feels resentful. Its not like she asked to go and changed her mind. Best thing is one parent go, see if can find another adult to go with.

That’s what I wondered too. I always think it’s best not to give in to that. A friend’s DD of a similar age was obsessed with a lovely but expensive dress; was bought it as a treat; and then had a friend go on about it being better to wear trousers - and refused to wear the dress. Teens need to be taught independence of thought and how to answer such purposeful criticism/comments that are often made from jealousy or simply to cause trouble.

She needs to go as it’s expensive and there is no choice.

I’m not into HP but took the kids this summer. We all loved it. Im sure when she gets there she’ll have a great time.

Agree with this.

Well done your son. Well done to you for encouraging him.

I'm going to hazard a guess that the autistic, wheelchair using teenager has realised she won't always be able to do what she wants and that the world won't always bend to her wants.